Taking Out the Chrash

On the Phony

May 9, 2016

Concerned citizens take their news tips to great reporters when they want secret information made available to the public. This does not happen here at Paying Attention. We have to get our scoops the old fashioned way – we read it somewhere else and change the wording to avoid plagiarism. Or we just make it up. With all this in mind here is the first and therefore final draft of Donald Chrump’s acceptance speech for the 2016 RNC in Cleveland. He doesn’t want this made public since he will be claiming it is off the cuff. As is his wont, Chrump will be phoning it in…

Can you fucking believe this? Is this great or what? How amazing am I? At least we know there aren’t thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets of New York today. Sorry I couldn’t be here in person, but I’m a very busy man. Very busy. And let’s face it – Cleveland? Really? Cleveland? Obviously you picked this place before you knew I was going to be the nominee. Anyway, no hard feelings. You couldn’t have known. I will not say that you are a bunch of low-energy losers. Anyway, you folks know what has to be done. Give me the votes and the nomination and I’ll do the rest. And it’ll be great.

First let me say what an honor it is for you to have me, Donald Chrump as your 2016 candidate. You must feel very lucky to have avoided the violence I would have inadvertently incited if I was not the nominee. But really it’s not that important to me, I’m just in this for my ego. I have a yuuuuuuuge ego. The biggest. But only because I am the best. But I already knew that. I’m not telling you anything I didn’t already know. But enough about you. I am not here to talk about you. I’m here to talk about me – Donald J. Chrump. I think my hair came out really good today. You know it’s not easy getting it right. There’s the shampooing, the rinsing, the repeating, the coloring, the sculpting, the spraying, more spraying and of course the bug repellant. I have a very hard life. Believe me. Very hard. That will not stop me from having the best hair of any president you’ve ever seen.

Big hair, small hands, tiny...whatever

I am very excited to announce my running mate tonight. While I was being treated so very unfairly during the primary campaign. And I was treated very unfairly as you know. I had a lot of time to think about who I would have with me on the ticket. I spoke to many very smart people, the smartest people, especially myself, so I could find the best person to be my running mate. You may remember that George W. Bush brought in Dick Cheney to be the guy to find his running mate and Cheney looked in the mirror and found the perfect guy. As it turns out I didn’t need Cheney’s help. I have my own mirror, actually thousands of them, and I admit I did follow Cheney’s lead when searching all over my many mirrors, of which I have thousands. I’m very rich. In keeping with my groundbreaking campaign I will not be tied to the old rules in my choice of my vice president either. After much brain-searching it was very clear to me that there is no one more qualified to be my running mate than Donald Chrump. I don’t need anyone else. I am all I need. And I will have the best people in the best cabinet ever. But if anyone decides to disagree with me? They’re fired! There are plenty of best-people-ever out there to take their place.

Nobody loves this country more than me. And nobody loves me more than this country. I am going to win this election so easily. I don’t think Hillary will even get any votes except from a few desperate women hoping to play the woman card. I will win so winningly you will be in shock. I know many of you didn’t realize how much you liked me until right now and I might not hold that against some of you who I think are good people. The rest of you might as well be Mexicans or Chinese the way you have been raping me all these months. I don’t need you losers, I can win without votes. I will beat Hillary so bad. So bad. Beat, beat, beat. I have never looked forward to beating a woman as much as I do right now. She won’t even know what hit her, but it will be me. Me.

I will not rule out using nuclear weapons to defeat Hillary Clinton. First of all, she is a woman so she cannot possibly be president. This country has never had a woman president and we’re not going to start on my watch. Of course no one has more respect for women than I do. No one. Believe me. Just ask the women. They all love me. Maybe the only ones who love me more than the women are the blacks. Let’s face it people, I’m handsome, I’m very rich and I win. Also I’m very smart. I have a very good brain and I have the best words. You can’t even believe how smart I am. You can’t believe it. I can’t even believe it myself. That’s how smart I am. Believe me.

