Broken News - UPDATE: Jim Jor-Done

No Jackass Requred

October 20, 2023

After three crushing defeats, each worse that the last, tiny-brained election denier and all-around douchebag Jim Jordan continued his doomed quest to lead his party over the cliff. With all the certainty of a paranoid schizophrenic, Jordan had one more hand to play. He dragged his bloody caucus into a secret meeting to gauge what he assumed was his irresistible (excluding of course, the three recent assurances to the contrary) appeal once his besties could truly express their love for him away from the prying eyes of the media, Democrats, the public and presumably Jordan’s lord and savior – Donald Jurassic Trump.

A funny thing happened behind those closed doors. It was 50 shades of fuck you. Instead of losing 25 members who were willing to incur Trump’s wrath by voting against his hand-picked candidate, 112 members of the Fascist Party said no thanks, while only 86 continued their massive delusion that Jordan was the right man for the job.

So, it’s time to stick a fork in rapist-enabler Jim Jordan. And not just figuratively. I think every one of us should find out where this treacherous cretin is drowning his sorrows and stick a fucking fork in him. I think it will help take his mind off of his ignominious smackdown. Or at the very least, remind him of it.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News update.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled schadenfreude, already in progress. 

Broken News

Three Strikes And You Suck

October 20, 2023

Mildewed moron Jim “Never Gonna Fuckin’ Be Speaker” Jordan stuck his proverbial dick in the speakership guillotine this past week. With peer popularity to rival the dislikes of Ted Cruz and Matt Gaetz, Jordan saw his vote total in the quest for 217 crater under the crushing weight of his enmity. Vote #1 saw Hakim Jeffries pull down 212, with Jordan squeezing out a paltry 200. Vote #2 gave Jeffries the same 212, with Jordan’s total slipping to 199. All this came after all manner of threats against Jordan’s fellow Fascist Party colleagues and their families.

Jim Jordan, seen here asking reporters if they think
people hate him just because he’s an asshole

An election denier to the end, and never one to be out-dumbed, Jordan pushed forward for a third spanking. He got what he wanted. Vote #3 saw Jordan’s target number reduce to 215; fortunately for democracy, his actual vote count melted down to 194. Some people might see a trend here. No telling what Jordan is seeing.

To Rep. Jordan,

This is how voting works, asshole. People register their wishes on the record and other people count up the votes. The person with the larger number of votes is known as the winner. The person with the smaller number, and as it turns out this appellation applied to you well before even your first defeat at the hands of people who know you very well, is the loser. In your case, as regards your pathetic attempts to strongarm people to vote for you, you are a three-time loser. In this case, anyone who cared to was able to watch the voting, the counting, and your repeated losing live on television. No Dominion voting machines built for Hugo Chavez. Maybe you were in the room where it happened, but we have no confidence that you are able to interpret what is happening right under your nose, and we know that there is no result not to your liking that you will accept as fact.

Fuck you very much,

I. Mangrey

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts. 

Thought For The Day - Armani On A Pig

Stress For Success

October 20, 2023

There has been much talk and more hand-wringing about how senators dress and how it reflects on the dignity of the office.

Sen. John Fetterman (or is it his body double) preparing to preside over the Senate

You wanna talk about dignity?

Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-M

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI)

Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA)

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)

Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)

Sen. Tommy Fucking Tuberville (R-AL)

Sen. J.D. Vance (R-OH)

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (?-AZ)

All of the above have always dressed appropriately (with the exception of Sinema), but have all behaved shamefully, either repeatedly or consistently. 

This list did not include dimwits like Marco Rubio, Susan Collins, John Cornyn, Tim Scott, John Thune, Joni Ernst, Chuck Grassley, Tim Scott, Tom Tillis, Mike Lee, Joe Manchin, Robert Menendez and of course, Moscow Mitch McConnell, all of whom are assholes and/or idiots, but always so properly attired. And that's just the Senate.

