A Funny Thing Happened on The Way to The Bathroom

Hopefully, Laughter is Still The Best Medicine

January 10, 2020

First let me offer my deepest sympathy to all those who lost loved ones in what appears to be the accidental downing of a recent commercial flight from Iran to Ukraine.

I swear I've never conflated these two things in my life, and I can't imagine why this would be happening at this particular moment, but every time - and it's pretty constant - they talk about the downed plane over Iran, the first thing my brain hears is, "Also 63 comedians were among the dead."  I feel terrible.  Fortunately, I can't laugh about it really, because I also feel terrible about having pneumonia.  But, at least I'm not a dead comedian...I mean Canadian. 

Yes, it looks like I’ve got the fuckin’ pneumonia* and the Chrumpy whumpy flu.  We’ve been together now for about a week, but I really don’t think this is going to work out.  These sadistic little micro-organisms – cowards that they are – just keep hopping around from place to place and a few of them decided one of my lungs would be a cozy place to settle in. 

Lab results were very disturbing, to say the least.

By the way, is Chrump out of the White House yet, or should I just let this pneumonia thing have its way with me?

I. Mangrey waiting to be recuperating.

*This is for real.

Bad Blood

Spite Club: Sometimes The Big Fight Is Inside Your Head

January 10, 2020

Apparently, top Pentagon officials provided Chrump with a range of options of things to do when you’re bored, prior to the drone strike assassination of Soleimani.  After the fact, they claimed to be “flabbergasted” and “stunned” that Chrump chose the option he did – the most severe, perhaps catastrophic.  Really?  The guy who has been tweeting threats against just about everyone with brainless abandon since day one, the guy who has zero concept of consequences, who cannot imagine planning more than three seconds ahead, the guy who does not acknowledge the validity of anything outside of his own shoes?  How stupid and/or full of shit are these advisors?

Side note: When you see photos of Chrump pretending to listen at important meetings, why is it that the look on his face is the same look on your cat’s face when you try to explain Chrump to her.

Now, the medieval regime in Iran, wants to make, not just Iran, but the whole world great again.  Like Chrump, who wants to make America great again – that is, back when white men walked upright and ruled the land, free of any substantial interference by people who were differently hued, the theocrats of Iran want to take the entire world back to the good times they prefer – the Middle Ages.  Like Chrump, they must respond with a show of strength, or seem weak. 

I don’t know about you, but I am not that interested setting my clock back 1000 years.  It takes me longer and longer to adjust to daylight savings time these days.

There is so much bad blood out there.  It is hard to tell which is more intense, the bad blood between Chrump and Iran or that between Chrump and Obama.  Barack Obama, of course, has not engaged in any of this since the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner where the thin-skinned, humorless, orange mutant proved he could not take a punchline.  It appears that the beef Chrump has with the Obama-living-in-his-mind is the impetus for most of Chrump’s policy decisions – particularly when it comes to Iran.

Bad Blood

I. Mangrey reporting.

Sorry About That, Chief

January 9, 2020

The world lost one of its funniest people yesterday.  Buck Henry (originally, Henry Zuckerman - wonder why he changed his name) wrote The Graduate, co-created Get Smart and was the first to host SNL 10 times, which he did during the show’s first four years.  Henry did much else before and after all of that, over many decades.  Writing, directing, acting.

Buck Henry Jim Nabors & Tim Conway: The Beta Alpha Delta Trio

Thought For The Day

Off With His Office

January 9, 2020

It would be, first of all, gauche, and probably illegal to say, “Off with his head.”  Plus, we just do not talk that way anymore, although it has likely taken every crumb – and there are only crumbs – of self-control not to mention incessant cajoling from those around him to keep Donald Chrump from publicly uttering such a phrase (You know he wants to).  Also, in this case, removing the head of Donald Chrump would not create much significant difference, other than improving his “haircut.” 

