Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Voting Whites Act

Next Stop, The Fourteenth Amendment

Whitewashington, DC
June 29, 2013
From the same corporate whores justices who brought you Citizens United Gone Wild, we now have the Voting Whites Act. On June 25, 2013 the 1965 Voting Rights Act was lynched by a bunch of white guys in robes. Of course this time the hoods are gone and the robes are black, but make no mistake, it’s still murder in the worst degree. Across America there was profuse sweating, hand-wringing and running to and fro as this momentous decision loomed on the horizon like the tornado over Dorothy’s Kansas. They said it couldn’t be done. They said it wouldn’t be done. They said it shouldn’t be done. Certainly on this last score they were right. On the other two however…no so much. We're not in Kansas anymore; we're not in Oz either - more like South Carolina in The Fifties…or last week.

Five white men (yes, I’m including Anti-affirmative-Action Figure Clarence “Harpo” Thomas) blithely threw aside decades, if not over a century of progress in providing equal rights to all American citizens no matter their religion, color or in recent moments, their sexual orientation. Yes, even if they be Clarence “I-Swear-It’s-Only-A-Very-Deep-Tan” Thomas. Five scared and hateful men...well, four actually - and the swing voter.
Nobody Could Have Anticipated…
A gaggle of southern states immediately, even before Clarence Thomas could ever so delicately pull Antonin Scalia’s zipper back to its fully upright and locked position, broke out the champagne and ready-made voter suppression laws, having waited for this moment with baited hoods and single-digit IQs for as long as anyone cares to remember. Since before their great grandfathers married their sisters - some traditions are hard to let go of.
According to an anonymous source, Scalia was overheard saying, “I think these n&%$$*#s have been unoppressed for long enough. They had their day in the sun. We let them vote and look where that got us. Now there’s one of them in the White House - it’s called the White house for a reason goddammit. My momma didn’t raise no fool. In fact my momma won’t even admit I’m her son…what the hell is that about. The bitch. Anyway I can’t wait to announce this decision. It will finally bring some justice around here. I say if we're going to let those people vote we should only count their vote as 3/5. After all I am an originalist.”
Scalia considers equal voting rights as racial entitlements. Chief Justice John Roberts has been whining about this dangerous assault on racial inequality since his younger days working for Reagan’s justice department. Bless their pointy little heads.
Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Arkansas, Virginia, South Carolina and North Carolina are all set to suppress non-Republican’t voters. These states were more ready than a sprinter in the blocks awaiting the starter’s pistol. At least the Supremes didn’t go after women’s rights this time around, they’re letting states like Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, North Carolina and Ohio destroy that for now. Hurray for states’ rights. Without it we risk liberty and justice for all anywhere within our national borders. I look forward to fighting that fight again.
We Can't Have Liberty And Justice For All…At The Same Time
I guess these Supremacist Court judges decided that it would be a good time to ratchet up the racial oppression again since they were reducing the legal interference to gay marriage. Either that or Kennedy is hiding something…in his closet. Or maybe they thought no one would notice the damage they did if they also did something nice. Actually, four of the same miscreants who voted against continuing to protect the voting rights of minorities also voted against the Defense of Morons Marriage Act (DOMA), with the fifth one - Kennedy - being the “swing vote.”  Hey Clarence, remember when it wasn't okay for a black man to marry a white woman? Or as you refer to them, the good old days.
The Court also shot down California's Prop 8, which banned same-sex marriage in the state. It seems John Roberts only voted in favor of stopping California’s Prop 8 to impress his gay cousin in California. In actuality they didn't rule on Prop 8, all the Supremacists did was hand it back to the appeals court instead of actually ruling on the case. If only they had been so deferential handling in Bush v. Gore. Scalia called the argument against DOMA “legalistic Argle-Bargle" adding, "We have no power under the Constitution to invalidate this democratically adopted legislation." This from the man who did just that with the heavily bipartisan Voting Rights Act only a day earlier. Scalia and Thomas should have to share a  single vote from now on.
Outside the Court of Last Resort the usual suspects weighed in. Mike Huckabee told America, or at least the five or six that watch his show, that "Jesus wept" over the DOMA decision. Yes the young Jewish man who spent most of his time with twelve other like-minded guys and the occasional hooker wept because gay marriage is legitimate in a country that didn't exist in his lifetime. If anything, they were likely tears of joy. Michelle Bachman let loose with, "Marriage was created by the hand of God. No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted…What the Court has done will undermine the best interest of children and the best interests of the United States." I assume she wasn’t talking about voting rights. Or her gay husband, not that there's anything wrong with that. Anti-liberty-libertarian and up-and-coming Republican't Bull Goose Loony Rand Paul added his two cents, "I think this is a conundrum…If we have no laws on this, people take it to one extension further. Does it have to be humans?" Now he has no cents left. And yes Senator Paul, it does have to be humans, but in the end that's a matter for you to make peace between you and your Dog. Remember, Leona Helmsley left her entire fortune to her dog, Trouble. What would people have said if she had tried to leave her estate to a same-sex human partner?

These biblical blowhards say it’s against God’s will for people of the same sex to make love with each other. I wonder if God would mind if these people would just go fuck themselves.
I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible voter suppression coming soon to a state near you.

 

 

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