In reality, Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) started this whole thing because of his attire. While Fetterman may be undignified in his sartorial choices, he is intelligent and dignified in his actions. Well, maybe not always the most dignified, but sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire.

Any argument over decorum and dignity at the highest levels of our government can be put to rest with one picture (too many to choose from) and three little words:

Donald Jackal Trump

So, go ahead, talk about how John Fetterman dresses.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

What do you think?

Fun Fact For The Day - Caucus Block

Animus House

October 17, 2023

Rotting bag of protoplasm in human’s clothing Rep. Jim Jordan (R-DJT), after several days of pressuring his colleagues to vote him in as speaker, got his dumb ass handed to him on the first round of voting.

I’m looking forward to a long, drawn-out process like the one we saw when Kevin McQarthy wasted everyone’s time kowtowing to MAGAworld in order to live his dream-cum-nightmare of becoming Speaker of the House by any means necessary. McQarthy’s speakership lasted only a few weeks – after 15 grueling (or hilarious, depending on your perspective) votes – only to have the gavel pulled out from under him after he displeased his not-so-benevolent overlords by daring to attempt getting stuff done.

Caucus Block

Jordan came in a distant second to House minority leader Hakim Jeffries. Jeffries garnered 212 votes to Jordan’s 200. Back in January, McQarthy got 201 on his first try.

In today’s Trump-dominated Fascist Party caucus, Jeffries has two significant disadvantages which all but disqualify him from becoming speaker. First of all, Jeffries is a Democrat. Second, he is very intelligent, serious and well-spoken. Oh, and I almost forgot – Hakim Jeffries is Black.

Calling Jordan a parasite does a disservice to fleas, ticks, maggots and other living creatures of their ilk. As mentioned here recently, Jordan’s Ohio colleague and former-speaker John Boehner singled Jordan out as a “legislative terrorist” who has never done anything constructive during his 16 years in the House. In fact, Jordan is responsible for exactly zero pieces of legislation during his tenure. He has though been responsible for much yelling, screaming, useless hearings and wasted time.

Jordan, Jordan he’s our man, if he can’t do it,
no one will be surprised

Jordan is a weasel. On January 2, 2021, he led a conference call in which he, Trump and other ratfucking members of the MAGA caucus discussed strategies for delaying the January 6 certification of the 2020 election. They also discussed using social media to encourage Trump’s minions to ‘march to the Capitol’ on the 6^th.

Jordan was instrumental – a tool, if you will – in Trump’s attempted coup. When asked to testify before the Jan 6 Committee, Jordan refused to honor the subpoena served by his colleagues.

Jordan plans to continue leaning on naysayers in hopes a better vote tomorrow. You know what they say, if at first you’re a piece-of-shit loser, cry, try again…if you absolutely must.

Fuck him and the whores he rode in on.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day. Yuck it up. 

Return Of The Keystone Caucus

The Crap Rises To The Top 

October 14, 2023

The Fascist/Republican Party simply cannot govern. They cannot even govern their own caucus. Half of them cannot even govern themselves as individuals. The party is rife with numbskulls, racists, petty tyrants and flaming assholes. These are their only talents. They are simply good for nothing but flagrant self-promotion. Hopefully many of them will find themselves out of jobs come November 2024. For now, they are still here holding Congress hostage and terrorizing democracy and the American people.

At the direction of disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president who still rules the Fascist Party with a tiny iron fist, the very-low-IQ Keystone Caucus fired their own henpecked…I mean hand-picked speaker without having a replacement ready to take over. It’s almost like they don’t care about governing. More likely, they don’t know the meaning of the word, or most words for that matter.

The Outhouse Of Representatives

Because of the House fascists patented inanity, they are now paralyzed. And not just mentally. Nothing can budge in the House without a speaker, even a vapid, ineffectual, soulless douche like Kevin McQarthy, or someone who compared himself to KKK douchebag David Duke, or sexual-abuse-adjacent Jim Jordan, or even longshot candidate for speaker rapey pumpkin Donald Trump. All of these quarter-wits voted to overturn the 2020 election. These idiots aren’t even good at shitting their pants.

