We Said He Said What We Said He Said
October 3, 2019
While I am relieved that Nancy Pelosi has finally let the
Impeachment Train out of the station, I am not particularly satisfied that she
is insisting on a singular focus on Der Furor’s extortion-ridden phone call
with the president of Ukraine. There are
so many other horrendous acts that should not be swept into the memory
hole. Unless the American memory hole is
in fact a black hole, it must be overflowing, but that is no excuse to turn a
dog-tired, itchy, burning, bloodshot, blind eye to the laundry list of
impeachable-adjacent and outright impeachable offenses committed by the
Conman-in-chief. That being said, if
this Ukraine-extortion/election-meddling-phone-call episode is sufficient to bring this criminal enterprise of a fake
administration to a screeching halt, then I will take it.
Despite the obvious risks, Paying Attention decided to seek
out the Offender-in-chief to delve into the inner workings of whatever it is
that lurks beneath the off-color “hair” and burnt umbrage façade, that passes
for Chrump’s “very, very large uh-brain.”
An emergency medical team and trained extraction force comprised of ex-Navy
Seals stood by in case our reporter required immediate attention.
The qresident agreed to sit down with our Allyson Wunderland
for an exclusive interview, but only if she promised to wear a short skirt, and if the interview
could be held directly beneath the churning blades of Marine One, the president’s
helicopter, and in close proximity to a McDonald’s. There was no sitting, and it was not so much
interview (Allyson never actually asked a question) as it was Chrump screaming
over the chopper noise, which has become his signature communication
style. Here is what he shouted…
A very stable gasbag
“Excuse me, my phone calls with many very special people are
very, very secret. As you know, I love
many of them very much, though not as much as they love me. No one can know what I’m talking about. Very secret.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about. This is the way is has to be. My advisors, most of who are me, never tell me
what to say – since I know better than any of them, including me – and they
never tell me what I said. It doesn’t
matter anyway. I’ve said many things,
the best things anyone has ever said. I
have so many beautiful phone calls that are so perfect no one can even believe
how perfect my calls are. I can’t let
anyone know how I make such perfect calls before I get re-elected. Excuse me, I’m talking. Then I can let you in on my secrets, unless I
decide to run again.”
At this point Chrump appeared to either swallow his tongue,
or choke on a rogue shock of “hair” that had apparently had insufficient epoxy
to keep it from succumbing to the turbulent air beneath the chopper. Either way, once the almost shapeless
executive was able to refocus, he unfortunately continued.
“Many people don’t know that FDR – the very crippled and
ugly president, Francis Eleanor Rosenfeld – served very many terms. So many terms. No one really knows how many. Who knows, maybe I could do even more terms,
maybe the most ever? It could
happen. Plus, many of these calls are
under audit, like my taxes. That is why
we had to hide all my calls illegally.
And what about Hillary Clinton?
What about her emails? And her
server? Ukraine or Russia or Australia
or Saudi Arabia or whoever, if you’re listening, I hope sure if you’re able to
find Crooked Hillary’s missing emails, or her secret server, or Joe Biden’s
son, or maybe Jimmy Hoffa’s body, or those Big Macs that went missing yesterday. I think you will probably be rewarded
mightily by our crooked media. We must
find that server and unbleach it.”
“As far as this impeach Chrump thing goes, they should
probably impeach Rudy – it was all his idea.
And how about Mike Pence and his secret phone calls. Does anyone even know who Mike Pounce is
talking to? I have no idea. I don’t even know how he got in here. Ever heard of ‘implausible deniability’? That’s what I have, it means I can deny
everything and no one can question it.
It’s all in the Constitution.
Maybe you should read it. I read
it every day right before I wake up.”
Chrump making a perfect phone call perfectly
Finally, after covering a frightening array of unrelated
topics, and for no apparent reason, Chrump turned his mouth to Sen. Lindsey
Graham (R-Up-Chrump’s Ass).
“Would Lindsey Graham be golfing with me if I was such a bad
person. He was only pretending to hate
my guts when he called me a “race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot.” He told me he was kidding when he said I was
“generally a loser as a person and a candidate.” No one took him seriously when he said, “I
think he's a kook. I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office.” He only says nice things about me now that he
knows me better. No pressure. I did not have sexual relations with that
man. He loves Chrump of his own free
will. No pressure. We have a perfect relationship. Everyone loves Chrump. Except the fake news losers. I could have owned every McDonald’s you’ve
ever seen if I wanted to.”
At this point, the qresident simply gazed off into the
distance and wandered toward the McDonald’s.
“Out of my way underling. I only eat the
best food.”
Forget the whistleblower, this officer risked his life by
standing between the Toxic Orange Gas Cloud and an unsuspecting
McDonald’s. Once the officer was
dispatched, the Orange One scared off all the patrons within and inhaled all
the “food,” most of which was uncooked.
I. Mangrey reporting.
Keep your hands away from his mouth.