 

Now that I am the nominee I will get the same national security briefing as the president gets so I will know so many secrets that there will be no turning back. My super high-level security briefings will let me know about everything that is going on all over the world. As opposed to my current state of free-form fabrication. Fortunately the world loves me. Once I know exactly how much crazy shit is going on out there, I can tell you there will be some changes around here. There will be a waterboarding park in the rose garden. Who the hell needs roses anyway? They’re for pussies. The Chrump White House will have one of the finest casinos in the world. I will be the most popular president in history.

 

In closing let me just say that I am ready to win and win big. Very big. Very. I will be the winningest winner in the history of winning. I am going to win so fast that you will know I won within ten minutes of the polls opening on that Wednesday in November. I will beat Hillary and then I will beat ISIS and then I will beat my wife…I mean tweet my fife. That’s how patriotic I am. Nobody respects women more than me. I have the balls to build the walls to make America great again. I am a smart businessman and I will fix the economy. Then I will show you Obama’s real birth certificate. Count on it. But I will never talk about my plans or policies, I will not show you my tax returns, but I will gladly show you my amazing pecker right here, right now. (It is presumed that here Mr. Chrump is planning to either display not his family wealth, but his family jewels for the convention to see, or since he may only be phoning in the audio he will be the only one getting a good look at them, which one assumes is how he spends most of his alone time...when he is not busy doing his hair.)

Oh, and once I am inaugurated there will be a nominal cover charge to remain in the country. This includes a free bottle of genuine Chrump/Flint water. And one free pull at a slot machine in any one of my fabulous casinos that hasn’t yet gone bankrupt.

Hot Air & Not Hair

For now I turn you over to my new press secretary Sean Hannity.

I. Mangrey scooping the poop. We live in Strangelove times.

The only video ad needed to run against Donald Chrump:

Oh My

Well played Ms. Clinton

 

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Presidential Is as Presidential Does

Chrump Change

No idea where I am at this point
May 3, 2016

Donald Chrump is making the pivot from pathetic punchline to presumptive candidate punchline by acting “so presidential”. As he told the very serious Sean Hannity two months ago, “At the right time, I will be so presidential that you’ll call me and you’ll say, ‘Donald, you have to stop that.’” I had hoped to get off this topic by now. Evidently it is not yet possible. Bullets can’t stop it, rockets can’t stop it…we may have to use nuclear force. He has made it insanely clear that he would. Chrump seems blissfully unaware of the qualitative difference between nukes and conventional weapons and is more than ready to use all of them should the wind dare to muss up the crazy-glued mass atop his head. He also thinks black lives couldn’t matter less, immigrants are nothing but numbers on a spread sheet and women are losers.

The Donald has insulted every single group with the exception of the KKK and other white supremacists. He re-tweets their trash. They fund and make robo-calls for his campaign. They endorse him time and again. The most recent endorsement comes from Virginia’s Imperial Wizard of the Rebel Brigade Knights of the Ku Klux Klan who for some reason prefers not to share his Christian name preferring the simple appellation Grand Wizard. After telling his black interviewer that the Klan does not hate anyone the Grand Wiz added, "The reason a lot of Klan members like Donald Trump is because a lot of what he believes in, we believe in. We want our country to be safe.” And white.

These Are The Champions My Friend

In fairness, not all of Chrump’s supporters are racists. He is fond of winners and tough guys. For example he has the endorsement of college basketball legend and renowned hothead Bobby Knight who in 1988 described the stress of his (ridiculously high-paying) coaching job thusly, “I think that if rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it. I mean that’s just an old term that you’re gonna use…I’m not talking about the act of rape, don’t misinterpret me there.” Maybe it would be harder to misinterpret if you didn’t use the word rape.

