And They're Off...Really Off, Part Two

The 2016 Republican’t Whores Race, Part Two

Land of a Thousand Dunces

February 7, 2015

It’s time to pick up where we laughed off. I hope you are all feeling refreshed enough to have a go at Part Two of our (thankfully only) two-part series on the Republican’t presidential Field of Screams. Without any further ado about nothing…

Rev. Mike “God, Guns, Grits, Gravy, Golly Gee” Huckabee

Huckabee dissed the Obamas for letting their kids listen to Beyonce’s

revolting lyrics, but happily joins psycho-perv Ted Nugent singing

about having sex with anything that moves.

The not-quite-right reverend Mike Huckabee spoke about making laws this way, “If you’re gonna have some sausage, you gotta kill some pigs. And folks, there’s a lot of people in America who want the sausage, they just don’t want to kill any pigs. We need to do some pig killin’…to get to the sausage.” Clear enough for ya? He sure is fucksy folksy.

Gov. Rick “I Can See Myself In The Mirror” Perry

Perry trying to keep air from blowing in one ear and out the other

while singing, “You Are The Wind Between My Ears.”

Rick Perry keeps on his Clark Can’t glasses but can’t keep his mouth shut, thereby seriously jeopardizing his chances of advancing. That, and people now know who he is. Don’t judge a book by its cover, especially if you’ve already read the book and then they changed the cover.

Bankruptcy Expert, Donald “One Man, One Hair” Trump

Trump: as usual, mouth agape, brain disengaged

Donald Trump continues to be Donald Trump - a devastating disadvantage. The personification of the Mose Allison song, “Your Mind is On Vacation, But Your Mouth is Working Overtime.”

The Queen of Tea

She’s a little Tea Pot. And a little potted.

Sarah Palin, who is wont to make fun of those whose talking takes place with teleprompters and their use of it, found herself teleprompter-less and therefore having to make words of which to speak from her heart or god or too much booze, or however she makes the talking go, dazzled the already dazed crowd with this: "Things must change for our government. Look at it. It isn’t too big to fail. It’s too big to succeed! It's too big to succeed, so we can afford no retreads or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo. Another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, ‘Man, the middle-class everyday Americans are really gettin’ taken for a ride.’ That's status quo, and GOP leaders, by the way - y'know the man can only ride ya when your back is bent. So strengthen it. Then the man can't ride ya, America won't be taken for a ride, because so much is at stake and we can't afford politicians playing games like nothing more is at stake than, oh, maybe just the next standing of theirs in the next election."* Wow, we haven’t been privy to such oratory magnificence since George W. Bush’s famous “Fool-me-once” speech. 

George W. Bush fools himself

And speaking of fools, rock and roll reject, Ted Nugent said of Palin, “She is my hero. Sarah Palin is the perfect example of what our Founding Fathers envisioned for an experiment in self-government.” Interesting since neither of these self-promoting cretins has the vaguest notion of what our Founding Fathers envisioned and neither has any experience with self-reflection, let alone self-government.

Nugent and Palin (armed) shown here with their hostages/spouses

But wait, there’s more. The ex-half-term Alaskan governor and full-time random word slinger added, “Racism. Sexism. Whatever. Really it’s,  it’s kind of Orwellian observing how that works that rule of...Saul Alinsky’s no doubt that the Left employs, disgusting charges from the Left that reverse ‘em you know for it is they who point a finger not realizing they have triple that amount of fingers pointin’ right back at ‘em.”* Couldn’t have said it any stranger myself. Admittedly these quotes were taken out of context during a 40 minute flood of syllables. I challenge anyone to create a context within which any of this frightening splatter of words makes sense. Palin arranges words like Jackson Pollack arranged paint, though to much poorer effect.

Jackson Pollock famously and successfully flung paint onto canvas in what might be called

precise randomness. Palin while similarly random is infinitely less precise and an abject failure.

Oh, and did I mention Chris Christie, Scott Walker and Ted Cruz were there? No, I did not. 

“I love you Chris.”

“I will literally eat you for breakfast Scott.”

We have recently learned that another potential contender, Jeb Bush was fond of marijuana and hashish as a young lad. No word on whether he also shared his older brother’s fondness for cocaine. Ted Cruz has also owned up to dabbling in the evil weed. Marijuana would not admit to having ever been involved with Ted Cruz.

The good news for Republican’ts is they really only need two votes to get the nomination and very possibly the White House. Those two votes belong to David and Charles Koch who are promising to infuse just shy of one billion dollars into the 2016 election cycle. 

 

Breaking Noose

Jolly Old England

February 13, 2015

Republican’t front-runner-du-jour, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, visiting England in an attempt to show he is bona fide president material, was asked by a British moderator if he believes in evolution. In a deep, calmly assured voice Walker responded, "(laughing) For me, I'm going to punt on that one as well. That's a question a politician shouldn't be involved in one way or the other. So I'm gonna leave that up to you." Apparently this was not Walker’s first punt of the interview. Presumably he was also asked if he was a moron. Be very afraid America - this guy’s about as presidential as George W. Bush.

Walker can’t even blame Lucy for pulling the ball away - he was punting.

I. Mangrey reporting. All politics is loco.

Consider yourselves warned more thoroughly.

* I promise this is an actual quote.