Donnie XLV

 

Clearly, Donald Chrump is not in the habit of using his head for anything more than a platform on which to construct the hair-like edifice we have all come to know and ridicule.  Anyway, while removing the head might arguably create some health issues, it would not otherwise interfere with his other day-to-day activities.  He would still have his little thumbs (clearly his very, very large uh-brain is uninvolved) to tweet.

Chrump is already the only president in American history to be impeached during his first term.  It looks distinctly possible that he might become the only one impeached more than one time.

I truly hope that Pelosi continues to withhold the current articles of impeachment.  There should have been at least several more to begin with and House Dems need to reopen investigations based on the seemingly unending preponderance of new evidence.  Even with Chrump’s massive distraction,* more substantial evidence claws its way into the public sphere almost every day since the first articles were approved by the full House of Representatives. They need to subpoena every sycophantic shithead who was present during Chrump’s perfect phone call, all transcripts, etc.  The American people need to hear from Rudy Giuliani, John Bolton, Mick Mulvaney, Mike Pompeo and Donald Chrump.  Under oath.

*Maybe Chrump could not get John McCain’s big hit single (with a bullet) out of his brittle brain

John McCain “sings” Bomb Iran 

This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.

You're welcome.

What is your thought for the day?

Thought For The Day

BOUNTY – The Quicker Taker Outer

January 8, 2020

It has been rumored that a eulogist seen on Iranian state TV during the funeral procession of vicious terrorist Soleimani called for an $80M bounty on the head of Impeached-president Chrump's head.  It is not clear whether they intend to use crowd sourcing to raise the money, but personally I would not be willing to have my name associated with such a campaign.

As an American citizen I am obliged, almost by law at this point, to say that this is entirely unacceptable.  As a human being currently enjoying the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution (for now at least), I am obliged to say nothing.

According to our sources, this is Chrump’s head.
Not sure why he dunked in cotton candy.*

 *As always, we apologize for posting such graphic and disturbing images; we hope no one will be emotionally scarred or made physically ill for having seen this one.

This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.

You're welcome.

What is your thought for the day?

Who's Threatening Who?

Is This Being Hit On The Head Lessons?

January 7, 2020

Iran has been no friend of the United States ever since a U.S./UK-backed coup displaced their prime minister while consolidation power in the hands of our puppet, the Shah in the 1950s.  I have nothing good to say about their medieval regime. 

Thanks to Donald Chrump’s latest foray into insanity, tensions between Iran and the U.S. are at a fever pitch.  According to team Chrump, that did not happen.  To be clear, there is no one on the team who understands a lick of any of the Iranian dialects, and they are obviously disinclined to ask anyone.  As with everything confronting this administration, if they do not understand it, it does not exist. 

The Iranian parliament held an emergency session, during which it appeared that the entire group pumped their fists in the air and chanted, “Death to America.”  These were not average Iranians in the streets, this was their parliament.  However, while Iranians are shouting, “Death to America,” Donald Chrump is actually working to do it.

Taking out one of Iran’s most popular public figures was not enough.  Then Chrump and his itchy twitter-fingers – with lyrics by Stephen “The Ghost of Nazis Past” Miller –threatened to blow up culturally significant sites (war crime) and however many innocent Iranians happen to get in the way (war crime) if they dare to avenge the death of their beloved murdering pig.  This of course, was after Chrump’s assurance that he was only killing in the name of peace (possible war crime).

Huge numbers of Iranians took to the streets to mourn and call for revenge for the assassination of Soleimani.  Yeah, I get the whole national fervor thing, that Soleimani was beloved for “protecting” his country.  However, I can tell you with at least 100 percent certainty that if Iraq went after Dick Cheney for illegally invading their country for no good reason, I would not be shouting “Death to Iraq.” 

Before being sworn in as America’s first psycho-president, Chrump ran on the benefits of torture, war crimes and bone spurs (and of course, death to the planet).  Since then, he has fucked over the Kurds, our allies and our own troops now left hanging out to dry in Syria, South Korea (none of which he knew existed before being force-fed geography and history after being inaugurated) and pretty much everyone and everything with the exception of Vladimir Putin and Russia. 