Chrump was also endorsed by tough guy, champion and serial rapist Mike Tyson. Chrump defended Tyson during the 1992 trial, insisting Mike was innocent. Chrump said the woman in question hadn’t been raped because nobody respects women more than Chrump. Two pigs in a pod. Confronted with this less-than-stellar endorsement Chrump admitted that Tyson may have made some mistakes, but responded to criticism of the endorsement leveled by Cruz’s new imaginary running mate Carly Fiorina with, “What does she want me to do, tell him I don’t want his endorsement? Should I do that? You think I should do that? I don’t think so.” Racist, rapist, who cares. Asked and answered. At least he consulted himself first.

The Punishment Brothers: Cruel & Unusual

So Presidential It Hurts

The almost-completely-worthless mass media wet their collective pants because Chrump called the man he has dubbed “Lyin’ Ted Cruz” Senator Cruz one time. Oh my, they cooed, see how presidential he is now becoming. He told us he could do it and by gum he really can. That fleeting non-classless moment was just that - a moment. He cannot fake civility for very long. Chrump thinks being presidential is nothing more than speaking in hushed, boring tones and looking solemn. George W. Bush meets Sarah Palin meets cream sickle with “hair”.

Chrump’s latest display of just how qualified he is to be a reality show celebrity and most-definitely-not-president came the other night as a guest fair and balanced Bill O’Reilly’s. Bill-O asked the presumptive Republican’t nominee what his plan for Afghanistan would be. Chrump, who had just one day earlier given what he peddled as the best foreign policy speech ever, spewed his usual bunch of drivel, sprinkled with repeated empty phrases. The most revealing moment had His Royal Jackass saying of Afghanistan, “That’s one place, frankly, instead of going to Iraq, we should have probably gone there first.” Did he forget about 7/11…I mean 9/11 already? Was he so busy watching thousands of mythical Muslims dancing in the American streets that he missed Bush’s first response? He must have been too busy to notice since he told us he has “the best memory”. Add this to his love of torture and his yammering on about how Japan, South Korea and Saudi Arabia should all have nuclear weapons. He’s like the Oprah of destruction. You get some nukes, and you get some nukes…everybody gets some nukes once I am in charge. But don’t worry, "Right now, we have hundreds of deals being negotiated all over the world by my company, and I deal with presidents, and I deal with prime ministers. I deal with everybody. I probably have more experience than virtually anybody looking at this office. And I make money. I've made a lot of money doing it." You know what they say, tiny hands, tiny…brain.  

Presidential Oratory



Tune in next time when Chrump whines, “I wish I could have Sarah Palin as my running mate. She’s got a great body for a vice president. The best. If I wasn’t married and didn’t have such a hard-on for my daughter – not an actual one…well maybe – I’d probably be dating her. Problem is she’s a loser, she lost running with loser John McCain. A guy who first gets captured by the losers in North Vietnam and then he loses to Barack Hussein Obama. A yuuuuuge bunch of losers. You don’t see me losing. I’m a winner. A winner. Believe me. All I do is win, win, win. Once I am president I will win so much you will hate my guts for winning so much instead of hating my guts for being such an asshole.”

I. Mangrey reporting. Get him the hell out of here.    

                                                                                                 Mad in USA

International Workers' Day and MORE - May Day Flashback

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Ten Years On 

Dallas, TX

May 1, 2013 

Today, on the ten-year anniversary of one of the most dreadful, deceitful and pathetic misdeeds in American presidential history, the George WMD Bush Hall of Lies opens to the general public, general ennui and universal nausea. Apparently 43 unlucky schoolchildren were drafted to be the first visitors, and being such were also the unfortunate recipients of a personal greeting from the ex-Codpiece in Chief. Fortunately the children are too young to realize the dubiousness of their honor.

 

Last week Bush took time away from his new-found infatuation with his bathroom (see below) to attend the dedication of the George W. Bush Library and Museum. Bush is only the thirteenth president to fabricate such a self aggrandizing tribute. I suppose he couldn't resist fabricating one more thing just to rub it in. The twelfth presidential library ever built was in 2007 - in memory, or something, of Richard M. Nixon. At least that dick wasn't around to see it happen.

