Friday, June 5, 2015

Send In More Clowns

Republican’t Candidates Still Waiting To Jump Into The Kiddie Pool

Nowhere
June 5, 2015

There are so many Republican’ts already running or threatening to run for president in 2016, that it’s almost impossible to keep track. So far it’s all been fairly predictable - all white male politicians except for failed corporate exec Carly Fiorina and reality-challenged ex-neurosurgeon Ben Carson - both representing the longest of shots. The rapidly-approaching-infinite number of Republican’t candidates has forced the GOP to consider holding group debates, which they insist will be separate but equal. Despite this overwhelming infestation there are still a plenty of luminaries dim bulbs waiting to be screwed in and really light the place up. Here is my short list of long shot Republiclowns I think would make this race even more enjoyable.

                                                                              Credit: DonkeyHotey
Sure it’s a small car, but these are very small people

Ann Coulter – The Mouth that Whored. Ann is on a crusade against immigrants entering America. No, she is not Native American, just a shrill jerk who hates most people. Coulter, who weighs about 18 pounds soaking wet (and she is always all wet) recently said, “When I’m in charge of immigration (after our 10 year moratorium), I will not admit overweight girls.” This brilliant humanitarian statement was made soon after Ann bravely pretended she had a bad cold in order to avoid the hug offered by an undocumented immigrant/advocate who wanted to bury the hatchet “as a sign of my humanity and yours.” Obviously this poor fellow had never heard Coulter open her voice-hole before.
Campaign slogan: I hate YOU. Vote for ME.

Ted Nugent – The Motor City Madman. When Ted’s not busy threatening to shoot Hillary Clinton, he likes to shoot his mouth off threatening anyone who disagrees with his violent faux patriotism. Loyal to guns and ammo above all else, Ted pledges allegiance to the Second Amendment; to him the rest is just window dressing.
Campaign slogan: One Gun, One Vote.

Chuck Norris – Whacko, Texas Ranger. He will kick you in the head as soon as he gets his foot out of his mouth. Chuck thinks he’s as cool and righteous as the characters he portrayed in his younger days.
Campaign slogan: Don’t Trust the Government, Vote for Me.

Jim Bob Duggar – Father of 19 Kids and Counting. Soon-to-be-ex reality TV star, unstoppable sperm hose and family values paragon who hid his son’s sordid past (he molested five young girls, including four of his sisters, as a teen). I can’t wait to hear Jim Bob say, “I’m not just in this to kiss the babies, like my son.”
Campaign slogan: God Loves a Hypocrite Who Says He Loves God. That’s Me!

Rush Limballoon - The Badyear Blimp. His radio career almost at an end, he will need a new source of income to support his Viagra and Oxycontin habits. Just ask Newt Gingrich, running for president is a great way to pad the old bank account.
Campaign slogan: Burrrrrrrrrrp. 2016

Bob McDonnell - Gov Means Never Having to Say You're Guilty. Philadelphia native and former Virginia governor, McDonnell was a really early favorite for 2016. Early as in around 2013. After that, things got a little messy. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to let a little thing like a conviction and two-year sentence for public corruption stop me from adding a guy with such great hair to this list. What did he really do wrong anyway? Take $165,000 in loans and extravagant gifts in exchange for using his position to help push his benefactor’s tobacco-based nutritional supplement? That’s right, a tobacco-based nutritional supplement. I feel healthier just thinking about it. Is using your power as an elected official going to bat for a rich guy who lets you borrow his Ferrari really such a bad thing? Who cares, you might say, Rick Perry (who also has great hair...and glasses) is under indictment in Texas for abusing the power of his office and he’s in the race; though it remains to be seen if he can remember why. Others might feel that there’s a difference between indictment and conviction. Picky, picky, picky. Those people are clearly not Republican’ts.
Campaign slogan: Surely They Can’t Keep Me In Jail If You Elect Me President

Sarah Palin - Ex Half-Term Quitter. Just why the hell not. It’s not like she has anything better to do. And come on, admit it, you miss that whiny voice and tortured English. Besides, even if she gets elected, she’ll only stay on the job for a year or two. How bad could it be?
Campaign slogan: PALIN 2017

You Know My Name, Look Up The Number

John Ellis “Jeb” Bush - The Other White Meat. Jeb thinks his brother, who allowed 9/11 to happen (though incessantly warned it was about to happen) while he was president before invading Iraq for no good reason thereby blowing up the entire region is a good advisor on foreign policy. Jeb, is still busy gaming the post Citizens United system, so he won’t be announcing his failed candidacy just yet, though he's been campaigning for months.
Campaign slogan: Bush 45: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Wait, There’s Moron

And of course we’re still waiting patiently for Koch Brothers’ lap dog Scott Walker’s brain to make its first appearance…anywhere. Here’s just the most recent taste of Gov. Walker’s brilliant repartee: When asked about pregnancies caused by rape and incest Walker said, “I mean, I think for most people who are concerned about that, it’s in the initial months where they’re most concerned about it.”

Walker working on his presidential look

I. Mangrey reporting. You decide.

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