You Deserve A Break Today...And Maybe Forever
An Imaginary* Product For Surreal Times
July 27, 2024
With only 101 days until the most critical, frightening election of our or most lifetimes, are you still
worried that our dystopian present is poised to decompose into a dystopianer
future? Are you having trouble hoping that Kamala Harris can rid this nation
and the world of having to pay attention to the evil and stupid Clear And
Present Danger J. Trump? Did you even know that Trump just said this to a gathering of
hypocritical Christians:
“Get out and vote.
Just this time. You won’t have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know
what: it’ll be fixed, it’ll be fine. You won’t have to vote anymore, my
beautiful Christians…. Get out, you’ve got to get out and vote. In four years,
you don’t have to vote again, we’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to
have to vote.”
Yes, that’s right
folks. If you vote for Trump and he wins, no more voting.
Despite the
promise of a considerably less disgusting future, there has never been a better
time for one of our favorite products. We thought RENT-A-COMA was an important option ever since the
very poorly attended “American Carnage” inauguration of the demented Orange Gas
Cloud nearly eight years ago. This remains true, but now with the added stress
of the upcoming election, which pits Trump’s Christo-fascist Project DEATH TO
AMERICA 2025 against Vice President Kamala Harris and a running mate to be
named later. If you are just finishing up a round of RENT-A-COMA, you may have missed Joe Biden ending his
re-election bid and endorsing his veep to take over the reins of the wagon
hoping to turn Trump into road kill (metaphorically speaking).
We are happy to
announce our new and improved RENT-A-COMA formula – now with anti-fascism crystals.
This could be one of the most important ways of coping with the burgeoning
fascist uprising that has congealed around Trump and the American Heritage Foundation’s
brutally authoritarian Christo-fascist plan to shoot democracy on Fifth Avenue
and the shocking destruction of the Constitution at the hands of the partisans
and/or criminals that make up the stolen majority on the Supreme Court.
Like the COVID virus he nurtured, Trump is also an airborne toxin
When the weather gets warmer and this thing magically disappears, we can finally get back to normal life and focus on Lyme ticks and virus-baring mosquitoes – ah, the good old days. But for now, why not consider RENT-A-COMA? It’s not like you’re doing anything important. I’m sure you could pay some other poor unemployed fellow citizen to come in and wash your hands every few minutes.
It’s His Party And You Can Cry if You Want To
Is
your brain screaming
bruised with numb surprise?
From the really terrific people who brought you Votegra for Electile Dysfunction as well as the Moron-o-Tron Mental Detector™for fewer morons and more intelligent elections…
It’s not a drug, it’s not Covfefe, it’s a way of life. Sure
there’s a pill to get you in the mood, but why call it a drug? What? Are you
obsessed with facts and reality? That is so pre-Trump. We have just what the doctor (before he was
outlawed, except for the very rich) ordered.
Are
your emotions frazzled?
Would you like to simply check out for a few days, weeks
or years and wake up fresh as a daisy in 2025 or 2525 (if man is still alive)?
Would
you like to do it safely without risking damage to your vital organs and
precious bodily fluids? Does this even matter anymore?
Is your psyche sucking wind?
Finally
there is a way to protect your mind – if nothing else – from President Death
What you need is
Rent-A-Coma
Doesn’t this sound appealing?
Doesn’t this look peaceful?
It isn’t suicide. It isn’t moving to Canada, or Costa Rica,
or Portugal, or a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. It’s just a time-out. The
massive hospital expenses will be partially offset by the great savings you’ll
realize on food, travel, shelter, Christmas and birthday gifts and all the
other things you waste money on every day, trying to distract yourself from the
neo-fascist destruction of America by the Russian agent known as Trumputin.
Plus, most if not none of it will be covered by whatever the fuck the
Fascist/Trump Party pukes are pretending will replace Obamacare. Many people
believe their plan is to replace health care with drive-by shootings.
Our state-of-the-art resting facilities are in full
compliance with all current regulations. Also, RENT-A-COMA is perfectly safe to use in the comfort of your own home, but it’s
best to have someone nearby to monitor your bliss. Our promise to you is
that when these regulations, as all regulations, are rescinded as Trump and the Republican’ts
slash everything not aimed at helping the wealthiest Americans, we will
maintain the highest standards required by law…when there was law.
CAUTION: The desire to remain comatose may be
habit forming
Here’s what people
are saying about RENT-A-COMA:
BHO
from Hawai’i: “ ”
SJG
from Pennsylvania: “
!”
JRB and Dr. JB from Delaware: “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
NP
from San Francisco: “I tried. I really tried, but I just couldn’t take it
anymore. I needed a break from surreality. RENT-A-COMA …zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
When we introduced RENT-A-COMA we were not prepared for the pure idiocy and galactic mayhem that
was about to unfold. We simply wanted to help people still tethered to reality
to avoid the ravages, indignities and insidious fascism of the impending Trump Regime. We had no idea
how absolutely unprecedented and disastrous Der Furor would be. No one could
have anticipated how high the demand would be, and we sold out in minutes. Add
to all of Trump’s
epoxy-“haired” lunacy Senate majority zombie Mitch McConnell’s super-secret
assault on health care in America, and no matter how much RENT-A-COMA we produce, the demand
will surely outpace the supply at least as long as Clear-And-Present-Danger J.
Trump continues to draw breath. So act now, or forever wake up screaming in the
middle of the night, either at the thought of another Trump administration, or
the actuality of one. With RENT-A-COMA you won’t even know what hit you. And you won’t want to.
Ask your doctor or Magic 8 Ball if RENT-A-COMA is right for you, or just go get some. It’s all good. If you have a
pulse and an IQ, you probably need RENT-A-COMA. And
no prescription is necessary, just a credit card, or some form of electronic
transfer of funds (no bitcoin, whatever the fuck that is, accepted).
Call right now: 800-NOT-HERE
Operators are standing by…but not many because most of them have already taken
advantage of their perks – free samples of NEW IMPROVED Rent-A-Coma – and the rest of them are sure to follow.
I know I am.
_________________________________________________
*Or is it?
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