If there is anyone less qualified, less intellectually and psychologically competent, more of an unrepentant election denier and forever-Trumper, and a shameless insurrectionist than Kevin McQarthy it would be frontrunner du jour and current party nominee for speaker Jim Jordan. John Boehner called Jordan a “legislative terrorist.” And lest we forget, Jordan is still in defiance of a congressional subpoena subpoena – that would be the very same Congress he wants to lead (off a cliff). If Jordan gets the rose and the gavel, all bets are off.

Jordan is a small man physically and intellectually,

but he is huge in the stupid department

If all of this isn’t bad enough, Jordan has received a “complete and total endorsement” from bull goose looney Donald Trump. As of now, Jordan is around 60 votes short of the majority needed to claim the gavel, and around 50 points short of a double-digit IQ.

Hapless House hacks: EmptyG, Boebert Santos, Jordan, Gaetz,
Stefanik, Gossar, Scalise

For his part, after whining about Netanyahu and attacking Israel and describing Hezbollah as “very smart” (at least he hasn’t called them very fine people…yet) Donald Jew-hater Trump is poised to win the Nobel Putz Prize. As they say, the fish rots from the head down, though in this case the entire fish has been rotten for a long, long time.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Indigenous Peoples Day - The Beatdown Goes On

This land is their land. Show some fucking respect already.

These Assholes Are Making Me Thirsty

October 9, 2023

The sprawling $128 million Dilkon Medical Center on the Navajo Nation in Arizona, was completed more than a year ago. It has an emergency room, pharmacy and housing for more than 100 staff members. The new hospital was cause for celebration in a community that has to travel long distances for all but the most basic health care.

Sounds wonderful, right? Just one catch; there hasn’t been enough clean water to fill the facility’s storage tank, so the hospital sits empty.

Though Utah (yes, that Utah) and New Mexico have made peace with the Navajos over water, the (not-at-all) great state of Arizona has worked tirelessly to deprive the Navajos of access to the water they need, the water they are entitled to. I think somebody needs to go back where they came from.

No water for you!

In response to the Navajo appeal to right this wrong, the Extreme Court in a 5-4 decision, ruled against the Navajo Nation over claims that the federal government has failed to assert the tribe's desperate need for water access. Roberts, Alito, Thomas, Clowny Barrett and Kavanaugh told the Navajo Nation – drop dead. Fuck you. Fuck your shiny new medical center. Go back where you came from if you don’t like it here. Next case.

Writing for the malignant majority, Boof Kavanaugh wrote that “it is not the judiciary's role to rewrite and update this 155-year-old treaty.” Yeah, because treaties entered into between the United States and sovereign tribes are considered sacred and unbreakable for what Oneida/Iroquois comedian Charlie Hill described as “as long as the grass grows, the Sun shines…or 30 days, whichever comes first.” According to the Court’s majority, the 1868 treaty does not require the U.S. to take affirmative steps to secure water for the tribe on a reservation. So there.

Apparently, the Roberts court is only in the business of overturning 50-year-old established laws, like those allowing women control over their own bodies, or laws protecting the voting rights of minorities.  

The Roberts Court: a Jewish woman, a Black woman, A Hispanic woman

and six racist, misogynistic, fascist clowns

To be fair, maybe Kavanaugh is angry because he still hasn’t found his very own billionaire sugar daddy. Instead of drinking $1000/bottle wines he is stuck with his BFF, beer. He likes beer, he really likes beer, but I bet he’s willing to try flying on private jets to exotic locations and sip, guzzle or boof very fine wine.

FLASHBACK: a clip from the Kavanaugh hearing

I. Mangrey, member of the Dia Tribe.

Other Good News From Indian Country…

Paying Attention™ Request Line

 
Ariel Baddass on the air and taking your requests

October 8, 2023

Our newly hired DJ Ariel Baddass convinced management to add a request/dedication line for folks to hear what they want, when they want it, and send it on out there to someone special.

