Post Pseudo-Apocalyptic Payback Playback

2012: Yours, Mine, Horrors 

The Land That The Mayans Forgot

December 30, 2012 

I used to respect the Mayans right up until they didn't predict the end of the world on December 21, 2012. Although, I'm still willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe their 2012 and our 2012 just aren't the same 2012. Maybe they were actually predicting the end of Hostess Twinkies; if so they have regained my respect. In any event it appears we are all stuck here to stay for the moment. Time marches on. The next page of history awaits. 

Those who do not repeat history are doomed to rewrite it…or something like that. Personally, I've just spent another year up to my eyeballs in muck just so you, the listener, can sit back in your comfy chairs while I spoon-feed the unvarnished truth opinions you have come to expect from your humble reporter, I. Mangrey. It being time for my New Year's Retributions, I give you The Last Year…Ever in review rebuke…

            January 6, 2012

Carpe Dumbass!

Act Now, Awful Ends At Midnight 

He’s frothy, he’s fecal, he’s Pennsylvania’s own…Rick “Please Don’t Google Me” Santorum.  Start fearing/despising/mocking him right away, he’ll be the Next Big Loser and should be crawling back under his rock any minute now.  And hopefully it will be safe to turn on your TV again – unless you watch Fux News where he will probably get a primetime slot.  If you blink you may miss him flushing himself down the 2012 political toilet faster than you can say Man-on-Dog.

 

          February 3, 2012

No Mitts, No Runs, All Errors

It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.  You’re not paranoid if they really are out to get you.  And I’m not being cynical, writing the kinds of things I write, given the current state of affairs. 

We’ve witnessed the collapse of all the other cartoonish hot-air balloons like Trump, Bachmann, Perry and Cain and must continue to pretend that along with Frothy Rick “The Jesus Candidate” Santorum and Ron “The Ayn Rand Candidate” Paul they are actually candidates.  And despite the promised continuance of disgraced ex-Speaker of The House Newton Leroy Gingrich’s apoplectic, make-believe run for the Republican’t presidential nomination, the fat lady (if not the fat disgraced ex-Speaker) has sung.   Luckily she sings better (as do most deaf people) than the victor her singing heralds – one Willard Mitt Romney. 

If we were smart we’d start worrying a lot less about Global Warming and a lot more about Global Dumbing. 

          February 11, 2012

Hide Your Dogs, The Santorum Is Rising 

As the ultra-unelectable Rick “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Googled” Santorum, with the help of his lone campaign donor, billionaire Foster Friess, floats to the top of the Republican’t presidential field like an un-weighted corpse in 1970s Lake Erie, the largest conservative gathering of the year –the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) – is taking place in Washington, DC.  I can’t believe you’re sitting around reading this instead of attending this once-in-a-laugh-time event.  CPAC of course banned gay representation but invited white supremacist groups. 

Speaking to the barely sentient crowd at CPAC ex-candidate Michelle Bachmann blathered, “Running for president of the United States is really one series of humiliations after another.”  To which I can only reply – How do you think WE feel? 

          March 27, 2012

Profiles In Carnage 

Dick Cheney, who recently cancelled a trip to our northern neighbor saying Canada was too dangerous, is now recovering after receiving a heart transplant.  First there’s the matter of The Second Butcher of Baghdad saying that Canada’s dangerous.  Canada?  I can’t even remember the last time Canada shot someone in the face.  I’m pretty sure that Canada thinks Cheney is too dangerous so I doubt they have any regrets that the Most Dangerous Man of The 2000s cancelled his planned invasion. 

They say Cheney had an untold number of heart attacks starting at age 37.  If it is indeed true that he had a heart, it would seem that that heart knew early on that Cheney should be stopped before doing any real damage.  The presence of a heart in that, by-all-appearances-human form, does stretch the imagination, but I suppose the possibility exists despite the inability of his current surgeons to detect one.  Maybe since this new heart doesn’t know Cheney personally it won’t start attacking him immediately.  Perhaps since The Dark Shadow is - as far as we can tell - retired, this poor hijacked heart will allow him to live out the rest of his nights. 

            Friday, April 13, 2012

Give Me Parole Or Give Me Death

In a stunning turn of events, famed lunatic and cult leader Charles Manson was denied parole again…for the twelfth time.  This is a major blow to the Republican’t party who was hoping that Mr. Manson would finally be freed from prison and able to jump into the 2012 primary race.  Frank Luntz and his lecherous lynchers of language have been hard at work re-branding Manson in anticipation of getting him sprung in time to save their nominating process before the general election in November.  Apparently the GOP is uncomfortable having a presidential candidate running from behind prison walls.  Who knew? 

In other news, from the Bureau of Making Shit Up:  Alan West (R-Looney Bin) “I believe there’s 78 to 81 members of the Democrat party that are members of the Communist Party.”  After letting fly with this insane crap, the mentally unstable Rep. West stood there doing his best impression of Clarence Thomas during oral arguments over the past five years; that is, staring off into space without saying a word, somehow managing to remain upright while simultaneously unconscious.  Meanwhile the crowd he had just verbally assailed murmured in utter disbelief…or stupidity.  Apparently, after a half minute or so he was able to re-engage the tiny bit of fleshy material between his ears long enough to continue, “No, they actually don’t hide it.  It’s called the congressional progressive caucus.”  Many Repubs have recently floated West as a running mate for Manson Romney.  No, seriously.

            April 27, 2012

Is Our Ex-“presidents” Learning?