Shortly after Chrump’s assassination debacle in Iraq we learned from Mike Pence that Iran was actually responsible for the September 11, 2001 terror attacks – something no one else has ever suggested.  Almost 20 years after the fact, this is Pence’s play; it was not Iraq, who Bush/Cheney dishonestly blamed so they could start a war, not Saudis, who everyone in standard reality knows actually did it, and were then escorted to safety by Bush/Cheney.

Get ready for the smoking gun to come in the form of a mushroom cloud

Second only to climate crisis, Donald Chrump is the single biggest threat to American and global security.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Happy New…Yikes!

Iran, He Runs, We All Run For Our Lives

January 4, 2020

Every day more and more evidence of Impeached-president Chrump’s complicity in illegally withholding funds from Ukraine until that country’s leader did Chrump’s political bidding finds its way into plain sight.  Chrump’s political and psychological futures are at stake as he plods toward re-election.  Normally, with economic factors as positive as the media portrays the current state of affairs, an incumbent president (at least a non-impeached one) would be cruising to victory.  As some of you may have noticed, these are not normal times, and the gigantic soul-vacuum known as Donald Chrump is not cruising so much as lumbering. 

This situation has not escaped even the feeble, febrile mind of Chrump.  Having apparently gotten word that war is the health of the state, or perhaps recalling his own tweets from the Obama Era, Donald the Dim has decided that destruction is the better part of valor.  Chrump has decided that now would be a good time to show off his war cred, naturally without consulting Congress (though Lindsey Graham was briefed days earlier while golfing with Chrump).  Although few doubt that Chrump would have preferred a drone strike on Congress, on January 2^nd he instead set his sights on obliterating the fragile sliver of peace, such as it is, with Iran.

Obviously, no one would suggest that Chrump did this to distract everyone from his ongoing, no-end-in-sight impeachment season.  This is undoubtedly a clear and present danger...I mean coincidence.

According to a statement read by Chrump yesterday, American intelligence – which Chrump has consistently ridiculed in favor of what Putin tells him – is now, suddenly, if not fleetingly, “the best intelligence.”  It is on the strength of this (likely non-existent) intelligence that the killing of Iran’s beloved, albeit brutally murderous, military commander Qasem Soleimani – the second most powerful man in Iran – was carried out.  

Previous administrations determined that the fallout from such an act would outweigh any benefit of taking out such a high-profile target, but that is only because previous administrations were foolish enough to do assessments.  As everyone knows, because he keeps telling us, Donald Chrump already knows more than all the generals, and therefore need not waste time on assessments.  His approach is shoot-first-and…well, that’s about it actually.

While no one should mourn the death of Soleimani, the circumstances of his demise will clearly result in “unintended” consequences across the globe.  Imagine a president who was not a morbidly insecure malignant narcissist, who did not need to prove he had normal size hands, or had no need to distract from an impeachment, or felt capable of winning a fair election, and had enough mental capacity to take out a high-profile target with prudence and cunning instead of reckless reality-show-crowing. 

Iran’s Supreme Leader Rouhani quickly responded that a, “harsh retaliation is waiting for the criminals whose filthy hands spilled his blood.”  In order to ensure that Chrump would get the message Rouhani astutely placed his threat where he knew Chrump would see it.  Since Rouhani was unable to get a booking on Fux and Friends, it had to be Twitter:

Should be loads of fun.  With plenty of collateral damage to go around.

Though this would have seemed impossible given the horrendous start – from attacking Mexicans as criminals and rapists, to his “grab ‘em by the pussy” admission, to his “American Carnage” inauguration – the unmitigated disaster that is Donald Chrump and his asterisk-encrusted presidency continues to worsen exponentially with each passing day.  We have got to get him into another line of work, and time is of the essence.  Quick, someone offer him a new TV show before he kills us all.

