Still Evolving

The History of Life on Earth

Where We Are Now

May 23, 2015

Many, if not most of you reading this are mammals as am I. A significant number of mammals (mostly outside the United States) acknowledge some level of confidence in Darwin’s theory of evolution. There’s much to be said for Darwin’s work, which Dan Bern - a mammal himself - described as a “pretty theory.”* Through extensive observation and field research Darwin conceived a scenario which ultimately explained how very simple organisms gradually changed over time eventually becoming much more complex creatures. I’m sure you are all familiar with this fascinating trajectory of life on Earth. So how exactly did we get from single-celled organism to complete bipedal, warm-blooded moron? Inquiring minds want to know. Well, probably not, but I feel compelled to explain it anyway.

First there was the light. We all know that. It was in all the papers. There is mounting evidence that something really big went BANG. Then there was stuff. Mostly hydrogen and helium I’m told. Eventually oxygen, nitrogen and carbon and stuff like that. Then the stuff began to become organized, whether via the Supreme Being of your choice or the self-organizing nature of the universe, or both. Who cares really? Either way it’s just incredible that it has come to this, that is, stuff like us. 

Once the stuff started to arrange itself into meaningful configurations, strange things started happening. Suddenly there were simple plant-like thingies, then more complex ones. Eventually, after a billion or so years, or one day, depending on the version you prefer, very simple creatures capable of self-generated movement began to emerge from the swamps and otherwise moist places on our little rock in the sky.

The Tree of Life

Bacteria, amoebas, algae, trilobites, dinosaurs, cave men, fire, gods, barbarians, science, Isaac Newton, Indians, cowboys, Freed Men, Nazis, Albert Einstein, atomic weapons/nuclear reactors, beatniks, mad men, Nixon, liberated women, oil spills, Chernobyl, climate change deniers – a sub-species of unassailable idiots…you know, Morons. It’s a pretty straight forward progression if you just do the math. Of course math reeks of science and science can’t prove the existence of god and so most lovers of god can’t prove or imagine the existence of science and The Stupid overpowers much of humankind.

Side note: Humans like to think that we are the ultimate lifeform on Earth. Think again. Bacteria were here long before us. They can survive in every type of environment. In fact, most other life forms are dependent on bacteria for their very survival. And that includes humans. We would not last a day without bacteria to digest our food. The truth is that we are only here because bacteria always wanted to drive around in fancy, fast cars. And don’t even get me started on Tardigrades…too late - tardigrades exist throughout the known universe. They can survive for decades without food or water, even out in space. That’s right out in space. Let’s see you try that.

The mighty microscopic Tardigrade

We had the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the Industrial Revolution, the Nuclear Age, the Computer Age. Now crack open a cold one, it’s Moron Time.

Back in the day, before any of these Ages, a few monkeys stood erect, ate some strange mushrooms and began thinking thoughts the likes of which had never been thought before. Or something like that. There may have been other mitigating factors involved.* Over millions of years (or a few minutes, again, depending on the version you prefer) they became us and we developed pre-verbal language, the spoken word, the printed word, the electronic word and who knows what is coming next. 

Dan Bern: No Missing Link (contains a bad word)

Physical aspects of the world have surely evolved, if nothing else, in complexity and diversity. Psychological aspects of humankind have yet to actually prove themselves evolved. Clearly some of our species are very intelligent and dedicated to making us all smarter. We continue, as a species, to learn more and more about how stuff works, while at the same time increasing numbers of us insist on ignoring what is known in favor of what is believed. Therefore, as our numbers increase without rhyme, reason or any sign of slowing down, our collective intelligence is clearly on the decline. The fear and/or distain for science easily outpaces the quest for knowledge, and because of the sheer numbers, there is no way for The Science to overcome The Stupid. It is a battle for the soul, perhaps the very existence of humankind and The Science is losing. There is simply no way for information and knowledge to overcome blind faith and self-imposed ignorance. Or so it seems. Only time will tell. That is if you believe in time, which after all is born of science.

And that, my friends, is how we now find ourselves pining for the days of single-celled organisms, and on the precipice of the 2016 Republican’t presidential primary season in which even the brain surgeon among them opposes the current overwhelming science on climate change. Cruz, Paul, Rubio, Bush, Walker, Huckabee, Jindal, Perry, Graham, Christie, Carson, Fiorina, Trump, Santorum, a half-empty (or full) can of Cheez Whiz, and the people poised to vote for them. Morons as far as the eye can see. Or Hillary Clinton. Perhaps less of a moron, but with considerable issues of her own, causing many poised to vote for her to feel a bit moronic themselves. 

EVOLUTION ACCOMPLISHED.

I. Mangrey and Allison Wunderland reporting.

Do the math.