Nowhere
June 5, 2015
There are so many
Republican’ts already running or threatening to run for president in 2016, that
it’s almost impossible to keep track. So far it’s all been fairly predictable -
all white male politicians except for failed corporate exec Carly Fiorina and
reality-challenged ex-neurosurgeon Ben Carson - both representing the longest
of shots. The rapidly-approaching-infinite number of Republican’t candidates
has forced the GOP to consider holding group debates, which they insist will be separate but
equal. Despite this overwhelming infestation there are still a plenty of luminaries
dim bulbs waiting to be screwed in and really light the place up. Here is my
short list of long shot Republiclowns I think would make this race even more
enjoyable.
Sure it’s a small car, but these
are very small people
Ann Coulter – The Mouth
that Whored. Ann is on a crusade against immigrants entering America. No, she is
not Native American, just a shrill jerk who hates most people. Coulter, who
weighs about 18 pounds soaking wet (and she is always all wet) recently said,
“When I’m in charge of immigration (after our 10 year moratorium), I will not
admit overweight girls.” This brilliant humanitarian statement was made soon
after Ann bravely pretended she had a bad cold in order to avoid the hug
offered by an undocumented immigrant/advocate who wanted to bury the hatchet
“as a sign of my humanity and yours.” Obviously this poor fellow had never
heard Coulter open her voice-hole before.
Campaign slogan: I hate
YOU. Vote for ME.
Ted Nugent – The Motor
City Madman. When Ted’s not busy threatening to shoot Hillary Clinton, he likes
to shoot his mouth off threatening anyone who disagrees with his violent faux
patriotism. Loyal to guns and ammo above all else, Ted pledges allegiance to
the Second Amendment; to him the rest is just window dressing.
Campaign slogan: One Gun,
One Vote.
Chuck Norris – Whacko,
Texas Ranger. He will kick you in the head as soon as he gets his foot out of
his mouth. Chuck thinks he’s as cool and righteous as the characters he
portrayed in his younger days.
Campaign slogan: Don’t
Trust the Government, Vote for Me.
Jim Bob Duggar – Father
of 19 Kids and Counting. Soon-to-be-ex reality TV star, unstoppable sperm hose and
family values paragon who hid his son’s sordid past (he molested five young
girls, including four of his sisters, as a teen). I can’t wait to hear Jim Bob
say, “I’m not just in this to kiss the babies, like my son.”
Campaign slogan: God Loves
a Hypocrite Who Says He Loves God. That’s Me!
Rush Limballoon - The
Badyear Blimp. His radio career almost at an end, he will need a new source of
income to support his Viagra and Oxycontin habits. Just ask Newt Gingrich,
running for president is a great way to pad the old bank account.
Campaign slogan:
Burrrrrrrrrrp. 2016
Bob McDonnell - Gov Means
Never Having to Say You're Guilty. Philadelphia native and former Virginia
governor, McDonnell was a really early favorite for 2016. Early as in around
2013. After that, things got a little messy. I don’t know about you, but I’m
not going to let a little thing like a conviction and two-year sentence for
public corruption stop me from adding a guy with such great hair to this list.
What did he really do wrong anyway? Take $165,000 in loans and extravagant gifts
in exchange for using his position to help push his benefactor’s tobacco-based
nutritional supplement? That’s right, a tobacco-based nutritional supplement. I
feel healthier just thinking about it. Is using your power as an elected
official going to bat for a rich guy who lets you borrow his Ferrari really
such a bad thing? Who cares, you might say, Rick Perry (who also has great
hair...and glasses) is under indictment in Texas for abusing the power of his
office and he’s in the race; though it remains to be seen if he can remember
why. Others might feel that there’s a difference between indictment and
conviction. Picky, picky, picky. Those people are clearly not Republican’ts.
Campaign slogan: Surely
They Can’t Keep Me In Jail If You Elect Me President
Sarah Palin - Ex
Half-Term Quitter. Just why the hell not. It’s not like she has anything better
to do. And come on, admit it, you miss that whiny voice and tortured English.
Besides, even if she gets elected, she’ll only stay on the job for a year or
two. How bad could it be?
Campaign slogan: PALIN 2017
You Know My Name, Look Up The Number
John Ellis “Jeb” Bush -
The Other White Meat. Jeb thinks his brother, who allowed 9/11 to happen (though incessantly warned it was about to happen) while
he was president before
invading Iraq for no good reason thereby blowing up the entire region is a good
advisor on foreign policy. Jeb, is
still busy gaming the post Citizens United system, so he won’t be announcing
his failed candidacy just yet, though he's been campaigning for months.
Campaign slogan: Bush 45: MISSION
ACCOMPLISHED
Wait, There’s Moron
And of course we’re still waiting patiently for Koch Brothers’ lap dog Scott Walker’s brain to make its first appearance…anywhere. Here’s just the most recent taste of Gov. Walker’s brilliant repartee: When asked about pregnancies caused by rape and incest Walker said, “I mean, I think for most people who are concerned about that, it’s in the initial months where they’re most concerned about it.”
Walker working on his presidential
look
I. Mangrey reporting. You
decide.
Oy.
ReplyDeleteVote Bernie!