What A Dick?

Straight From The Horse’s Ass’ Mouth

October 25, 2024

As Trump addressed his assembled and dissembled idiots in Latrobe, PA – birthplace of Arnold Palmer, who died in 2018 – (after Trump told himself out loud “I refuse to say it”) he could not help himself from assaulting the crowd with some of his patented locker room talk about Palmer’s “birdie” and he was not referring to a one under par on a particularly challenging hole in a big tournament. No, Trump was talking about the great golfer’s putts…sorry, I meant putz. I'll spare you the details.

Donald “Dancing Queen of The YMCA” Trump may or may not have added, “I always dreamed of getting my tiny little hands around that thing to sink a putt or something. But unfortunately, I only ever heard stories. The best stories. He would never let me even see it, though not for lack of begging. What a great man. All man. Under the right circumstances, he might have kept me from falling for Putin.”

Palmer’s daughter Peg Palmer Wears recalled her father’s “sound of disgust” as he watched Trump speak on television ahead of the 2016 election. Wears said that her father “couldn’t believe the arrogance and crudeness of this man who was the nominee of the political party that he believed in. Then he said, ‘He’s not as smart as we thought he was,’ and walked out of the room. What would my dad think of Donald Trump today? I think he’d cringe.”

He ain’t alone.

I. Mangrey regardless. 

Schmuck Of The Day – The Girl From Ignoramus

Georgia Screech 

October 24, 2024

Today’s schmuck is a repeat offender. Another member of the House who somehow got elected (somehow = gerrymandering) and is again running for reelection. This unconscionable schmuck is one of Trump’s most ardent butt-kissers, with one of the most dysfunctional brains in the history in Congress – no mean feat.

So smitten with Trump is she that Marge will fondle a cardboard Don;

unfortunately for her, he is no Arnold Palmer (not with those tiny hands)

It is none other than the back-benching, biscuit-brained, blowhard bitch, good ol’ Cro Magnon Marge Taylor Green, or as we loke to call her here, EmptyG. It seems Marge doesn’t even watch Fux News, or she might have noticed that Fux had to cough up over three quarters of a million dollars as settlement for spreading misinformation about Dominion Voting Systems’ machines rigging the 2020 election for Joe Biden.

Just the other day, Mentally-defective Marge – a rabid Trump cultist and proud dimwit – revived the debunked-in-court Dominion voting machine bullshit conspiracy theory. Hopefully, Dominion will go after Greene and take her for every cent she has, leaving her with nothing but that one deteriorating brain cell and what Rep. Jasmine Crockett so astutely, alliteratively and accurately dubbed EmptyG's bleach-blonde-bad-built-butch-body.

Todd Rundgren – STFU

 

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. Fuck yeah.

You Deserve A Fake Today at FcDonald's

At Your Disservice

October 23, 2024

Thirty-four-time convicted felon (also found guilty of financial fraud, sexual assault, running a phony charity, running a phony university and responsible for hundreds of thousands of dead Americans because of ignoring the COVID-19 pandemic) DarnOld Trump whipped up another photo op on the campaign trail.

Trump commandeered a closed McDonald’s to pretend to actually do a job that many real people do to put food on the table. As if he has any idea what a job actually is. Having spent a good deal of time lying about Kamala Harris having worked at McDonald’s as a student, Trump thought it would be a brilliant idea if he pretended to do (for about five minutes) the same job Harris actually did – making fries. Trump, doing his usual reality tv come on, entered the closed McDonald’s, filled with pre-screened “employees” and asked for a job. Naturally, he could not even do this right. He asked to work “the French fry counter.” Clearly, Dumb Donald has always had someone else pick up his fast food. Then he served fake “customers” at the drive-thru. Not sure if he got the job after they watched him in action.*

Worst, shortest-serving McDonald’s employee ever
You can take these fries from my cold, dead, tiny hands

Professional criminal Trump should not be serving fries. He should be serving time.

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*Hopefully, if Trump manages to stay out of jail his next job will be Walmart greeter…in closed Walmarts.

I. Mangrey reporting. I deserve a break today.

Fun Fact For The Day – Fat Pigs For Trump

Hoist On His Own Patootie

October 22, 2024

For years now we have been hearing all manner of politicos, pundits and assorted morons assure us that the demented racist and dictator-wanna-be Trump would pivot away from the insane bullshit they said was just him joking getting attention.

