I. Mangrey about 2014

People To Watch (Because You’ll Have No Choice) In 2014

December 23, 2013

The news stops for no one. My venture into forecasting events having not panned out to the degree expected (I. Mangrey's 2013 Predictions), I've decided to be less prognosticatious this year, choosing only to lay a trail of breadbums to help you follow the political winds of 2014. The following is a list of people, etc. - in no particular order, from cream-of-the-crop to scum-of-the-Earth - that will very likely invade your awareness for some or all of 2014 whether you like it or not.

Mike Huckabee

Religious fanatic and make-believe nice guy who enjoys rewriting history and lying about everything he thinks you shouldn’t like. After a stint working for a televangelist Mike became a Pastor, then governor of Arkansas, and then failed presidential candidate. Now's he's a smiley-faced, hateful talking head on Fox who's getting ready to throw his hat into the ring again. Watch Pastor Mike and Rectal Rick Santorum battle it out for the ignorant bigot vote heading into 2016.

When Mike says "our" history he's not talking about anything you've ever read about.

Rick Perry

A new super hee-haw hero has appeared on the American horizon. By day a simpleminded politician - seemingly clueless, feckless and daffy. But when Clark Can’t hears a cry for hep he transforms into Stupidman and stumbles into action. Yes, King of The Hole, Rick Perry decided to get some costume glasses in the hopes that it would make people either think he was smart or that he was someone else. Or maybe he's finally realized he is and always has been just a prop comic. If only he could stop opening that hole under his nose, which so often leads to talking, which as anyone who watched the 2012 Republican't primary (or anything else involving Rick Perry) knows, leads to his utter humiliation and our collective entertainment.

Doesn't Rick Perry look smart in his new glasses? Ummmm, NO.

While planning his 2016 run for president, Rick is keepin' it real in Texas, which is home to 1 in 11 children in the United States living in poverty despite an improving state economy. There was a 47 percent increase in the rate of Texas children living in poverty from 2000 to 2011. Now that is just super…I mean stupid, man.

FSM

One of the fastest growing religions on the planet worships (actually, worship might not be the right word) as its deity the Flying Spaghetti Monster. According to FSM's spokesperson here on Earth, Bobby Henderson, "I don't have a problem with religion. What I have a problem with is religion posing as science. If there is a god and he's intelligent, then I would guess he has a sense of humor." Look for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to reveal him or herself in a very big way. Make sure to keep an umbrella handy unless you really like marinara sauce much more than you should. 

Al Franken

Having unselfishly given us the Al Franken decade and the O'Franken Factor at Air America Radio, Al won the unlikely battle of the Jews to defeat the ultra-slimy Norm Coleman to become the junior senator from Minnesota and avenge his friend and mentor Paul Wellstone. The wittiest and one of the smartest senators (admittedly a pretty low bar) has maintained a low profile during his first term. He's done a great job as a freshman senator and looks like a jew-in, I mean shoe-in to get re-elected.

 Franken engages in battle of wits with unarmed foes in the US Senate

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren continues to rankle Wall Street thieves and greedheads and their fellow travelers with her insistence on protecting the rights of citizens to not be fleeced by the Washington Corporatocracy. She remains capable, unflappable and to the degree possible in Lobbyland, DC, unstoppable. Watch Ms. Warren continue to shine a bright light on the darkest actions and actors as she fights to save Social Security, hold criminals accountable and generally make life miserable for those who make life miserable.

Elizabeth Warren won't rest until at least a few bad guys are behind bars.

Marco Rubio

Though a staunch Obamacare critic, Sen. Marco "Dry Mouth" Rubio (R-FL) enrolled his family in one of its health plans. Rubio will accept a $10,000 federal subsidy that some fellow Republicant's rejected as a “special deal.” Hypocritical, opportunistic and deluded, this freshman Tea Party darling of the Senate will be battling with fellow Tea Partier and Dr. Seuss misrepresenter Ted Cruz for the single-digit-IQ wing of the Republican't party in advance of the 2016 primary. Stay thirsty my friend.

Rubio goes dry, lunges for moisture, successfully saturates dry mouth on national television. Has done little since.

Ted Cruz 

The latest ploy by this narcissistic megalomaniac who doesn't understand Dr. Seuss was joining the American delegation at the Nelson Mandela memorial. One of the few Republican'ts and the only senator to make the trek, his purpose was a mystery to most other members of the contingency (22 members of Congress, mostly from the Congressional Black Caucus) and just about everyone else. His fanbase was horrified that Cruz would have anything but hatred for Mandela who fought for and gained basic human rights for South Africa's black population, and Cruz being from Cuba Canada Texas and all.

Cruz announcing his upcoming role in Blank Like Me.

Glen Beck 

Just kidding. You will hear little if anything from Beck unless you go out of your way. Don't.

Glen "No One Will Hire Me" Beck tries out the fake glasses look with bowtie for added defect.

Liz Cheney

Keep an eye out for Liz Cheney - as deceitful, shameless and heartless as her father. Her campaign for the senate in Wyoming saw her throw her own sister under the bus for being in a same-sex marriage. Mary Cheney is probably just happy sister Liz hasn't shot her in the face. And Mr. Liz Cheney is registered to vote in two states. Liz will lose big and then become a faceless lobbyist.

Don't they just look so sweet? Oops. My bad, I forgot to take my meds.

Tom Corbett

The country's most detested governor (R-PA), protector of Jerry Sandusky and Frackers' Little Helper is poised to be a one-term governor. In addition to his unabashed devotion to fracking every square inch of Pennsylvania, Corbett's other accomplishments include signing Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge, fighting gay marriage in the courts, and decimating education funding. Watch him while you can, he won't be around long. 

I feel certain there's a large quantity of natural gas right here…do I have any bidders?

Planet Earth

This little ball of stuff spinning around at a dizzying speed and hurtling through space at an unfathomable velocity continues beyond all reason and belief to provide everything necessary to sustain life for all its inhabitants. We on the other hand continue, despite all reasonable information to the contrary, to do our best to put a stop to life on Earth. I know one day's weather is no proof of anything, but really - almost seventy degrees on the first two days of winter? Conservative groups have spent a billion dollars to combat action on climate change, which barely exists as it is. The safe level of carbon in the atmosphere is somewhere around 300 parts per billion. It has been this way for the past 800,000 years or so. Many actual smart people say that the maximum level consistent with sustaining human life on Earth is 350 parts per billion. In 2013 it surpassed 400 and is heading toward 450. Let's just say that this does not bode well.

                  What Earth looks like now.    What it has to look like to convince some of climate change.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Happy Festivus for the rest of us.