Chrump is already the only president in American history to be impeached during his first term.  It looks distinctly possible that he might become the only one impeached more than once.

I. Mangrey calibrating.  Happy New War.

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Election Cycle

It’s The Supreme Court, Stupid

January 3, 2020

After starting off with almost as many contenders as there are voters, the Democratic primary preseason is finally winding down.  One month from today we will have the absurdly anticipated Iowa caucuses, followed closely by the New Hampshire primary.  Barring the emergence of the Republican’t party from the nether world, and the short-circuiting of the disastrous Chrump un-presidency, the 2020 election will have consequences beyond anything any of us have ever seen.

New Hampshire is number four.  Iowa is number six.  In what, you might ask.  Those are their respective rankings on the list of the whitest states in America.  And we ain’t talking snowfall here ladies and gentlemen.  These also happen to be the states that have for some bizarre reason become the first two, and therefore typically the most sought-after primary wins for presidential primary candidates.  If you cannot sway the pasty-faced populace of at least one of these Caucasian commonwealths, you might as well change your name to Adlai Stevenson, Ralph Nader or Dennis Kucinich, or perhaps Mud.

The next two states in the primary sweepstakes are Nevada and South Carolina.  Nevada is a place that by all natural rights should have a population of a dozen or so, and South Carolina is basically responsible for wanting to take their slaves and go home, ushering in the Civil War – not the one Donald Chrump is currently fomenting in the event he should be impeached or ushered out next November – the one fought over slavery several years ago; not to mention being home to Sen. Lindsey Graham, and Rep. Joe “You lie” Wilson.

These are the states that make and break presidential hopefuls in America.  In the year 2020.  Some of you might be wondering why.  Some of you might be wondering what the fuck.  Others of you might be hovering over a toilet disposing of your most recent repast out of the less desirable end of the eating/excreting tube.

Yet, this is the way our selection process for the highest office in the land, and up until January 20, 2017 perhaps the most powerful position in the world, persists in playing out.  That same process too often culminates in a bunch of unknown yahoos known as the Electoral College over-riding the will of the people to install the candidate who lost the popular vote as president.  Once, not so long ago, it was determined that even the Electoral College was not good enough, and the yutz who lost the popular vote (and the Electoral College, had all the votes been counted) was simply appointed by the Supreme Court after they stopped the Florida vote count.

Right now, two of the top three candidates for the Democratic nomination and three others are U.S. senators and will soon be required to sit for jury duty when Donald Chrump faces an impeachment trial in the Senate.  This will interfere drastically with their ability to campaign in the first two, up until now critically important primaries. 

If only for this election cycle (and really, it should be permanent) let us all say to hell with #6 Iowa and #4 New Hampshire.  If the top candidates need to focus on the serious business of convicting the most corrupt, idiotic and dangerous president in American history, they should be applauded for ignoring the much less serious primaries…I’m sorry, caucuses, in two states that are so poorly representative of the American electorate.

Just so we are clear, America was daring enough to elect an admitted sexual assaulter, an avowed racist, multiply-bankrupt casino magnate who pretended to fire idiots on television as president, with inferior intellect, because he promised to shake things up.  But the American electorate is horrified at the thought of electing someone who actually knows what they are talking about and has bold ideas about how to achieve numerous policies that large majorities of the voters themselves favor.  Especially if that person is not a very white man.

Many people insist that the only way to rid this nation of Chrump is to vote him out next November.  In addition to the endless and myriad means of stopping fair elections – gerrymandering, voter suppression, disinformation – Chrump is unabashedly building an international coalition of bots and other operatives to retain the White House.  We simply cannot risk beating him at the ballot box, as so many continue to claim we must do, without beating him up in the eyes of the public via a comprehensive and painful impeachment process.

Over a dozen high level Chrump appointees have already testified – despite his blatant attempts to gag everyone – that Chrump was quid pro quoing all over the place in a very bad way – some would say bigly.  The one totally perfect phone call for which we have many witnesses turned out to be a clear and present danger to our national security, our democracy and our very way of life, according to every single person who has testified under oath. 

