The Candidate at the End of the Universe

But First...

Happy Watergate Day

Washington, DC
June 17, 2016

The Watergate Hotel, Washington, DC

Forty four years ago a lowly Watergate Hotel security guard named Frank Wills unsuspectingly wandered into the history books. It was Wills who alertly noticed, in the wee hours of June 17, 1972, a suspiciously placed strip of duct tape that kept open a door in the Watergate parking garage. Wills notified police of this strange sighting leading police on the easiest trail of clues in history since trying to figure out what happened to the Titanic. A goofy bunch of “plumbers” led by professional psycho G. Gordon Liddy. Some of you might remember that Wills’ discovery led to some zany political hijinks. Just over two years later, shitting president Richard M. Nixon ran for the exit ahead of hangman.

Accidental hero, Frank Wills

Now for yesterday's news tomorrow...

The Physicist and The Phuckwit

Outer arm of the Milky Way

June 15, 2016

A BBC correspondent asked Nobel Prize winning theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking “You’re a man who knows the universe well. How do you explain the phenomenon of Donald Trump?” Hawking answered quickly, "I can't. He is a demagogue, who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator." Upon further questioning however, Hawking did not offer up Chrump as the gravest threat to the planet. That distinction went to an unspecified asteroid. So there you have it folks, though Chrump is a sleazy demagogue, he is no match for a collision with a giant space rock “against which we have no defense” according to the great Stephen Hawking. Hawking did not weigh in on whether or not we have a suitable defense against the likes of Chrump, who may or may not be a threat the Earth herself, or merely all the so-called higher forms of life thereon.

The Physicist: Stephen Hawking – Genius. Doesn’t get Chrump.

This was seen as a ringing endorsement by many Chrump supporters, if not Chrump himself. It is presumed that the candidate was too busy incessantly whining about Crooked Hillary and calling Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’ to insult Dr. Hawking directly. His minions weighed in quickly. “If this guy’s so smart how’s come he’s in a wheel chair? And what the hell is physics?” croaked one Chrump enthusiast. “I never heard of him. He doesn’t look so smart and what’s with the goofy accent?” commented I-don’t-have-to-tell-you-my-f*&king-name from South Carolina. “Why is he trying to sound like a computer? He looks like that journalist jerk that Donald was making fun of before. I bet he’ll rip this idiot a new one,” said Montana’s Adolf Jones from within his pointy white hood.

Dr. Heckle and Mr. Jive

Hawking added, “The more immediate danger is runaway climate change. A rise in ocean temperature would melt the icecaps and cause a release of large amounts of carbon dioxide from the ocean floor.” Asshole. Why must these science mongers perpetuate this stupid Chinese hoax?

 

The Phuckwit: Donald Chrump – Hairbrain. Doesn’t have a clue.

Unfortunately America is in many ways the Donald Chrump of the world of nations. We say and do pretty much whatever we want (from genocide against Native Americans, to slavery, to Vietnam, to invading Iraq for no good reason and implementing torture), we pretend we have much greater wealth than we really have (huge national debt and deficit, intentional toxic income inequality), we are arrogant (“importing” democracy to the Middle East where nobody asked for our intrusion and fomenting regime change all over the world), rude (spying on everyone everywhere) and ignorant of foreign norms and in many ways world history (who ever said the Sunni and Shiites couldn’t get along?). We came oh-so-close to trying a very different path forward, but now we find ourselves with the lesser of two evils. But one is without a doubt the lesser and the other is an in-over-his-synthetically-colored-head loose cannon who gets his information either from the internet or from himself and cannot control what comes out of his face once it passes through the garbage disposal between his ears. If he wasn’t so old I would swear he was the result of genetically modified organisms gone horribly wrong. Like if you crossed an innocent mango with a flaming asshole.

 

Is It Safe?

Democratic strategist and lizard American James Carville confidently opined that Chrump represents only 42% of the country adding “right now we’re in a country where you need 50% plus one to win and 42 is a long way from 50 plus one.” I’ll tell you what, if Donald Chrump does in fact represent anywhere near 42% of the American electorate I think the US should seriously consider end of life care if not assisted suicide…oh wait, we’re doing it right now.

Actual, real, not-made-up Chrump quote of the week:

During his fact-resistant, tone-deaf, delusional screed following on the heels of this week’s worst mass shooting ever in Orlando, while accusing President Obama of colluding with terrorists, The Chrump gave us this gem: “We have an incompetent administration. And if I’m elected president that will not change I will tell you. That will not change over the next four years.”

Stephen Colbert - Doing his homework

I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t Chrump me bro.
                                                                                              Mad in USA