Only a pesudo-president of George WMD's caliber would think that continuing to tie his legacy to such an blatant example of earth-shattering idiocy was a heck of a job. It is a stunning display of arrogance with which Little George attempts to continue the lie that there was any redeeming value of his illegal and historically deviant invasion, and make-believe declaration of victory in the second month of what would become a ten year disaster. Of course ten years only accounts for our official military entanglement. The scars on the world’s socio-political body will endure much longer while history decides just how great a disaster was the Forty-third presidency of the United States of Whatever.

"History will ultimately judge the decisions that were made for Iraq and I'm just not

going to be around to see the final verdict. In other words, I'll be dead."

George WMD Bush, April 24, 2013 

The Bush apologencia continues to boggle the mind with their claims that President Bobble-head kept us safe from terrorist attack throughout his time in office. Yes, they actually say this. Over and over and over. I guess it’s their sociopathic attempt to do what George WMD called “catapulting the propaganda.” The fact that he wasn't elected in 2000 clearly didn't keep him from taking the office of president beginning in 2001- the same year he diddled while New York burned. I'm still disappointed from seeing him dodge those two shoes at his surprise Iraqi press conference.

"This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog"

Muntadhar al-Zaidi, Iraqui broadcast journalist, December 14, 2008

while hurling a shoe with tremendous accuracy at a surprisingly agile moron

Bush's "library" has an interactive display "Decision Points Theater" where anyone foolish enough to enter the building can access Bush's advisors and then make their own decisions on the critical issues that Bush so royally screwed up. For instance, one might peruse the advice-based-on-lies Bush received after allowing the worst-terrorist-attack-ever-on-home-soil, think about this shoddy advice for even more than the five seconds Bush did, and then decide on a course of action. For example, one might choose an option other than invading an unrelated country without provocation, or maybe decide not to torture prisoners or wiretap American citizens without just cause, or perhaps opt not to bankrupt our national treasury by handing three trillion dollars to the wealthiest one percent of Americans; maybe you wouldn’t remove just about every regulation on corporations, banks and Wall Street setting the stage for the worst recession since the Great Depression. Stuff like that. Apparently though, if you happen to make a decision at odds with "President" George WMD Bush, such as not invading Iraq, you will be treated to the countenance of #43 (as he likes to call himself) explaining you are wrong because, "Saddam posed too big a risk to ignore…the world was made safer by his removal." President Moron recorded special messages still insisting that everything he did was just right just for his little game. Good luck trying to be as resolute in your choices as this idiot was. Though hearing him disagree with you should be a serious boost to your self esteem.

George W. Bush In The Nude News 

In other news of "president" George W. Bush, the two-term-once-elected Clod from Crawford, has put his dubious credentials to use not helping end world hunger, not helping secure loose nookular weapons, not continuing the one positive aspect of his ill-gotten presidency - helping stop the AIDS epidemic, but making paintings of dogs, and of himself. Bush explained, “I paint two or three hours a day. Painting has changed my life in an unbelievably positive way.” Doesn’t that just warm the cockles of your heart? If only he’d been painting instead of clearing brush, gutting FEMA, ignoring Katrina and morally and financially bankrupting our country and stuff.

Ex-"president" Bush paints the only subject of real interest to him

Tune in next time as Incurious George paints himself…into another corner.

Happy International Workers' Day!

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsive reading invited.

Actual new April 2016 stuff below

I've a Feeling He’s Not In Texas Anymore

Ted’s Crude

Northeast Corridor
April 27, 2016

We here at Paying Attention had been “hopeful” of late that religious fanatic, bull-goose homophobe and human zit Ted Cruz was poised to knock Donald Chrump down a peg or two in the fight for the Republican’t presidential nomination. I know, what were we thinking? Cruz never even had his own reality show. In fact nothing about him hints of reality. It now seems that Chrump is on his way to the general election because the more people get a whiff of Cruz, the more they like him less.

