We interrupt our regularly scheduled raving for this special holiday message...

Happy 2^nd 4^th of Amendment July

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

July 4^th, 2014

As we prepare to celebrate our nation’s 238^th birthday a relatively small, armed and dangerous segment of America is wallowing in a grotesque and misguided obsession with the Second Amendment to the Constitution. It’s obvious that these pseudo-patriots have spent little if any time actually reading the Constitution, even the ones who can read. This is obvious because they clearly haven’t even read their beloved Second Amendment. It says, “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Even the casual reader will notice that the opening phrase refers to the necessity of a well regulated militia. 

The drafters of the Constitution – not plastered, but bronzed (actually they often were

plastered, but clearly less tragically unstable than their modern-era tea-strained wannabe successors)

Militias were our fledgling nation’s only defense against the still very irritated and still well-armed British. It was probably important to defend ourselves against the at least equally annoyed Native Americans we continued to displace and murder as well. In any event we had no police force and no standing army. Hence the need for militias. This of course preceded the Second Amendment, contrary to renowned historian Sarah Palin who shared what can best be described as a Drunk History lesson about Paul Revere:

"And you know, he who warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure, as he is riding his horse through town, to send those warning shots and bells, that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."

Unfortunately, neither sentence structure nor sensibility is part of Ms. Palin's repertoire, but you get the point. As Keith Olbermann was wont to say from time to time, "That woman, is an idiot."

Not to be out dumbed, Michele Bachmann, during the 2012 Republican't presidential primary, told an audience of students and conservative activists in Manchester, New Hampshire, "You're the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord," clutching a tea bag in her hand. Most of you, and your children, and their children know that the historic moment soon-to-be-ex-congresswoman Bachmann was referring to happened in Concord, Massachusetts, which is a different state than New Hampshire. Apparently nobody told Ms. Bachmann that when she was growing up.

More Second Amendment Fun For The Whole Family

Georgia’s newly enacted Safe Carry Protection Act, commonly referred to as the “Guns Everywhere Bill” makes it legal to carry guns in schools, churches, airports, restaurants and of course bars. Everyone knows that the fact that Dick Cheney was drunk while hunting trapped, flightless birds and shooting Harry Whittington in the face before hiding out for 18 hours while he sobered up in anticipation of his inevitable encounter with the local militia police. How anyone resisted the temptation to purposely combine guns and alcohol this long is simply a mystery. Finally some legislators had the good sense to get plastered and pass a law. Even so, one poll said that 70% of Georgians oppose this crazy law.

No Gun Control, No Birth Control

While it has always been acceptable to conceive a child in the same schools, churches, airports, restaurants and bars in which Georgia now wants you to be armed and derangerous, I imagine that a sizeable majority of pregnancies resulting from such encounters were unwanted. That is why the Supreme Court made abortion safe and legal in 1973. Today the anti-separation-of-church-and-staters in the Supreme(ly Disappointing) Court have just empowered religious zealots to change the way we all live, which after all is precisely what they want. To paraphrase the great (just kidding) Ronald Reagan: Justices Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Roberts - please stop tearing down that wall. It’s not enough that this nation entitles everyone to their religious beliefs. These fanatics will not be satisfied until we live in the theocracy of their choice. The Roberts court has now enabled these freaks to stop people from having easy access to contraceptives. If that’s the way they want it, I believe there’s one other thing that needs to happen…

Come and get it birth-forcers.

All anti-choicers must voluntarily place their names on a list to receive, love and raise as their own the next baby born out of lack-of-choice. In fact once such a child is conceived, since that is when they say life begins, the next lucky duck on the Save Helpless Infants Today list will immediately be responsible for all medical and related expenses. If they think this is unfair I suppose they could opt to terminate the pregnancy.

There are plenty of babies for everyone who wants one.

Just look at this happy couple.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. I’m so sick of these people I can’t even tell you…oh wait I think I just did.