Four Easy Pieces

Short (on brains) Stories For The Soul

At The Circus

October 11, 2014

Smarter Than The Average Duck?

Duck Duck Bull Goose

Vigorously vying for the title of Bull Goose Loony, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson once again put his dick foot in his mouth. The mighty duck hunter blamed "orthodox liberal opinion" for the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and insisted that "biblically correct sex" can't spread those infections in a sermon last month. And just what is this biblically correct sex of which America’s version of a Shia’a cleric spake? That would be one-man-one-woman, period. Save yourself for marriage, have intercourse with one person for the sole purpose of reproducing yourself and then walk off into the sunset. Who could ask for more?

Dummy Get Yer Gun

 

Hand over your gun doofus!

A Second Amendment aficionado took his brand new sidearm out for its very first open-carry leisurely stroll when trouble reared its ugly head. In short order he was relieved of his new pacifier by a fast-talking fellow firearm fetishist. The proud new fondler told investigators that another man approached him and his friend on their walk and asked for a cigarette. Apparently the group's conversation eventually turned to the victim's new gun. The man who asked for a cigarette allegedly pulled his own firearm from his waistband and said "I like your gun, give it to me." Miss Manners would surely approve of his politeness. Oregon’s KPTV reported that the man fled after the victim handed over his Precious.

I’m worried that once people are simply free to be openly carrying it’s only a matter of time before the Supreme Court will have to decide how long a man or woman and their gun have to be seeing each other before they can legally wed. Why can’t they just stay in the gun locker where they belong? It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and .357.

 

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not…Guess I’ll Shoot Her

 

In more excellent Second Amendment action, a clearly lonely man just couldn’t take no for an answer while pursuing a woman at a family event following a funeral. A scuffle broke out between the man and his target’s fiancé when his final attempt fell short. In the all-too-common standard operating procedure of gun nuts everywhere, the unsuccessful Romeo suddenly began to open fire. He managed to shoot the object of his afflictions as she ran away, then shot her twice in the head before turning his unwanted attention to her family members, injuring five more people before being arrested during his escape. I hope he finds it easier to get dates in his new home.

 

Those Pesky Voters

 

Governor Scott Walker, barely able

to keep his eyes or mind open

Full-time Ambien user and Wisconsin governor Scott Walker took a stand for the voter restriction law recently found unconstitutional by the Supreme Court – no great protector of voting rights lately. Only three of the court's nine justices - Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas - dissented. Nice guys. When asked at a town hall how many fraudulent votes had been cast in Wisconsin, Walker dodged the question saying, in his best Sarah Palin English “I don’t matter (sic) if there’s one, a hundred or a thousand. I asked amongst us who would be that one person we’d like to have our vote cancelled out by a vote that was cast illegally?” I guess that means zero. The court said the law violated the civil rights of black voters. A similar law in Texas was simultaneously struck down because it "creates an unconstitutional burden on the right to vote, has an impermissible discriminatory effect against Hispanics and African-Americans, and was imposed with an unconstitutional discriminatory purpose."

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for dropping by. Hands up, don’t shoot.