Friday, June 19, 2015

Congratulations, It’s a Bush


Junior Eschews Bushiness
 
Miami, Florida
June 19, 2015 

J.E.B. finally, officially, inevitably (and less accidentally than the last few times) announced what everyone (especially his super PACs) already knew: It’s time for a third Bush in the White House. It took him a while to figure out how to properly package himself. His marketing team recognized the most virulent toxin threatening J.E.B.’s campaign for president. Superman has his Kryptonite. Napoleon had his Waterloo. Achilles had his heel. J.E.B. has the surname “Bush.” While Hillary Clinton is happy to ride the coattails of one of America’s most beloved ex-presidents – her philandering husband, Bill. J.E.B. on the other hand is inextricably hog-tied to his family name. Even worse than that, he shares an almost incalculable amount of genetic material with his not-nearly-so-beloved ex-president brother – famous pretzel wrestler and brush cutter George W. 

J.E.B. announces his presidential run.
Oh wait, my bad...that’s the Hindenburg. 

I am not running to reinstate the dynasty named for my father’s family name. I am not running in order to be the third president with the last name of my father to invade Iraq.

Why am I running? Now that’s a question well worth my consideration don’t you think? That is a question I have thought about for a very long time and I can tell you that I am on the verge of a very impressive answer.

Does anyone know if this guy has a last name?

In other news of people who’ve clearly spent too much time in the Sun... 

Donald Trump, serial bankruptee, noted hot air buffoonist and Guinness Book of Records entry for most creative use of one single hair, also threw the hat that might otherwise cover his empty head into the 2016 presidential ring. The Trumpster has been threatening to actually run for president for 25 years. This time he really, really means it. He held a big announcing event in one of his Towers. Word is not yet in as to how many people he paid to attend his coming out party to avoid facing the empty room he typically addresses. This time The Donald claims to have a fool-proof secret plan to neutralize and/or defeat ISIS, which he will only divulge after he is elected president. Now that’s what I call a real idiot patriot. During his announcement Trump said, “Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a great leader now,” Trump said. “We also need a cheerleader.” Maybe Trump couldn’t see or hear anything through his hair between 2001 and 2008; we had a cheerleader in the White House – it was all over the news. You might recall that our Cheerleader in Chief didn’t really do such a great job. Trump rambled on for some 45 minutes, at some point he trumpeted, “Ladies and gentlemen (stops to look down at notes) I am officially running (stops to look down at notes again) for president of the United States...”
 
Trump: “Sadly, the American dream is dead.”
The same cannot be said for whatever
that is dancing around his head.

I will not bore or injure you with any more of The Donald’s oratory prowess, but please allow me to summarize: I am Donald Trump. I appear to be very wealthy at this moment, having not filed for bankruptcy for well over three weeks. I am arrogant and very rich. I have no actual concept about economics or foreign policy, but I do know how to insult just about everyone I talk about. I will defeat Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, China, Japan, ISIS and Mexico. And I have the money to do it. I have found an excellent way to manipulate the media and the public into giving me and watching me make use of almost unlimited air time for the next few months, after which I will officially and inevitably drop out of the race. And also, “I’m really rich.” 
 
And apparently... 

Some guy named Bernie is in the race too. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) is running as a Democrat as opposed to the more conservative, corporate-backed Hillary Clinton who, thanks to the burgeoning popularity of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, is suddenly talking like a serious progressive. We’ll have to see where she goes with it. Sanders is an unabashed Socialist, populist and excitable old Jewish guy. But a real mensch. Obviously Bernie will not be seeing and money from the billionaires lining up to purchase most of the other candidates. And Bernie is not courting any of them, to put it mildly. Sanders’ campaign manager, noted that the campaign is experiencing growing pains saying, “We started this campaign a month ago,” he said. “This was not a situation where you had a campaign-in-waiting that was hiding inside a super PAC or a nonprofit or a think tank.” So that would be the exact opposite of old J.E.B. whose campaign began off-the-books with super PACs months before the-man-preferring-not-to-be-seen-as-a-Bush finally admitted he was running. GFY J.E.B. 

Bernie Sanders says what he means and
is able to use complete sentences.
 

I. Mangrey reporting.
I am not running for president.

 

 

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