         Never Forget

George W. Bush came out of hiding for some unknown reason to throw his tongue into the ring as the 2012 Republican’t primary disintegrates at long last into the unavoidable Romney nomination.  The Toxic Appointee who has been persona non grata during the first year of the Republican’t primary poked his way back into the public eye – the public eye he so thoroughly blackened for eight years.  His bungled presidency, after being appointed by the radical activist Supreme Court, has left us on the brink of countless disasters.  You name it he fucked it up royally.

Yes the economy under Obama is in the toilet, but he started out with the worst economic scenario of any president in modern history.  Unlike Bush who started out with the best economic scenario a president could hope for and wasted no time treating it like it was his own liver.  Think of Obama’s mission as akin to being made captain of the Titanic minutes after it hit the iceberg.  Okay son, it’s all yours take her back into port.  I’m going below for a nap.  Oh yeah, and the crew hates your guts, but not because you’re black…we swear.

In other news, from the Bureau of AYFKM: In 2010, when Obama first tried to modestly raise taxes on the richest Americans, Steven Schwartzman who runs the world’s largest private equity fund – buyout giant, The Blackstone Group – compared the president’s attempt to level the playing field to…wait for it: "It's a war.  It's like when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939."  Last year Schwartzman took home over $123M in pay and dividends, 30% more than in 2010.  I assume that Schwartzman is Jewish.  Maybe Jews should consider learning how to do excommunications.  Or maybe a cage match between Schwartzman and Mel Gibson.

            May 19, 2012

Romney-o, Romney-o, Who Both Art Thou Romney-o?

The Mitt Personality of Splitt Romney

Obama and his Democrats are relentless in their efforts to distract Americans from the big issues like the ability to shoot anyone you find threatening (or just overly dark), keeping IQ scores down and birth certificates.  Yes birth certificates.  This is why Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett is threatening to keep the current president of the United States off the Arizona ballot in November.  Everybody knows it’s standard procedure to vet duly-elected black presidents before allowing them to run for office.  Damned, stubborn Democrats refuse to acknowledge that facts are no better than made-up-shit. 

Tune in next time when Romney takes both sides on the issue of flip-flopping on the issues and picks his two running mates.

            May 24, 2012

Saint Ronny And The Big Dick

Saint Ronald of Reagan, patron saint of Republican’ts everywhere has a shiny image his followers love to caress…as often as possible…in public.  Blindly faithful disciples of Saint Ronald pretend he was what they need and want him to be.  They pretend he never raised taxes, which he in fact did, eleven times, including one of the largest tax increases in American history.  They pretend that he was pure and, with the exception of his two marriages and that chimp, chaste. 

 

Cheney pretending to need a wheelchair to

avoid standing for the inauguration

of America's first black president

I wonder when the Republican’ts will officially canonize the Big Dick.  The process has already begun.  Multi-millionaire and fellow chicken hawk Willard Romney, who received four deferments from the Vietnam War he protested in favor of, recently asked about choosing a running mate said of Cheney, “I listened to him speak and said whether you agree or disagree with him, this is a man of wisdom and judgment, and he could have been president of the United States. That's the kind of person I’d like to have - a person of wisdom and judgment."  Maybe he should ask Cheney to help him find that running mate or to shoot an opponent in the face.  Or at the very least baptize Cheney as a Mor(m)on after he dies.

            June 13, 2012

Gutting Out The Vote

Kill The American Dream Before It Dies

Republican'ts continue their relentless obsession with stifling the vote. Numerous Republican'ts have publicly proclaimed that they don’t want too many people voting. And who could blame them? CONservative icon Paul Weyrich, co-founder of conservative think-tank the Heritage Foundation who also helped to establish the Moral Majority spoke directly to this issue in the fall of 1980. While I can unfortunately understand the connection between voter suppression and our Heritage, I'm a little less clear about the Moral aspect.

Weyrich bemoaned the fact that “many of our Christians have what I call the ‘Goo-Goo Syndrome.’ Good government. They want everybody to vote. I don’t want everybody to vote…As a matter of fact our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.” At least Mr. Weyrich had the courage, if not the good taste to speak his incredibly un-democratic mind in public. Today, his successors couch their language, hide their contempt for just about everyone and pretend to be looking out for Democracy.

It Can't Happen Here
There have been at least 180 vote-restricting bills introduced in 41 states since January 2011. Fourteen states have already passed laws making voting more difficult. Those 14 states represent almost 70% of the electoral votes needed to "win" the presidency. Naturally these laws were proposed by Republican'ts, passed by Republican't controlled state legislatures and signed into law by Republican't governors. Nobody could have anticipated this kind of thing happening in Nixonland.

            June 30, 2012

F*&%ed And Furious

It Was The Best Of Lies. It Was The Worst Of Lies.

Meanwhile back in the Main Tent, the Tea Party-paralyzed Congress decided to hold the Attorney General in contempt of Congress for a program  -  Fast And Furious, which their own illegally appointed president began, and which the current administration shut down.  It turns out that the crime they accused Holder of overseeing never even happened.  One whistleblower who exposed the alleged gun-walking scheme was likely the only one who, against orders, allowed untraceable guns to get into the hands of Mexican drug cartels.  The desperate and certifiably insane Republican’ts, never ones to allow the facts to interfere with their witch hunts and yearning for absolute power, just won’t let go.  Now they say they’re upset because the Obama administration was withholding important documents.  Anyone remember Dick Cheney’s energy taskforce?  The one where he shut out environmental groups from discussions about energy policy then refused to hand over any information about his secret meetings?  These assholes are so pathetic they make me want to vote for Obama.

For those of you with nothing better to do,  tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of my forced fond look back on 2012, The Last Year Ever.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible (or any) comment invited.