Ted Cruz, who Al Franken recently described as “the love child of Joe McCarthy and Dracula”, pushes on in his thus far successful quest to get as many people as possible to despise him. Whereas Bernie Sanders started out as an unknown and seems to attract more and more supporters the more he gets his message out, the mostly unheard of Cruz just sickens more and more people the more he pokes himself into the public eye. Sure Bernie seems perpetually cranky, but he is old and Jewish, so it works for him. Cruz just sounds like he is simultaneously whining and scolding and doing a bad Yoko Ono impression. He comes across as condescending and punchable – evermore so as he continues to defile the universe with his McCarthyesque demeanor.

It could not be clearer that New York values do not include whatever Cruz is oozing. On the heels of his schlonging in the New York primary, accomplished lawyer and constantly self-proclaimed super patriot Ted Cruz decided to wax philosophic in his own very special way. In an effort to spin defeat into I-don’t-know-what said, "But America has always been best when she Is lying down with her back on the mat, and the crowd has given the final count." I guess this makes sense coming from the man who completely misses the point of Green Eggs and Ham and made a point of displaying his shocking ignorance on the floor of the Senate during his epic anti-Obamacare filibuster. I don’t think I want to know what the hell he meant by that. What planet is this guy from? More important, when is he going back?

It’s My Party and I’ll Lie if I Want To

The reality-challenged Cruz claims he is a Constitutionalist, but somehow he does not believe in the Supreme Court. He believes in states’ rights über alles. Responding to a question about same-sex marriage, the Canadian-born Cuban said, “I don’t think it should be five unelected lawyers down in Washington dictating that.” No, he believes the states should be able to dictate who can marry whom. And who goes into which bathroom. Because The Constitution. Also because God talks to him...well, actually God only talks to his family members because even God can only take so much.

Cruz is only half way into his first term as a Texas senator. Before he became a senator Cruz went to elitist Ivy League schools in order to become a lawyer. He is very proud of his 2 and 4 record (out of nine appearances) arguing in front of the Supreme Court. One of Cruz’s two victories allowed Texas to execute a convicted murderer despite an order from an international court and the urging of President George W. Bush to hold off so he could receive a new hearing.

As reported here previously, in 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution." But the US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought this argument was stupid. Their opinion of Cruz himself has evaded documentation, but I will go out on a limb and assume they thought Cruz himself was reminiscent of having your teeth slowly drilled while having your own nails dragged across a chalkboard. I have read the Constitution and I don’t remember anything in there about dildos – either Cruz himself or the ones he tried to outlaw in Texas. Some say that Cruz just wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.

Has Ted been a naughty boy?

Getting Cruz-ified

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” , adding “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.” Cruz continues to get spanked in the primaries. New York netted him exactly zero delegates and the latest super Tuesday saw God’s candidate swept away by a Chrump tsunami across the northeastern US. Cruz is now getting flattened by John Kasich. As you may recall Mr. Cruz prayed and prayed until he finally badgered God into telling him to run for president. According Cruz’s freaky fundamentalist father God ordained that his son should run for president. Clearly the Lord works in mysterious ways. Was it God’s will that Ted come in a distant third to Kasich? Kasich is currently in fourth place in the delegate count behind Marco Rubio – remember Marco Rubio? I don’t. If this is what being God’s anointed one looks like, I’ll take my chances going it alone.

Epilogue

In his last ditch effort to a) pitifully attempt to drag the spotlight away from the ever-billowing Chrump and b) vainly appear as a still-viable candidate, Cruz has just announced his (chucle, chuckle, laugh, debilitating guffaw) running mate (still catching my breath)…wait for it…none other than delusionally woman-hating, disastrously failed candidate, business woman and third to only Chrump and Cruz in dislikability – Carly Fiorina. You just can’t make this stuff up folks.