Well, with the 2024 election just two agonizing  weeks away, the long-imagined (for absolutely no good reason) pivot seems to have finally happened. Last week in Michigan Trump took a break from insulting the entire city of Detroit (while speaking in Detroit) and American auto workers (saying their jobs could be done by children, which is something that very well might come true when Project 2025 eliminates all child labor laws), offered up this tender, empathetic plea to his fervent supporters as Election Day hurtles toward us like a Category 10 hurricane with unmeasurable wind speeds, bursting at the seams with very wet water

“Make sure you vote and bring all our friends that want to vote for us. Tell him, Jill, get your fat husband off the couch, get that, get that fat pig off the couch. Tell him to go and vote for Trump. He's going to save our country. Get that guy the hell off. Get him up. You slap him around. Get him up. Get him up. We want him off the couch to get out and vote.”

I guess that's what passes for charisma in MAGAworld. 

Who knew that the amazing pivot Trump would make would be even dumber, sicker, uglier and more insulting than ever? My guess is, almost everyone. The only surprise at this point is that Trump has managed to muster up the self-control to avoid dropping the N-word.

Who knew that Trump would pivot all the way to full-throated fascism, complete with the words, thoughts and  of Adolph Hitler hisself? You knew. I knew. A significant majority of Americans knew. And we are all currently scared shitless.

What A Dick

Dementia Don did however spend 10 minutes at one of his Pennsylvania Bund rallies croaking about the wonders of Arnold Palmer’s penis. If you are not already aware of this insanity, it really happened. I kid you fucking not. There is no rock bottom, no magma bottom for this tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

Was that not in fact as much fun as a tiny, little, Orwellian “Fun Size” Snickers?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day.

Cruzin’ For A Losin’

October 21, 2024

We need to take a break from DarnOld Trump and his rapid mental decline – his douchey dancing, his need to regale his nitwits with tales of Arnold Palmer’s dick (who died eight years ago)and constantly whining about acing cognitive tests, not to mention the unhinged lies, fascism and championship-level stupid. Unfortunately, we have been so traumatized by following the giant ham hock in a suit that we ended up looking into the hotly contested Senate race in Texas. The most hated man in Congress (you need to up your game Matt Gaetz) is still Ted Cruz, who is running against Rep. Colin Allred who is well within striking distance of finally ousting Cancun Cruz from the Senate

In 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution." But US Court of Appeals for the 5^th Circuit thought this argument was stupid. Cruz wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.

His old college roommate weighed in:

Peter King (R-NY), no liberal he, vigorously endorsed Cruz’s presidential bid in 2016. King explained his excitement at the thought of a Cruz nomination saying, “I tell you, I don’t know — I’ll get some cyanide. I don’t know what I’ll do. I mean, I’ll just — you know, not gonna tell you.”

Ultra-reactionary Linsey Graham’s take on Ted? “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.”

And then there’s former Minnesota Senator Al Franken

The Germans have a word for it.

I. Mangrey reporting. This is not exactly fun. 

Thought For The Day – Daddy Issues

Who’s Their Daddy?

October 20, 2024

DarnOld Trump keeps saying that he is “the father of IVF.” What a fucking joke. He is barely the father of the five children he sired with the three wives he cheated on, let alone however many other children we don’t know about with women he likely had killed after the fact…if not before.*

Tiny-Dick Don famously bragged about always having unprotected sex during his single years in the late ‘90s, which he described as “my personal Vietnam.” Luckily for him he didn’t have dick spurs.

What Would You Do Daddy?

Not to mention, when he was asked what Trump and his daughter Ivanka had in common, he answered, “Sex” and has said, “If she weren’t my daughter perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

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*This has not been verified by other sources, but it seems reasonable given the circumstance to assume this is true.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.
I think I should probably stop thinking.

Question For The Day – Fruity Badness

The Cruller Investigation

October 19, 2024

As always, Trump can only think, talk and act about himself. Here we see him obsessed with his fake coloring – the face, the “hair.” The oranges. And that was years ago, when his brain and mouth were still communicating with each other…at least a little bit.

Trump’s breakdown began a long time ago, but why?

Today’s Question For The Day:

One wonders, what are the oranges of Trump's psychopathology and mental deterioration?

Bonus Question:

Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day. Or has it?

Bonus Non-Sequitur: A Great Way To Start Your Day

Medical Records, Please!