Hey boys and girls, cats and kitties, all the ships and clippers at sea. This is Ariel B back on the air at last. Been on kind of a forced hiatus. Got asked to leave my last gig after my tribute to the great Joey Reynolds. As Joey did on his last day at WIBG in Philly back in the early ‘70s, I locked myself in the booth and played John Lennon’s Give Peace a Chance for an hour or so, until they brought in a locksmith and a very large gentleman to help me to my car. Thanks to the good folks at Paying Attention™ for hookin’ me up to once again play the platters, spin the saucers, dish out the discs and respect the stacks of wax here at PA Central. I hope to make you proud playin’ the hits, the misses, and anything else you wanna hear.

I. Mangrey looking over the playlist

DJ: Let’s hit the ground spinning and take our first call. And who do we have on the line?

Caller: Hi, I’m Ed long time managing editor, first time caller.

DJ: Hi Ed. What’s your request and who are you dedicating it to? We’re here to make it happen.

Caller: Thanks Ariel. I wanna hear the late, great Fats Waller’s (I'll Be Glad When You're Dead) You Rascal, You. And I’d like this to go out to someone so deserving it ain’t even funny. The song is even older than he is, but not by much. Please send this out to Big, Dumb Donny T. May he rest in peace, or at least STFU.

Fats Waller - (I'll Be Glad When You're Dead) You Rascal, You (1929)

Send us your requests and dedications and we’ll get ‘em on the air. 

Our House, Is A Very, Very, Very Dumb House

Meet The New Joke, Same As The Old Joke

October 6, 2023

Now-ex-Speaker of the House Kevin McQarthy – who needed the most votes to cave in, I mean get in as speaker – has become the only speaker ever to be removed by his own party. It seems they forgot one thing – to have his doomed replacement ready to take the gavel. This means that the House will be unable to get any work done. Of course, 1) they barely got anything useful done the entire time McQarthy pretended to run the show, and 2) nothing this MAGA-addled Congress has done or would do in any way benefits the American people anyway. So, keep up the bad work folks.

His humiliating ouster makes McQarthy the third-shortest serving speaker of the House in American history, and the shortest since 1875. Heck of a job, Kevie.

“Speaker” McQarthy before being re-humiliated and fired by his own party

The fascist (i.e., Ratpublican) majority of the 117th - the Keystone Congress - finds themselves up a creek without a brain after dismissing their barely-chosen speaker for avoiding a government shut-down with help from Democrats because his party was busy tasing itself in the genitals.

Irony alert: the Ratpublicans who wanted McQarthy out for working with Democrats voted with the very same Democrats to achieve their goal of getting rid of McQarthy.

The Keystone Congress

Top speaker prospect Steve Scalise once described himself as (former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and still racist as fuck) David Duke without the baggage. His words, not mine. Regardless of what Scalise meant by that, it was the second dumbest thing he could have said. The dumbest? He could have said he was Adolf Hitler without the mustache. In 2002, Scalise attended and spoke at a white supremacist conference organized by Duke.

This crop of Republicans/fascists seems more interested in vying for dullest knife in the drawer than doing anything government-y.

Since there are virtually no rules regarding who can be speaker of the House, a number of the flailing fascists in the majority have farted, I mean floated the idea of inviting the disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president who is currently embroiled in 91 felony indictments and a potentially devastating civil trial that currently has him under a gag order, to be interim speaker.

Yes, please.

It’s possible there is actually one requirement for being speaker – not being under indictment. But as we know, rules were meant to be broken…if you’re a Republican/fascist.

Or, perhaps you would prefer in-over-his-head-in-a-wading-pool Jim Jordan (recently featured as our Schmuck of The Day), who has announced his intention to run for speaker, or one of the numerous dim bulbs qualified (i.e., having a pulse) to fake the reins. There is so much talent to choose from in the GQP. With the added bonus, if you put them all together, their collective IQ hits double digits. Isn't that exciting? But can they pull off the ever-elusive person-woman-man-camera-TV? 