I. Mangrey reporting. Because it’s there.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Earth: A Great Place To Raise Your Kids

Is The Climate Changing or Is It Just Me

Happy Earth Day

April 22, 2016

Hey, remember the Earth? Many of us live there, or used to. Unfortunately too many of us are Republican’t Americans. There is no other politically empowered group of people on the Earth so vigorously denying climate science as these lunkheads. Dictators, terrorists and even most morons in other countries think we should take action to combat global climate change. And of course the reportedly inconsequential, totally biased 97% of climate scientists. But not Republican’ts. Insane or stupid – you make the call. ‘Both’ is also an acceptable answer.

One more thing Republican’ts think is just a theory

As if to remind us of just how much humans respect the only habitable planet we know of, the trans-Alaska Pipeline had to be shut down for several hours Wednesday night after a fire erupted at a pump station near the Arctic Circle, according to pipeline and state officials. You might not have heard about this latest event is because leaks, fires and explosions happen all the time – almost as often as someone is shot by a toddler (which is around once a week in America) – and because very powerful people have a vested interest in keeping such things quiet.

For some reason people were complaining about the Alaska pipeline right from the get-go. But not everyone thought it was a bad idea. Let’s assume George H.W. Bush was right back in 1991 when he said of the Alaska pipeline, "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." Actually let’s not, and not even say we did.



In any event, tell the Earth you care today. Look at her longingly from outer space. Plant a tree, ride a bike, put a windmill in your yard, some solar panels on your roof and if you have an extra 80 or 90 grand gathering dust, buy a Tesla.

I. Mangrey recycling.

Bills, Bills, Bills

BREAKING NEWS

White Man Gets Moved to the Back of the Bill

The Underground Female Road
April 21, 2017

In a stunning turn of events. Dead white slavery-loving, genocide aficionado and America’s seventh president Andrew Jackson is to be bumped to the back of the $20 bill by none other than abolitionist, humanitarian, Union spy and suffragist Harriet Tubman.

Bye bye white guy.

Tubman was originally slated to replace Alexander Hamilton on the ten, but protests were registered and Hamilton is currently enjoying immense popularity. Hamilton gets to keep his spot on the front and the back of the $10 will now feature an as yet to be announced group of women suffragists. That's all well and good, but can we really afford to lose the image of a white man on our currency? Sure Jackson will remain on the twenty, but is it fair for a white man to be displaced by a black woman? What is this country coming to? Next thing you know real live black women will start wanting to be treated as equals to real live white men.

Inimitable neuro-surgeon Ben Carson felt that removing a hero who balanced the budget and not just oversaw but saw to the Trail of Tears should not be replaced by the likes of Tubman. Carson suggests instead that we put Harriet Tubman on the $3 $2 bill. The $20 is the most plentiful bill in circulation. When was the last time you saw a $2 bill? Or an intelligent quote from Dr. Ben Carson?

I. Mangrey reporting.

This Week On CELEBRITY CANDIDATE

Of Mice and Rats

The Great White Wasteland
April 15, 2016

Our Long Republican’t Nightmare Is Finally Over

It went on much longer than anyone could have predicted, certainly longer than is compatible with intelligent life on Earth. A nightmarish caricature oozed down an escalator frightening children and adults alike. Donald Chrump came in like a liar and goes out like a scam. The Insult Candidate Dog will not be the Republican’t candidate. That should not stop him though. He should run as an independent – it won’t cost him anything. It’s not like he is using any of his own money to run. Sure he says he is self-funding. SURPRISE! That is a lie. You can tell it is a lie because Chrump said it in public. Talk about doing it on the cheap, his campaign headquarters is literally an old set from The Apprentice in Chrump Towers. Who cares if running a third party campaign is against the rules at this late stage? I am guessing that Chrump who said, “I don’t care about rules, folks…” might not. But how else will he be able to keep his latest reality show on the air for a few more months. Look for Chrumpy to incite a write-in campaign, which will do well. Just well enough to insure the Democratic candidate a crushing victory.