Can you imagine what Chrump says to Putin in all those completely private, absolutely perfect phone calls and meetings where no adult is present to bear witness?  How much of Russia has been gerrymandered into Mississippi’s Second District?

While we’re on the subject of elections…

Justin Clark, one of President Donald Trump’s top reelection aides told Wisconsin Republican’ts, “Traditionally it’s always been Republicans suppressing votes in places.  Let’s start protecting our voters…”  Yep, just another shameless fucker.  They hate democracy so much they just cannot help themselves, as previously reported here and here.

And another thing: Let us hope the voters of Maine can finally get Susan Collins to STFU.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Panic responsibly.

New Year, No Resolution...Yet

T’aint Our Problem

January 1, 2020

“For Trump, now impeachment will appear in the opening paragraph of his life.”
                       Presidential historian Douglas Brinkley.

So, Happy New Year to you all.  Here’s hoping all your holidays were as pleasant as can be, given the backdrop that is the current state of affairs.  Hopefully, now that you have a good grasp of the year to come, you can continue to enjoy the rest of Impeachment Season.  In the meantime, there is no time to rest on our laurels.  We had our fun, now we must gird our loins, woman-up and fight to remove the Tumor-in-chief from our body politic.  And hopefully, by this time next year we will be raucously ushering in more than just another new year.

In the few moments when Donald Chrump is not obsessing over toilets flushing and the global threat of killer windmills, he is obsessing over his impeachment.  He has been psycho-tweeting at Nancy Pelosi for two weeks.  There are reports that the impeached-president is so distracted that he can barely cheat at golf every day.

Chrump has told those unfortunate and/or senseless enough to spend time with him that impeachment would leave his presidency “tainted.”  Really?  Mr. Chrump should get a grip.  It is he himself that will leave his – and possibly every subsequent – presidency tainted.  He tainted his campaign the moment he opened his face sphincter to announce that he was running for president, oh and by the way, that he was a flaming white racist.  He almost tainted himself out of winning the election when we heard him gleefully admit to his history of sexually assaulting women.  He escaped the proper scrutiny over that by tainting his nomination even further when he called on Russia to interfere in the election on his behalf.  And he tainted his so-called presidency by being the despicable, narcissistic conman known as Donald Chrump, who simply cannot in any way stop himself from continuing the criminal pursuits that are the hallmark of his life.

Impeachment is merely the moldy cherry (perfectly acceptable under Chrump’s no-regulation administration) atop Chrump’s homemade shit sundae sprinkled with rat poison sprinkles (also perfectly acceptable under Chrump’s no-regulation administration).  The main thing impeachment really added to this toxic treat was finally putting the Constitutional Seal of Disapproval on Chrump’s horrifying, overtly criminal enterprise.

Der Furor is apparently worried about how people will remember him.  He should be worried that people will remember him.  Outside of the horrifyingly large number of racists and mentally challenged supporters who continue to deny reality and persist in supporting the worst (in so many ways) president in American history, most people will be working harder than Brett Kavanaugh trying to polish off a six pack in preparation of assaulting a classmate, to forget this ignoramus ever tainted the White House.

Pelosi seems fed up with self-impeaching putz

Chrump’s impeachment was followed by a masterful play by Nancy Pelosi.  The Speaker elected to hold off on sending the current articles of impeachment to die behind Moscow Mitch’s Iron Curtain of Obstruction.  Since then, Chrump has filled his delirious hours and days incessantly tweeting.  Tweeting and manufacturing even more impeachable offenses, like trying to expose the whistleblower who blew his cover.  But, let’s face it, his cover-up of an inconceivable mélange of impeachable acts is about as effective as the cover-up atop his worm-eaten cranium.  Besides, there could very well be more articles of impeachment yet to come. 

I. Mangrey recovering.