The current temp speaker Ryan McHenry (R-Asshole) borrowed the gavel and immediately evicted ex-Speaker Nancy Pelosi out of an office she has been using since her time as speaker. It has been customary to allow ex-speakers to continue occupying that suite. For example, Pelosi allowed eventually-disgraced ex-speaker Dennis Hastert to remain in that office as long as he pleased. In 2016 - nine years after resigning as speaker to become a fucking lobbyist, Hastert was sentenced to 15 months in prison for financial offenses related to the sexual abuse of teenage boys. Or as it is more commonly referred to, being a Republican. Hastert became the highest-ranking elected official in U.S. history to serve a prison sentence. That record will hopefully be broken in perpetuity in the very near future.

And lastly, as is proving to be the case over and over of late, Sen. John Fetterman says it best:

        “Replacing one dick with a different kind of dick isn’t gonna change anything.”

I. Mangrey trying not to laugh so hard that I throw up. 

Donny's Phantasmagorical Fraud Factory

New York State Of Mine

October 3, 2023

Very stable genius Donald Jailbird Trump figured out a great way to distract everyone from the myriad pending court appearances necessary to manage his 91 charges in four separate jurisdictions (so far). Especially since he had to show up in court yesterday, where he was caused to share airspace with his nemesis du jour – Letitia James, who has Dumb Donald dead to rights if the judge hearing the case is to be believed. And of course, he is, since it is his courtroom and his rules. This judge has already found Trump guilty, and is now hearing more testimony in order to determine how much of Trump’s imaginary fortune to siphon away to pay his victims. Oh, and probably end his ability to do business in New York.

The disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president took time away from being a grifting shitbag running for president in order to keep himself out of prison, by talking about executing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Five-Star Army General Mark Milley, days before his retirement.

Milley has served his nation in the military honorably for 43 years – unlike Trump who never served anyone but himself and never acted honorably in his entire noxious life.

Then this happened…

Milley in obvious distress, somehow able to keep his hands from strangling Trump

And this (for which Milley felt compelled to apologize to the American people)…

Milley, conned into accompanying the Orange Oaf for political theater

Presumably, Trump believes Milley should have been executed for talking Trump out of using the Insurrection Act against American civilians who were protesting after the brutal police murder of George Floyd. Trump attacked Milley for daring to put his oath to the Constitution above blind loyalty to a demented conman.

But back to our main story…

New York State Of Fraud

Donald Trump may have just received the most severe spanking since Stormy Daniels swatted his dumb ass with a Forbes magazine bearing the fake billionaire’s artificial face. Trump was found guilty by Judge Arthur Engoron of having committed fraud over many decades. Of grossly over-valuing his assets to make him look much wealthier than he was, while at the same time demanding those same assets be assessed lower when the tax man came sniffing around.

If looks could kill, we might all die…of laughter

How do you think he got so rich? He didn’t. Just like his skin-tone and his “hair” and its ill-begotten hue, his financial status is completely bogus. And it’s about to get much, much worse for Dishonest Don. Trump bragged that he was the King of Debt – his crown is about to become much heavier. He said he will be testifying in his own demented defense, so odds are he will not.

Judge Engoron looked at the evidence and made an immediate ruling in the civil lawsuit brought by New York Attorney General Letitia James. The judge found that Trump and his company deceived banks, insurers and others by massively overvaluing his assets and exaggerating his net worth on paperwork used in making deals and securing loans.

Shocking, I know. Trump’s fake fortune was built on a house of marked cards.

Trump went on his anti-social media and called for the judge to be “stopped.” Them sounds like fightin’ words. And, incitin’ words.

Don't judge; he’s loser, not a fighter...

or a dancer...or a mammal

Trump’s ultimate liability may be a result of his lying ability, which is immeasurable.

I. Mangrey and T. Doff reporting.