According to a recent AP poll Chrump has “unprecedented unpopularity…Americans of nearly every race, gender, political persuasion and location.” Over 60% of American voters say there is no way they would vote for him, including almost half of Republican’ts. Chrump is intensely unloved by men, women, the young, the less young, conservatives, moderates, liberals, white folks, black folks and Hispanics. Other than that he pretty much has the nomination wrapped up. Who can stand all this winning?

Palin kills boar, courts boor.

New York Post columnist and conservative…we’ll say stalwart Rich Lowry accused Chrump of being “the most fabulous whiner in the world”. Chrump responded, “Well I think he's probably right, I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win. And I’m not happy if I’m not winning. And I am a whiner, and I'm a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.” This is a real quote. I heard it with my own ears.

On a related note, a protestor at a recent Chrump rally yelled out, “You’re an asshole.” Chrump without hesitation responded, “You got that right you jerk. I am an absolutely incredible asshole. I’m the most incredible asshole in this country, probably the world. Nobody is a bigger asshole than me. Nobody. Isn’t that right people. Tell this loser what an unbelievable asshole I am. Get the hell out of here. And take your tiny little asshole with you. Get him the hell out of here. Get him the hell out of here. And kick him in the balls.” This a differently real quote. I wrote it with my own hands. So it is true in the Chrumpiest sense.

The Sun is finally setting on America’s ridiculously bad hair day. You can get out of bed now.

Between a Schmuck and a Head Case

The cavalcade of crazies came clumsily careening onto the campaign trail and then one by one disappeared from view and faded from memory as the Quibbler from Queens chewed them up and spit them out as one would a Chrump Steak or some Chrump Wine or anything else sporting the Chrump brand that happened to end up in one’s mouth. We had spent far too much time on them anyway.

The contest has come down to Chrumpenstein, Count Cruzula and that other guy, a foolishly-more-reasonable-seeming (not so much really) never-was-gonna-be nebbish. But he sure knows his Old Testament: 

The two top dogs are a kind of a toss-up. As Linsey Graham said in January regarding the choice between Chrump and Cruz, “It’s like being shot or poisoned. What does it really matter?”

The Republican’t establishment continues to work feverishly to avoid either eventuality. They are so desperate that they are itching to bring Ayn Rand fan-boy, gym-rat, and self-imagined numbers-whiz Paul Ryan back to reprise his consummate losing performance as W. Mitt Romney’s running mate. At least I think that is why they are itching. Ryan spent weeks insisting there was no way he would want the job of House Speaker. He is currently Speaker of The House. Now he insists there is no way he would accept his party’s nomination for president. Do the math. My heart still belongs to J.E.B.

Our Long Republican’t Nightmare Is Only Just Beginning

There is no free lunch. It is said that when one door closes another opens up. The same could be said for our current situation with the demise of Don Chrump. With one exception. Neither of the doors in question opens up to anything palatable. The closing door should never have been opened. The opening door exposes a horror beyond comprehension. Members of his own team despise him as much as anyone. I think you know all too well of whom I speak. It is Cruz time. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And nauseous. Mostly nauseous.

In 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution." But US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought this argument was stupid. Cruz wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.

His old college roommate weighs in again:



Peter King (R-NY), no liberal he, vigorously endorsed Cruz last week. King explained what he would do in the face of a Cruz nomination saying, “I tell you, I don’t know — I’ll get some cyanide. I don’t know what I’ll do. I mean, I’ll just — you know, not gonna tell you.”

Linsey Graham’s take on Ted? "If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you."

The Germans have a word for it.

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                Mad in USA

I Need To Take A Chrump

What Was I Thinking?

