Schmuck Of The Day – Dick Johnson*

Howard Johnson Is Right! Mike Johnson Is Full Of Fucking Shit

November 5, 2023

In some ways this is no big deal, or at least nothing new. Just another Ratpublican who believes America is simply a haven for rich White men to do as they please, who thinks his job as a public servant comprises stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. That and ensuring that everyone believe what he believes, does as he says, and otherwise shuts the fuck up. Another god-addled nincompoop who created God in his image and insists that a very old book series is factually the word of that invisible being who may or may not exist and made America in His image – He apparently being an all-powerful White Christian male. 

We haven’t heard Johnson opine on whether he believes the Earth is round or flat, but he does believe it’s only a few thousand years old and that humans and dinosaurs hung out together.

Fuck The Constitution, I’m A Bible Guy

Today’s Schmuck Of The Day is none other than newly-anointed Speaker of the House Mike “I Am The Bible Incarnate” Johnson.

“By the way, the United States of America is not a democracy…You know what a democracy is? It’s two wolves and a sheep deciding what’s for dinner. You don’t want to be in a democracy. OK? Majority rule – not always a good thing.”
                                    Rep. Mike Johnson (R-God)

Mike Johnson, seen here making crazy shit up

One aspect of Johnson’s horrifying drivel above is kind of right. The United States is not a democracy. Our democracy has practically been gerrymandered and Electoral Colleged to death – and don’t get me started on the corporate stranglehold (including the outright ownership of at least two Supreme Court “justices.” Everything else Johnson says (not just here, but so far everything we know about) is complete and utter bullshit.

In a democracy, people pick their leaders. In the United States, for quite some time now, leaders pick their electorate thanks to gerrymandering. Johnson’s Fascist/Trump Party almost always gets fewer votes in most states, but thanks to their ability to draw electoral maps that make them impervious to voters, they have a much larger representation than the voting populace at large would actually prefer.

Ratpublicans cannot win the popular vote for president. If not for gerrymandering they would rarely if ever hold a majority in the House of Representatives. If not for the racist Electoral College, they would probably never occupy the White House.

So, in Johnson’s America it’s not so much two wolves and a sheep deciding what’s for dinner. It’s more like two wolves who just ate the sheep and then asking, “What’s for dinner?” 

Johnson’s chief-of-staff, Gabby’s nominating speech

It might seem unfair to single out Johnson as the sole Schmuck Of The Day; after all, 220 Fascist/Trump Party assholes chose him to be speaker – they too singled him out as their one-thing-to-rule-them-all, so we’re going to stand by our choice for today’s one-and-only Schmuck Of The Day.

Mike Johnson’s dream of being a dino-boy

No doubt the competition for the next Schmuck Of The Day will again be fierce going forward.

__________________________________________________
*I know, his name’s not Dick, he just is one.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. God help us.

You Can Turn Your Clocks Back All You Want, But It's Time To Move Forward

The Time (To Change The Time) Has Come Today

November 4, 2023

You will likely notice (especially now) that this actually an encore presentation. This is presented not merely for nostalgic reasons, but also as a public service announcement - reminding you to turn your clocks back before you go to bed tonight. The very stupid ritual of changing the time of day twice a year continues despite there being no good reason, and despite the fact that pretty much everyone hates doing this.

Or, you could scroll down for Thursday's fresh, new content.

Every Day Is Still January 6^th

November 7, 2021

Imagine if the number of Americans who have been fighting on behalf of the January 6 insurrection/attempted coup had come out so strongly and powerfully in favor of the 9/11 hijackers and the Taliban (the Islamic one, not the white/Christian one that thinks America is theirs). I'm guessing that these same Turmpified insurrection sympathizers would be the ones who would have started shooting them in the streets.

Angry, ignorant tourorists enjoying a day of violent patriotism.

Speaking of shooting in the streets, some trigger fingers are getting itchy now.
One particularly candid MAGAt barfed up this gem at a town hall, “At this point, we're living under corporate and medical fascism. This is tyranny. When do we get to use the guns? No, and I'm not — that's not a joke. I'm not saying it like that. I mean, literally, where's the line? How many elections are they going to steal before we kill these people?” Morons like this guy are just too confused (and insanely violent) for words. If he had any idea what he was talking about, he would go all Second Amendment on the fascist fuckwit with the vacant look he sees in his mirror.

