Junior Eschews
Bushiness
Miami, Florida
June 19, 2015
J.E.B. finally, officially, inevitably (and less
accidentally than the last few times) announced what everyone (especially his
super PACs) already knew: It’s time for a third Bush in the White House. It
took him a while to figure out how to properly package himself. His marketing
team recognized the most virulent toxin threatening J.E.B.’s campaign for
president. Superman has his Kryptonite. Napoleon had his Waterloo. Achilles had
his heel. J.E.B. has the surname “Bush.” While Hillary Clinton is happy to ride
the coattails of one of America’s most beloved ex-presidents – her philandering
husband, Bill. J.E.B. on the other hand is inextricably hog-tied to his family
name. Even worse than that, he shares an almost incalculable amount of genetic
material with his not-nearly-so-beloved ex-president brother – famous pretzel
wrestler and brush cutter George W.
J.E.B. announces his
presidential run.
Oh wait, my
bad...that’s the Hindenburg.
I
am not running to reinstate the dynasty named for my father’s family name. I am
not running in order to be the third president with the last name of my father
to invade Iraq.
Why
am I running? Now that’s a question well worth my consideration don’t you
think? That is a question I have thought about for a very long time and I can
tell you that I am on the verge of a very impressive answer.
Does anyone know if
this guy has a last name?
In other news of
people who’ve clearly spent too much time in the Sun...
Donald Trump,
serial bankruptee, noted hot air buffoonist and Guinness Book of Records entry for
most creative use of one single hair, also threw the hat that might otherwise
cover his empty head into the 2016 presidential ring. The Trumpster has been
threatening to actually run for president for 25 years. This time he really,
really means it. He held a big announcing event in one of his Towers. Word is
not yet in as to how many people he paid to attend his coming out party to
avoid facing the empty room he typically addresses. This time The Donald claims
to have a fool-proof secret plan to neutralize and/or defeat ISIS, which he
will only divulge after he is elected president. Now that’s what I call a real idiot
patriot. During his announcement Trump said, “Our country needs a truly great
leader, and we need a great leader now,” Trump said. “We also need a
cheerleader.” Maybe Trump couldn’t see or hear anything through his hair
between 2001 and 2008; we had a cheerleader in the White House – it was all
over the news. You might recall that our Cheerleader in Chief didn’t really do
such a great job. Trump rambled on for some 45 minutes, at some point he
trumpeted, “Ladies and gentlemen (stops to look down at notes) I am officially
running (stops to look down at notes again) for president of the United
States...”
Trump: “Sadly, the
American dream is dead.”
The same cannot be said
for whatever
that is dancing around
his head.
I will not bore
or injure you with any more of The Donald’s oratory prowess, but please allow
me to summarize: I am Donald Trump. I appear to be very wealthy at this moment,
having not filed for bankruptcy for well over three weeks. I am arrogant and
very rich. I have no actual concept about economics or foreign policy, but I do
know how to insult just about everyone I talk about. I will defeat Iran, Iraq,
Afghanistan, China, Japan, ISIS and Mexico. And I have the money to do it. I
have found an excellent way to manipulate the media and the public into giving
me and watching me make use of almost unlimited air time for the next few
months, after which I will officially and inevitably drop out of the race. And
also, “I’m really rich.”
And apparently...
Some guy named
Bernie is in the race too. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) is running as a Democrat as
opposed to the more conservative, corporate-backed Hillary Clinton who, thanks
to the burgeoning popularity of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, is
suddenly talking like a serious progressive. We’ll have to see where she goes
with it. Sanders is an unabashed Socialist, populist and excitable old Jewish
guy. But a real mensch. Obviously Bernie will not be seeing and money from the
billionaires lining up to purchase most of the other candidates. And Bernie is
not courting any of them, to put it mildly. Sanders’ campaign manager, noted
that the campaign is experiencing growing pains saying, “We started this
campaign a month ago,” he said. “This was not a situation where you had a
campaign-in-waiting that was hiding inside a super PAC or a nonprofit or a
think tank.” So that would be the exact opposite of old J.E.B. whose campaign
began off-the-books with super PACs months before the-man-preferring-not-to-be-seen-as-a-Bush
finally admitted he was running. GFY J.E.B.
Bernie Sanders says what he means and
is able to use complete sentences.
I. Mangrey
reporting.
I
am not running for president.
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