Happy War On Christmas

You Can't Fool Me, There Is No Sanity Clause

Oh Little Town of Beelzebub

December 7, 2013

The second longest war in American history, outpaced only slightly by the war in Afghanistan, is the hallucinatory War on Christmas. Though the War on Christmas is completely non-existent, the War on the imaginary War On Christmas is all too real. The War on the War On Christmas is being fought for the hearts and minds of sociopaths who insist that everyone must agree with them or else, people who are absolutely apoplectic about the persecuted Christians whose very existence is threatened by secularism, gays and people saying Happy Holidays. Not to mention the renegade Pope.

Anti Christ Warriors For Christmas

Bill O’Reilly breathes fire every Christmas in his attempts to bully everyone into joining his imaginary confrontation. Rick “Please Don’t Google Me” Santorum resurfaced after his humiliating defeat at the hands of Mitt “47%” Romney who was in turn crushed by Barack Obama, with a movie whose protagonist is a candle. Santorum Claus must think he's on a roll, so what does he do? He denigrates the memory of the great Nelson Mandela before his body is even cold by comparing Mandela's struggle against Apartheid with the misogynist Republican't fight against affordable healthcare for all Americans. If you don't see the connection you can breathe a sigh of relief. 

Sarah Palin is exuding stupid from every pore, especially the large one beneath her nose. When asked if she could understand a non-Christian (like, I don't know Thomas Jefferson or someone like that) being uncomfortable with government-sponsored displays of a Christian nature, Sarah Claus replied "There are things that we can do about that to I guess lessen that offense in our personal lives." And what do the Palins do? They have a menorah sitting on their kitchen table throughout the month of December. Huh? Proving that even while acting well-intentioned – which I’m not necessarily buying – Sarah Palin is an idiot. Now Jews everywhere are sterilizing their menorahs and trying to exorcise images of the Palin family dancing around their menorah for a month.

Wisconsin governor and Koch Brothers' lap dog, Scott “War On Citizens of Wisconsin” Walker suggested that instead of buying enjoyable presents parents should consider buying their children “a gift that will keep on giving. This year, we are celebrating the Holiday Season with a Black Friday special that is better than any deal found in stores. Donate $5, $10 or $25 to help Governor Walker get reelected and save your children from a future of double-digit tax increases and billion dollar budget deficits.” The sonofabitch didn’t even have the common decency to call it the Christmas Season. Why does Scott Walker hate all Christians? Walker failed to mention that these “holiday” donations would also save children from a future of fair working conditions, a living wage, healthcare or health, fair elections, avoiding state-sponsored sexual abuse of pregnant women, a viable planet and other crappy stuff like that.

"You cannot serve both God and money." Matthew 6:24

"You cannot serve both Rush and Jesus." Mangrey 1:01

Meanwhile, radio whore host and Oxycontin and Viagra aficionado Rash Lummox (nobody carrying so much within his belt and so little within his skull can be called Rush) called Pope Francis a Marxist for speaking out for the poor and questioning the morality of capitalism. The Pope denounced trickle-down economics as unfair to the poor and called unfettered capitalism a new tyranny. He spoke out about the idolatry of money, extreme materialism and urged world leaders to fight poverty and inequality.

You know who else railed against income inequality and stood up for the least among us? That's right, Hitler…I mean Jesus.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for christening. Happy Holidays invited.