The Bears – Robobo’s Beef

It apparently bears repeating that the 9/11 hijackers killed around 3000 Americans. The mass murderer Turmp is responsible for hundreds of thousands of dead Americans thanks to his coddling of COVID-19. It is entirely possible that more than 3000 of his followers died from ingesting disinfectant, as advised by their cult leader.

It’s called an Orange Gas Cloud:

4 oz. Clorox

2 oz. Cointreau

1 oz. Old Grandad

2 spritzes tanning spray

and a twist of lemming

To be fair, it does prevent you from getting COVID. Viruses prefer live hosts.

According to Turmp’s COVID response chief Dr. Deborah Birx, Dear Leader’s insane response to the pandemic cost 130,000 American lives. Others put that number considerably higher. Either way, Turmp, like his buddy Bolsonaro in Brazil, should be tried for crimes against humanity.

And thank God we have Ted Cruz standing up on his hind legs to protect the rights of parents flashing Nazi salutes at school board meetings because of mask mandates. Ted’s home state of Texass, having already outlawed legal abortions by siccing radical Christian vigilantes on anyone associated with anyone seeking an abortion, now has set its legally-blind sights on banning 850 books on race and sexuality. Freedom! First Amendment! God bless white America.

Many people are saying that Ratpublicans are anti-democracy. That is not a point I could possibly argue. What I haven’t heard any people saying is that not only are they anti-democracy, they are fighting, red in tooth and claw, against civilized society. With their Second Amendment fetishism, their attempted martyring of the January 6 terrorists, their disgraceful obedience to a disgraced, authoritarian, twice-impeached, failed Florida blogger, they are clearly inciting and cultivating a bowel-esque movement of hatred, racism and an approach to society that is much more early hominid than 21^st Century human. Ratpublicans hate democracy in no small part because democracy is not the least bit fond of them.

I could be wrong.*

I. Mangrey re-assembling.

* Obviously, I meant I couldn’t be wrong.

MAGA My Ass

Oh, Great

November 2, 2023

Just so we’re clear. The Make America Great Again crowd does not want to make America greater than it ever was. They want to make America great in the way they thought it was great in the past, but again – as the plagiarized slogan states.

MAGAts believe that America was at its best before civil rights, voting rights, women’s rights, LGBTQ rights or a social safety net. Before there were restrictions on monopolies, regulations on health, safety, the environment. It is entirely possible that they are simply too stupid to know what they believe, especially since their feckless leaders – the people they keep electing (thanks to toxic gerrymandering) to fuck everything up – don’t believe in anything except hurting poor people, helping rich people and seeing themselves on television or social media. Oh, and ending democracy in order to keep themselves in power in perpetuity and ad nauseam.

Don't MAGA On Me

As if anyone was unsure of what these yahoos want, they just installed one of the most backward-looking, radically-religious, MAGAt-y moron back-benchers as Speaker of the Fucking House. MAGA Mike Johnson is poised to shut down the government, aid and abet Russia by cutting off funding to Ukraine, and if given enough time, demand everyone in America pray to his blond, white Jesus before being permitted to leave their homes every day.

United Auto Workers president Shawn Fain

I promise you that given the option, with all other things being equal, these MAGAts would not bat an eye at the reinstatement of slavery. And this includes the likes of Supreme Court (in)justices Samuel Alito, Clarence “Uncle” Thomas and Chief (In)justice John “Racism-is-Over-in-America” Roberts.

They – and when I say they, I mean those who have conned all the rubes into believing they have their best interests in mind, when in fact they are just taking their money and enriching themselves – would like to see America become nothing more than some sort of corporate colony, where the federal government is all but powerless and everything centers around private ownership, profit and above all else suffocating greed. They want to privatize our roads, our waterways, our healthcare, prisons, and who knows what else. They want to eliminate all services for the poor, Social Security (literally and figuratively), Medicare and voting. Other than that, they are very fine people. And by that I mean they have not yet been caught eating babies (something they have been accusing others of doing), though one assumes they would like to privatize them.