Clown Hall “Dancing” Fool

October 17, 2024

Earlier this week, Trump hijacked his own town hall in Oaks, Pennsylvania hosted by proud dog-shooter Kristi Noem. First of all, why the fuck was Gravel Pit Granny hosting a town hall in PA? Was it because no politician from that state wanted to be seen with, or close enough to smell Trump? Trump babbled in response to four questions from his adoring idiots, after which two unfortunate attendees passed out and required medical attention.

Once he was able to redirect the crowd’s attention, Diaper Don proceeded to become the world’s oldest (and worst) disc jockey, calling out tunes – including two versions of the rousing crowd-pleaser Ave Maria – with which to regale the increasingly stunned and befuddled crowd.

Douchey dancing

While the music played, Trump just wobbled, shuffled and “danced” around for 39 minutes, frequently standing within butt’s reach of the cushioned stool he had sat in earlier. As the second version of Ave Maria began to play, the tiny-hands dancer told his servant, “Nice and loud. Turn it up louder, we want a little action here.” Because nothing energizes a crowd like the peppy strains of Ave Maria. Especially the instant replay.

Why did Trump continue standing for 39 minutes of Radio WTF? To prove he has stamina? To soften up his bone spurs? There is a non-zero chance that Trump remained standing the entire time because his diaper was too full to sit down.

And you just know that Kristi Noem was chomping at the bit to take her dear leader out to the gravel pit (think Lenny at the end of Of Mice and Men).

Trump's actual teleprompter at the Oaks Town Hall after

his staff thought the music fest had mercifully, finally ended

The entirely mentally stable Trump closed the show by saying he would take one more question from the baffled, exhausted, dumbass masses. He immediately hijacked that concept of a plan slurring, “You wanna do one? Let’s go. Let’s go. You know, but it ends so beautifully. How about this? We’ll play YMCA, and we’ll go home.” (actual quote…really, I swear) And that is exactly what happened. A very stable genius.

Last, but not least, Trump’s mouth (brain sold separately) told the audience, “If everything works out, if everyone gets out and votes on January 5^th…” A sentiment we here at Paying Attention™ wholeheartedly support…for Trump voters.

Medical records, please!*

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*After witnessing this bizarre episode, more than 230 doctors and health care providers called on Bad Grandpa to release the medical records Trump claims are either under audit, or in a lock-box along with his tax returns and Obama’s real birth certificate, or none of your goddam business.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

Mental Detector™ - You Can Dumb, But You Can’t Hide

Time To Require White People To Prove They Should Be Allowed To Vote

October 16, 2024

Were you sickened to your core during the Trump/Harris debate, watching Trump lose his shit and scream about a previously completely debunked lie that Haitians in Ohio were “eating the dogs, eating the cats, eating the pets of the people who live there?”

Did you throw up in your mouth a little when VD Vantz refused to answer if he thought Trump lost the 2020 election, saying he was focused on the future, and in the same breath talking about the past? 

Tim Walz: Did [Trump] lose the 2020 election?

Vantz: Tim, I’m focused on the future; did Kamala Harris censor Americans from speaking their mind in the wake of the 2020 COVID situation?

Walz: That is a damning non-answer.

Were you sickened that no one in the media even noticed this? Are you looking for a way to offset the mental midgetry exhibited by many of the blindly loyal, excessively white and witless Trump voters?

Brought to you by the good folks at Paying Attention™, the people who brought you VOTEGRA and RENT-A-COMA. In case you haven’t noticed, American’s electoral system is a complete and total disaster, even ignoring the disgracefully anti-democratic Electoral College that pisses all over the popular vote across the nation.

We at Paying Attention™ are calling for a complete and total ban on ignorant, purposefully uninformed, mentally defective people being allowed to vote. We would prefer that they be kept out of the White House as well. To quote our very own Disaster-in-chief DarnOld Trump, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.” Only two words are necessary to drive home the importance of this issue: Donald Trump.

America needs a way to ensure that people casting ballots are actually capable of doing so. We cannot allow our cherished elections to be overrun by mercury-infested mental midgets. Age is not the real issue. I suppose it is fair that children cannot vote even though they are, in many ways, smarter than most adults, and the consequences of elections impact them, if not more so, then certainly for a longer time. Gender is not the issue – even though all of our founding fathers, and their children, and their children’s children and so on, all the way until 1920, found it unnecessary, if not unacceptable, for women to vote. Race is not the issue – at least not officially…anymore – with the exception of Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina and a few other less flagrantly racist states. We have already tried the literacy test, and as it had nothing to do with literacy, it was disgraceful.

