Taking Out the Chrash

On the Phony

May 9, 2016

Concerned citizens take their news tips to great reporters when they want secret information made available to the public. This does not happen here at Paying Attention. We have to get our scoops the old fashioned way – we read it somewhere else and change the wording to avoid plagiarism. Or we just make it up. With all this in mind here is the first and therefore final draft of Donald Chrump’s acceptance speech for the 2016 RNC in Cleveland. He doesn’t want this made public since he will be claiming it is off the cuff. As is his wont, Chrump will be phoning it in…

Can you fucking believe this? Is this great or what? How amazing am I? At least we know there aren’t thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets of New York today. Sorry I couldn’t be here in person, but I’m a very busy man. Very busy. And let’s face it – Cleveland? Really? Cleveland? Obviously you picked this place before you knew I was going to be the nominee. Anyway, no hard feelings. You couldn’t have known. I will not say that you are a bunch of low-energy losers. Anyway, you folks know what has to be done. Give me the votes and the nomination and I’ll do the rest. And it’ll be great.

First let me say what an honor it is for you to have me, Donald Chrump as your 2016 candidate. You must feel very lucky to have avoided the violence I would have inadvertently incited if I was not the nominee. But really it’s not that important to me, I’m just in this for my ego. I have a yuuuuuuuge ego. The biggest. But only because I am the best. But I already knew that. I’m not telling you anything I didn’t already know. But enough about you. I am not here to talk about you. I’m here to talk about me – Donald J. Chrump. I think my hair came out really good today. You know it’s not easy getting it right. There’s the shampooing, the rinsing, the repeating, the coloring, the sculpting, the spraying, more spraying and of course the bug repellant. I have a very hard life. Believe me. Very hard. That will not stop me from having the best hair of any president you’ve ever seen.

Big hair, small hands, tiny...whatever

I am very excited to announce my running mate tonight. While I was being treated so very unfairly during the primary campaign. And I was treated very unfairly as you know. I had a lot of time to think about who I would have with me on the ticket. I spoke to many very smart people, the smartest people, especially myself, so I could find the best person to be my running mate. You may remember that George W. Bush brought in Dick Cheney to be the guy to find his running mate and Cheney looked in the mirror and found the perfect guy. As it turns out I didn’t need Cheney’s help. I have my own mirror, actually thousands of them, and I admit I did follow Cheney’s lead when searching all over my many mirrors, of which I have thousands. I’m very rich. In keeping with my groundbreaking campaign I will not be tied to the old rules in my choice of my vice president either. After much brain-searching it was very clear to me that there is no one more qualified to be my running mate than Donald Chrump. I don’t need anyone else. I am all I need. And I will have the best people in the best cabinet ever. But if anyone decides to disagree with me? They’re fired! There are plenty of best-people-ever out there to take their place.

Nobody loves this country more than me. And nobody loves me more than this country. I am going to win this election so easily. I don’t think Hillary will even get any votes except from a few desperate women hoping to play the woman card. I will win so winningly you will be in shock. I know many of you didn’t realize how much you liked me until right now and I might not hold that against some of you who I think are good people. The rest of you might as well be Mexicans or Chinese the way you have been raping me all these months. I don’t need you losers, I can win without votes. I will beat Hillary so bad. So bad. Beat, beat, beat. I have never looked forward to beating a woman as much as I do right now. She won’t even know what hit her, but it will be me. Me.

I will not rule out using nuclear weapons to defeat Hillary Clinton. First of all, she is a woman so she cannot possibly be president. This country has never had a woman president and we’re not going to start on my watch. Of course no one has more respect for women than I do. No one. Believe me. Just ask the women. They all love me. Maybe the only ones who love me more than the women are the blacks. Let’s face it people, I’m handsome, I’m very rich and I win. Also I’m very smart. I have a very good brain and I have the best words. You can’t even believe how smart I am. You can’t believe it. I can’t even believe it myself. That’s how smart I am. Believe me.

 

Now that I am the nominee I will get the same national security briefing as the president gets so I will know so many secrets that there will be no turning back. My super high-level security briefings will let me know about everything that is going on all over the world. As opposed to my current state of free-form fabrication. Fortunately the world loves me. Once I know exactly how much crazy shit is going on out there, I can tell you there will be some changes around here. There will be a waterboarding park in the rose garden. Who the hell needs roses anyway? They’re for pussies. The Chrump White House will have one of the finest casinos in the world. I will be the most popular president in history.

 

In closing let me just say that I am ready to win and win big. Very big. Very. I will be the winningest winner in the history of winning. I am going to win so fast that you will know I won within ten minutes of the polls opening on that Wednesday in November. I will beat Hillary and then I will beat ISIS and then I will beat my wife…I mean tweet my fife. That’s how patriotic I am. Nobody respects women more than me. I have the balls to build the walls to make America great again. I am a smart businessman and I will fix the economy. Then I will show you Obama’s real birth certificate. Count on it. But I will never talk about my plans or policies, I will not show you my tax returns, but I will gladly show you my amazing pecker right here, right now. (It is presumed that here Mr. Chrump is planning to either display not his family wealth, but his family jewels for the convention to see, or since he may only be phoning in the audio he will be the only one getting a good look at them, which one assumes is how he spends most of his alone time...when he is not busy doing his hair.)

Oh, and once I am inaugurated there will be a nominal cover charge to remain in the country. This includes a free bottle of genuine Chrump/Flint water. And one free pull at a slot machine in any one of my fabulous casinos that hasn’t yet gone bankrupt.

Hot Air & Not Hair

For now I turn you over to my new press secretary Sean Hannity.

I. Mangrey scooping the poop. We live in Strangelove times.