I seem to remember a time even further back than what appears to be their ideal America. A time when giant corporations ruled the land like carnivorous dinosaurs (which these idiots believe co-existed with humans a few years ago). A time when a few rabble rousers talked about Common Sense, said things like, “No taxation without representation,” or “Give me liberty or give me death.” Some of them, their identities cloaked beneath Mohawk costumes, threw hundreds of chests filled with one of their most favored commodities – as I recall, it was tea – into Boston Harbor to protest the stranglehold the East India Company and the fascistic (yes, I just dropped the F-bomb) British Empire.

Old-timey Antifa raising hell in the face of corporate over-reach

Give Them Stupidity, Or Give Them Death…Maybe Both

Meanwhile, today, the guy at the head of this MAGA snake has been selling this county out since the moment he pretended to take the oath of office after losing the popular vote by a landslide. Giving up national security secrets, stealing classified documents, inciting an insurrection, and being the most anti-American president in this nation’s history. He and his legion of treacherous cretins are busy throwing democracy into the sea.

I. Mangrey recalling.                                    

                                                                         

Question For The Day - Mike Drop?

Harangue Mike Pence! Harangue Mike Pence!

November 1, 2023

Hangman’s Hall-of-Famer Mike Pence was briefly in the news again recently. He made what he seemed to imagine was a big announcement. No doubt Pence entered the Fascist/Trump Party primary because it was ordained. Apparently, Jesus changed his mind about what faithful servant (and perpetual lying sack of shit) was meant to do. Pence told those present

“The Bible tells us that there’s a time for every purpose under heaven. Traveling across the country over the past six months, I came here to say it’s become clear to me that it’s not my time.”

Pence told the gathered “crowd” – it’s true, three’s a crowd – that he prayed on it before deciding (well, one assumes having it decided for him by a higher power – the complete absence of donors and supporters) to end his imaginary campaign. Maybe he should have prayed before beginning a campaign that no one – earthly or otherwise – wanted.

Pence doing what he does best – turning tail and leaving

I guess Pence was the only one who didn’t know he was much more likely to be hanged on January 6, 2021 than to be sworn in on January 20, 2025.

Today's question is:

Were you surprised to learn that Mike Pence dropped out of the 2024 presidential race, or were you more surprised to learn that he had ever even been in the race?

The fly that made Pence famous had a better chance of being president

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.

Speaker Shock

The Speaker Needs To STFU

October 29, 2023

We recently discussed how the Fascist/Trump Party was digging down to the bottom of the barrel in their desperate frenzy to find a warm body (brain optional) to wield the speaker’s gavel in the House of Representatives. Little did we know that they were going to end up removing the bottom of the barrel in order to find a writhing MAGAt that would not incur the Wrath of Con. Every single Ratpublican voted for the most radically undemocratic speaker since Newt Gingrich - who ultimately left in disgrace and continues to be one.

 

Mike Johnson looks innocent enough, but

you may know a man by the company he keeps*

No one had even heard of the “man” who is now second in the line of succession to the presidency. Sen. Susan Collins was asked if she knew him and she said no, but she would Google him very soon. Fascist putz Matt Gaetz glowingly heralded – on convicted felon Steve Bannon’s podcast – MAGA Mike Johnson.  Gaetz giddily squealed, “If you don't think that moving from Kevin McCarthy to MAGA Mike Johnson shows the ascendance of this movement and where the power in the Republican Party truly lies, then you're not paying attention.” Well guess what asshole, Paying Attention™ is my middle name, and while MAGA may be ascendent in your festering party, you will soon find that it has most Americans hugging a commode and coughing up blood.

MAGA Mike turns out to be one of the worst sickos sliming up the works in Congress. He has only been in Congress for seven years, making him the least experienced and least vetted speaker in modern history. He will do damage and his reign will be brief.

Get A Load Of This Yahoo

Johnson is a Christo-fascist who believes that Noah’s Ark, and everything else in the Bible is historical fact. He believes this nation should live according the version of the Bible he believes is real. Separation of Church and State has no place in Johnson’s imaginary America. He would like nothing better than to make his America our America.

Johnson has repeatedly espoused one of Fucker Carlson’s favorite conspiracy theories – the racist “replacement theory,” which claims Democrats are trying to replace the rightful Americans (i.e., white people) with “illegal immigrants” who will allegedly vote only for Democrats. Johnson supports a total ban on abortion and voted for same to become federal law.

Johnson has also said that states have legitimate rights to ban “same-sex, deviant intercourse,” and supports a national “don’t say gay” bill. He obviously opposes marriage equality.