Mistakes Were Made
April 4, 2016

I just can’t keep up with this guy. While I was writing my last piece Chrump went further than ever in spelling out exactly what he is about. First he declared that once abortions are outlawed any woman getting one should be punished. Then he said that the doctor, not the woman should be punished, possibly nuked. Then he insisted that for men, women and children alike, he would not take nuclear weapons off the table for dealing with trouble. You know, like when Megan Kelly mistreats him on the teevee. Maybe his mouth should talk to him before it opens itself to speak.

Tune in tomorrow when Chrump’s mouth says, “I have the best mouth. I do. The best mouth ever. Nobody has a better mouth than I do. It’s just a fact. But my mouth does not necessarily speak for me or my campaign. I cannot be held responsible for every thing that ass hole says. I am not my mouth. And you can quote me on that.”

I know that as a news junkie/reporter it is my responsibility to pay attention to detail. Perhaps statements like the one above by Pouty McFuckface should have tipped me off. I am not trying to make excuses. I suppose I got caught up in all the excrement…I mean excitement. I, as you are painfully aware, have been closely watching the candidacy of Donald Chrump and have always tried to be objective (well, objecting but I think they’re pretty much the same thing) and observant. Or so I thought.

Pouty McFuckface

It seems I have misjudged Mr. Chrump in an embarrassing way. I hope I can be excused for not realizing that the hole under his nose, considering what comes out of that particular orifice moment after moment, day after day, for more months than anyone can believe, was actually his mouth. I know that its location just above his orange chin should have tipped me off. Maybe I’m getting slow in my old age but I would have sworn that thing was a sphincter of the sort typically found at the other end of the feeding/elimination tube. My bad. Chrump obviously talks out of both ends of his tube with equal aplomb. It’s just difficult to determine which end is which. Nonetheless I certainly hope he doesn’t try to kiss Ted Cruz’s wife with that thing.

Are we absolutely sure that thing is a mouth?
Either way, avoid standing directly in front of it.

He’s Got His Back

Behind every good man there is a strong woman. Behind Donald Chrump there is ardent supporter Ann Coulter saying, “Our candidate is mental! Do you realize our candidate is mental? It’s like constantly having to bail out your sixteen-year-old son from prison.” The ladies love him. They love him.

Still Can’t Keep Up

While I was writing this Chrump changed his position on abortion and the punishing of women and/or doctors therefore a couple more times. The Art of the Flip Flop. It isn’t that Chrump is off message, except for the part where every other Republican’t hides their message and Chrump is too ignorant use the lingo. He says exactly what they think, but will never say aloud. And they hate him for this. Idiot that he is, he has accidentally outed the lot of them. Chrump’s insane original position on abortion – punishing women who get them – is the same as that of most Republican’ts including Cruz and Kasich (who has done just about everything in his power as governor of Ohio to limit women’s rights and health. In February, he signed a bill preventing Planned Parenthood from getting $1.3 million in state and federal funding, including funds for a program to reduce infant mortality. As always, these hypocrites only care about fetuses. Not women. Not children.

Chrump, when asked by John Dickerson if he thought abortion was murder said, "I have my opinions on it, but I'd rather not comment on it. I mean, I do have my opinions on it. I just don't think it's an appropriate forum." Excuse me sir, but my understanding is that you are running for president. That is what you have been intimating…or at least your mouth has. I cannot think of a more appropriate forum in which to discuss issues of law. But what do I know? I’m not a reality show star…I mean candidate for president so this might not be an appropriate forum.

As anyone within the sight of my voice will be unsurprised to learn, Chrump is refusing to say he will rule out a third party run. It depends on how he is treated. Poor baby.

And Now…Old News

The more things change, the more Chrump stays the same.

I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you’re too darn close.

UPDATED: 10:20 PM April 6, 2016

“All of the worst things we know about Donald Trump have come from his mouth.” Lawrence O’Donnell

                                                                                                                         Mad in USA