Country For Old (White) Men

The Day After The Night Before

United Snakes of America

November 5, 2014

I will share the injury to which this insult of a mid-term election has been added another time. For now I think it’s important to lay out some of what we can expect with the new Republican’t-led senate. Barrack Obama, alleged one-time community organizer and current albatross-around-the-neck-of-the-Democratic-party has, over the past six years seemed unable to organize a solo trip to the bathroom let alone master the art of cat herding necessary to work with the Legislative Branch. 

President Barrack Obama

Thanks to Obama’s dismal approval ratings, and the even more dismal turnout among black, Hispanic and young voters, the Republican’ts all but ran the table in yesterday’s midterm elections. I share with you now some of the loser-winners and an inside look at what they are planning for their new American century.

Hide Your Hogs and Show Us Your Fetuses

Joni Ernst, newly elected senator from Iowa, who grew up castrating hogs and decided that was an important feature of her ability to be a senator, supported a federal personhood bill that would give fetuses the same rights as the actually-born. At this point I’m starting to think this might not be a bad idea. If I could get each of my sperm to vote I could take over the country. After all, every sperm is sacred. It’s only a matter of time before fetuses will be permitted to run for office. The good news is that this could significantly raise the combined IQ of congress.

Incorporate Today or Find A Nice Street Vent To Live On

You know how the interest you pay is 5-10 times the interest the bank pays you? New legislation will eliminate that crummy interest you earn and require anyone worth less than $100K to pay banks to hold on to their money. Companion legislation will allow corporations to take money from your account as they see fit, to repossess your home and even ruin the nation’s economy to fill their own already overflowing pockets. Oh wait, most of that already happened. But don’t worry, it’s about to get worse.

Trust (Not Really) But Verify (Obstruct To Death)

Non-whites, at least those who will still be permitted to vote, will be required to have “Yes sir, I have been granted the privilege of voting by the gracious nation in which I was born so please don’t shoot me as I enter the voting booth seeing as you have already strip-searched me,” tattooed on their buttocks. Of course they will be required to vote between 7:00 AM and 7:12 AM, but at least they will not have been enslaved or deported.

So You Think You Can Vote

Voting will be replaced by dollars, finally eliminating that unpredictable middleman - We The People. Pure. And. Simple. Now politicians can be bought directly without all the sneaky backroom funding or the new Citizens United light-of-day pocket-lining. Best of all, we won’t need all those ridiculous ads selling us candidates once they can just be installed right into the Koch brothers safety deposit boxes, which used to be known as the Senate and House of Representatives.

Scene from the upcoming Citizens United movie

David Bosse, CEO of Citizens United told America, “Citizens United, our Supreme Court case, leveled the playing field and we’re very proud of the impact that had in last night’s election.” I hope you’re as proud as I am that your money, assuming you too are a megalomaniacal billionaire, has finally made democracy affordable. As a big wet thank-you to those hard working billionaires who really won the elections, regulations on corporations will be outlawed in order to bolster the “Free Market.”

Get Your Own Planet, Treehuggers

Republican’ts will have insane climate reality denier, James Inhofe of Oklahoma heading the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, which deals with climate change response and other environmental issues. In 2003 Inhofe asserted that global warming might actually be a good thing for humans, and possibly even himself. “It's also important to question whether global warming is even a problem for human existence. Thus far no one has seriously demonstrated any scientific proof that increased global temperatures would lead to the catastrophes predicted by alarmists. In fact, it appears that just the opposite is true: that increases in global temperatures may have a beneficial effect on how we live our lives.” Under new legislation, anyone caught using words and phrases like ‘climate change,’ ‘global warming,’ ‘environment’ or ‘Al Gore’ will be shipped off to Siberia, which sounds pretty bad right now, but will be quite like Florida in ten years, so don’t worry too much if you slip up.

In related legislation, national parks, endangered species, many trees and rivers and even a significant number of residential communities will be placed on a revised enemy combatants list for interfering with the wanton extraction and subsequent jmindless burning of coal, oil and natural gas…because it’s there. Also, too, the Keystone Pipeline will soon be running right through your house.

Who Needs Money When You’re Funny…or Desperately Trying To Feed A Family

Forget the federal minimum wage. There will instead be a “Wage Cap.” Anyone making over a certain amount for what used to be minimum wage type jobs will immediately have their job outsourced.

The Second Commandment Amendment will become the First Amendment, while the current First Amendment will be housed in the Smithsonian Institution with all the other national relics. Fox News will replace CSPAN.

Republican’ts will outlaw the filibuster that they used every hour over the past six years, claiming it is a horrible weight around the neck of our federal government, preferring instead a simple majority to pass legislation.

The Sliver Lining

In happier news, Measures aimed at raising the minimum wage passed overwhelmingly in the five states where they appeared on Tuesday's ballot. Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, South Dakota and South Dakota voted to raise their minimum wage from atrocious to pathetic, but it’s a start I guess. In even happier news, Oregon, Alaska and Washington, DC voted to legalize marijuana.

I. Mangrey with Steve Gallop.

Miss you Mom.