As we reported earlier, Johnson believes that mass shootings are a result of the cultural revolution of the 1960s. He blames the rise of mass shootings on "no-fault" divorces becoming legal, legalized abortion, and schools embracing the teaching of evolution. Now why didn’t I think of that? Oh I remember, because it is pure, unadulterated, bat-shit crazy bullshit, that’s why.

The day after the Lewiston, Maine mass gun murder spree, Johnson told Sean Hannity, “At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart, not guns, not the weapons. At the end of the day, we have to protect the right of the citizens to protect themselves, and that’s the Second Amendment.” No, it fucking is not.

It is never good to wish harm on anyone, but today it is necessary to do so when it comes to members of the pro-gun-murder party, all of whom are personally responsible for aiding and abetting the murder of thousands of innocent Americans whose human hearts are no longer beating.

Johnson remains an unabashed insurrectionist, who voted to stop the certification of Joe Biden’s landslide ousting of Donald Trump. The New York Times called Johnson “the most important architect of the Electoral College objections” in defense of Trump’s Big Fucking Lie. . After becoming speaker, Johnson was asked if he still thought the 2020 election was stolen, he brushed off the question saying his position on that was well-known and he would not be talking about issues at that time. A MAGAt to the core. 

Now, two heartbeats away from the presidency, we have and anti-democratic douchebag who is an excellent bet to interfere with the 2024 election if he doesn’t like the way Americans vote.

At Least Russia Is Happy

It is nothing new for the Fascist/Trump Party to side with Russia over the United States despite their constant caterwauling about “America First,” which of course has always been a fascistic battle cry. So, it will come as no surprise that a Russian state TV host celebrated MAGA Mike becoming the Speaker of the House.

The Russian host chirped, “Where Ukraine is concerned, it's sufficient to look at Johnson's ratings with his respect to his support of Ukraine. His rating is very poor. This means that all of this suits us well.”

Look a little closer – Johnson sans makeup and obfuscation

Now that Johnson is no longer obscured in the shadows, now that everyone – like it or not – can see him, now that we are learning, after the fact, what he is all about, Johnson is claiming amnesia regarding much of what he is on record as having said time after time, over many years.

I for one, will take him at the words he has been repeating for decades. I will not take him at his new word.

Speaking Of Assholes Named Mike…

The one called Pence has dropped out of the Fascist/Trump Party primary that he was pretending to be in. Go to Hell, go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect another penny from dumbass contributors.

___________________________________________________ 
*And by many years of video evidence of horrifying, backwards, hate-filled, anti-democratic drivel.

I. Mangrey revealing.

Question (And Answer) For The Day

Hey Kids, What Time Is It?

October 27, 2023

Today's answer is:

It’s too soon to talk about gun control right after another fucking mass shooting. That’s what fucking time it is.

That is, except for assholes like disgraced ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and countless other Ratpublican, pro-murder shitheads who wasted no time after another mass shooting calling for more guns. It's never a bad time for that bullshit.

That’s what fucking time it is.

Even gun control advocate Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE) went on the news and said the Second Amendment is foundational to individual rights in America before reiterating his support for changes. But no senator, the Second Amendment has nothing to do with individual rights. In case you forgot, the Second Amendment is about a well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state. It says nothing about individuals wielding weapons of mass destruction or owning guns outside of a well-regulated fucking militia.

But wait. Someone else has an answer. Newly installed Speaker of the House Mike Johnson knows exactly what causes all the mass shootings in America. According to Johnson, mass shootings are a result of the cultural revolution of the 1960s. He blames the rise of mass shootings on "no-fault" divorces becoming legal, legalized abortion, and schools embracing the teaching of evolution. Yes, teaching evolution. Not guns. Clearly, the new speaker not only doesn't believe in evolution, he may be proof it never happened.

There have been 566 mass shootings in the United States of Gun Death in 2023. Damned hippies.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question (And Answer) For The Day.

Broken News

The Great 2024 American Jerk Off

October 27, 2023

Both affront-runner Donald Trump and fast-fading-fuck-up Ron DuhSantis found it necessary recently to show off their self-pleasuring “prowess,” presumably to lock up the incel vote.

This is how I masturbate, mostly to pictures of myself. What’s so funny?

I know how to make myself feel good, and I can do the same for America.