However, in these modern times when tiny cameras can be dispatched into your colon to see what is going on in there, when satellites and drones (some, the size of dragonflies) can tell how many hairs are on your head (unless you happen to have them wrapped around and around and around like a heap of badly-colored cotton candy), and microwave ovens can – according to Kellyanne Conjob – turn themselves into spy cameras (what, no space lasers?) for George Soros, it is time to bring modern technology to bear on our most fundamental and (theoretically) cherished rights – the right to vote. And not just the ability to have our votes hacked, changed or deleted.

We need new technology to Make Voting Great Again. Remember, our Founding Fathers only wanted wealthy, land-owning white males to vote…for electors (the Electoral College), who in turn would decide who would be president, too often in opposition to the will of the voting public. Now just about everyone can vote, but there clearly needs to be more to voter registration than being over the age of 18, not currently serving a felony rap, and having a pulse.

You don’t just automatically get a driver’s license when you turn 16. You have to prove a certain level of competency before you can be unleashed upon the driving public. And let’s face it, even the most horrendous car accidents are only likely to kill a few unfortunate souls. But, a horrendous voting accident – like George WTF Bush being appointed by the Supreme Court after they illegally stopped the vote count in Florida, or like Donald Trump winning the Electoral College after being thumped at the actual polls – can disrupt the entire global infrastructure for decades after the fact.

Morans like this should not be voting until they get some help

So You Think You Can Vote

What we need is a way to determine that before you cast a vote, that you have sufficient social and mental capacity to know what the hell you are getting all of us into. There is more at stake than making sure you can carry an assault weapon while you are getting shit-faced at the local bar, or that you cannot be forced to make a wedding cake for a gay couple, or that your teen-aged neighbor who was raped by her father is forced to have that baby, or that your taxes – which are more than most people make in a year or two – should be lowered. What this country needs is a Mental Detector.  We need one in the White House, we need several in the Capitol building, and since some of our elected officials are so intent on voter ID, it is time to install mental detectors at all polling places. It does not even matter if you are Democrat or Republican’t, registered to vote, living or dead. (Apparently many dead people forget to cancel their voter registration, but almost none of them vote. Some say this is illegal, but what if it is simply incredible dedication?) All we really need to know, and obviously now more than ever, is whether or not you are electorally competent before we let you select people to run this nation for years on end.  America needs the amazing new Mental Detector™ to weed out the mental defectives. First from the electorate, and then hopefully from holding office.

America needs mental detectors

Moron-a-Tron’s Mental Detector™ can detect even the smallest hint of meaningful, reality-based brain activity, and not just the kind that keeps your vital functions humming along. Wouldn’t it be great to know what you are talking to before wasting valuable time trying to discuss politics with the guy screaming on the subway about how great Trump is? Once it is determined that there is more than a festering vacuum between the ears, the amazing new Mental Detector™ begins phase two. It measures brain waves and can determine if the person being scanned has any factual knowledge of American history, foreign affairs and maybe a current event or two. Addiction to Fux News and alternative facts is immediately recognized by Mental Detector™.

Moron-a-Tron: Show mental defectives the door

Mental Detector™ can ascertain if the subject has ever read, or has even the vaguest notion of what is in the Constitution (the real one, not the imaginary one so many Americans claim to have faith in), a reasonable grasp of current events (the real ones, not the ones on Fux News, or what appears on Trump’s Anti-Truth Anti-Social feed), and the way our government works.

Can you spot the mental defectives in this picture?

Moron-a-Tron’s amazing new Mental Detector™ can!

The only real mental detector on the market

Unfortunately, even the best mental detectors known to man cannot fight voter suppression, gerrymandering, voting machine hacking and Ratpublican’t COLLUSION with Russian election meddling (not to mention the dangerous, criminal Supreme Court), but we need all the help we can get. If you are not mentally defective, get out and vote like your life depends on it. Thanks to DarnOld “Fascist-to-the-Core”* Trump, it does.

Mental Detector™ – Using science to make America great…finally.

Make sure your polling place has at least one!

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*A direct quote from Trump’s former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Mark , who believes that Trump is the most dangerous person in America.

Another quality product brought to you by your good friends at Paying Attention™