April 7, 2025
Several northern
states – Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, and Vermont have
petitioned to become part of Canada.
Bolstered by
Canada’s strong statements rebuffing the mentally disturbed dictator on the
other side of their southern border’s insistence that Canada needs to become
the 51st state of America.
A Canadian
spokesperson told Paying Attention “We are honored by the request from the
several states in our one-time friendly neighbor to our south. We fully
understand the desire to disassociate oneself from the brutally stupid, historically
incompetent and anti-American president who threw our more-than-250-year
relationship into his gold toilet. What an absolute loser. And a complete
douche – if you’ll pardon my French. As Prime Minister Mark Carney recently
said, …“the old relationship we had with the United States” …is now “over.”
We in the
independent nation of Canada will gladly sit down and discuss this request like
adults, something that could never happen with your childish idiot of a leader.
We Canadians do not understand why a political party would willingly succumb to
a leader who constantly threatens them if they ever so much as disagree with
that leader. And that same party has no interest in any meaningful policy other
than providing repeated, untenable tax cuts for the wealthiest countrymen, at
the expense of anyone and everyone else.
Ooh, I know this one: because he’s such a fucking dick.
But why the hell isn’t American media more anti Trump?
Oooh, I know that one: because it's mostly shameless whores and dopes.
We simply never
expected America to turn into such a shithole country, and so quickly and
thoroughly. You need to get rid of Trump before it’s too late, which it may
already be. If we did not know better, we would have to assume that Trump fully
intends to turn America into an economic and intellectual wasteland. One
imagines this is meant to please Vladimir Putin – can you say “pee tape”? If
only for that reason, there is simply no way in hell we would for a moment
consider even the concept of a plan to become part of a failing nation like the
United States.
We therefore hope to
talk soon to see if we can work something out with these unfortunate states,
desperate to escape the obvious fascism and overwhelming stupidity that is
engulfing a once proud and powerful nation. We’d hate to have these quality
states become part of Mexico, but we’ll need some assurances. We imagine Trump
will happily let these states go since they are states that did not vote for
him, but we’d better act soon before he has all of them arrested and deported
to El Salvador.”
I. Mangrey reporting, eh.
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