While Trump may appear to outsize randy Ron, remember, Donald’s tiny little hands make everything around him look larger, except of course, his uh-brain.

Also, it appears that Ron has given up on the 2024 race and has shifted his focus to winning in 2016. You go gurl.

Meanwhile, Not To Be Outfarted…

Trump exhorts attendees at one of his Bund rallies:
Pull my finger!

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled pleasuring.

Broken News

Speaking For Those Who Should Not Speak

October 24, 2023

Rep. Jim Jordan, the flesh-eating-bacterium of Congress, finally conceded defeat after losing vote after vote after vote, each defeat more humiliating than the last. Given the recent demise of Jordan and likely any hope of the Fascist Party finding a suitable, or even worthless (as is their wont) replacement for the hapless Kevin McQarthy, it is clear that some new blood is called for as the next Speaker of the House.

Speaking of blood, the heated fracas almost came to fisticuffs as Ratpublicans met privately to put the final nail in Jim Jordan’s speakership coffin. They are now at their half-wit’s end as they scrape the bottom of the barrel of monkeys in search of their next soon-to-be-ex-speaker. The barrel is filled nearly to the brim with idiots and assholes who went on the record on January 6, 2021 objecting to the certification of the completely legitimate results of the landslide bashing of Donald “World’s Most Offensive Defendant” Trump by Joe Biden.

While Democrat Hakim Jeffries would likely be an exemplary speaker, there is no chance that the MAGAts will tolerate any kind of compromise, bipartisanship or aptitude of any kind.

As If We Needed More Proof…

The reliably dimwitted fascist EmptyG admitted that her caucus is broken. Unsurprisingly, her reasoning was as disgraceful as it was pathetic. The reason Marge gave for the sorry state of her party was “because Republicans (her word, not mine) worked with Democrats.” And there you have it in a nutjob…I mean nutshell. The problem with the Chaos Caucus is that some of them done went and acted like adults interested in doing democracy stuff.

Not one of the past dozen or so Ratpublican speakers, nor all of them combined, could deign to shine Nancy Pelosi’s pumps. They know it, but they have no idea what to do about it. It is entirely possible that they don’t even care. As it now stands, a dozen or so back-benchers are throwing their hats (soon to be towels) into the ring in a desperate move to stop looking like complete incompetents. It’s not going to work.

So, while Team Trump scurries back to the drooling board to come up with a warm body, it's time to think outside the idiot box. To this end, it is time for a completely neutral, consistently unopinionated citizen to enter the fray. Someone who knows a legitimate fucking election when they see one. Someone who is neither racist, fascist or mentally crippled. Someone who can unify Congress and the nation-at-large. As you probably know, there is no requirement that a Speaker of the House be a member of the House, or even in government.

Vote for me and I’ll set you free!

And so, it is with a heavy hand that I announce my candidacy for Speaker of the House. Please be sure to threaten your member of Congress, their families and random people on the street where you live in order to drag me across the finish line so we can keep our government harming…I mean, humming.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sturm und drang.

BONUS TRACK (one of our favorite bands you never heard of)

The Bears – Save Me

Broken News - UPDATE: Jim Jor-Done

No Jackass Requred

October 20, 2023

After three crushing defeats, each worse that the last, tiny-brained election denier and all-around douchebag Jim Jordan continued his doomed quest to lead his party over the cliff. With all the certainty of a paranoid schizophrenic, Jordan had one more hand to play. He dragged his bloody caucus into a secret meeting to gauge what he assumed was his irresistible (excluding of course, the three recent assurances to the contrary) appeal once his besties could truly express their love for him away from the prying eyes of the media, Democrats, the public and presumably Jordan’s lord and savior – Donald Jurassic Trump.

A funny thing happened behind those closed doors. It was 50 shades of fuck you. Instead of losing 25 members who were willing to incur Trump’s wrath by voting against his hand-picked candidate, 112 members of the Fascist Party said no thanks, while only 86 continued their massive delusion that Jordan was the right man for the job.

So, it’s time to stick a fork in rapist-enabler Jim Jordan. And not just figuratively. I think every one of us should find out where this treacherous cretin is drowning his sorrows and stick a fucking fork in him. I think it will help take his mind off of his ignominious smackdown. Or at the very least, remind him of it.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News update.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled schadenfreude, already in progress.