Thursday, January 14, 2016

In Defense of Editors: SOTU 2016

Super-secret First Draft of Obama’s Final State of the Union

USA, USA, USA
January 14, 2016
Barack Obama does much of his own speech writing. He has a team of writers, but he is very active in the process. Thankfully he is willing to listen to others. You will see why after reading his initial draft. He must be feeling extra spunky as he prepares to return to life as a citizen. No more running for office, no more Mitch McConnell, no need to sit down with Bill O'Reilly ever again. No more Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter. That has to feel good.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans. It is an honor ad a privilege to address you here tonight. And to my colleagues across the aisle, just so you know - a one-term presidency is four years and this my eighth. And good luck getting one of your knuckleheads into the Oval Office without a visitor’s pass. I will be a hard act to follow. Once you go Barack you can never go back.
 
Even after eight years - or two terms as we say in the business - it is still amazing to me that I got to where I am. I never dreamed, as a little boy growing up in Kenya, that one day I would be here - delivering my seventh and final State of the Union address. Who would have imagined that a young man - and a black one at that - who smoked his own weight in reefer, could not only stay out of jail, but find his way to the Oval Office without being shot on sight.
Contrary to what some people (who shall remain brainless) running for president would have you believe, America is already great. And what the hell is in that guy’s hairspray? You know who I mean - the guy who’s been telling everyone that the American dream is dead. The only thing that’s dead is whatever that thing on his head. Is that five year old spaghetti in meat sauce or did he buy up all the orange silly string on the planet? And this guy seems to hate everyone who is not him. I’m not saying that Donald Trump is a fascist and an ignorant fraud, but some people are saying that so it makes me wonder.
By every single measure America in 2016 is vastly better than when I took office in 2009. And when I say ‘took’ office, I mean after being elected by the American people, not appointed by the Supreme Court like the last guy, who by the way did such a bang-up job that his own brother’s political career went up in smoke in the bargain. At this point he couldn’t even attract an identity thief let alone a voter. Although truth be told I think little brother seems perfectly capable of obliterating his career without any help whatsoever. He’s very talented that way, and he’s the smart one.
Clearly my good friends across the aisle have a very different perception of the state of the union than I have. That’s understandable. Lookig out at the world from the inside of your intestines probably distorts your view of reality. I pity the fools. I am confident that the American people will eventually help these well-meaning but completely delusional folks to extricate their collective heads from…well you know what I mean. I’ll just leave it there because it would be less than presidential to tell you how I really feel about these fuckwits. And by the way, spell-check did not even flinch at “fuckwits”.

Barack Obama and the ghost of “presidents” past
I think I’ve done a pretty good job considering what I had to start with and who I had to work with. The last guy left one of the biggest most comprehensive messes any nation has seen. I doubt that he could have made things any worse if he tried. And since he sees himself as a great “decider” who made no mistakes while in office, maybe he did precisely what he intended to do. Trillions of dollars of war spending off the books, Gitmo, torturing prisoners, black sites, the demolition of the American housing market and near-death of our auto industry, global financial collapse thanks to Wall Street greed and government collusion (you’ve got to see The Big Short), the massive destabilization of the Middle East, and America’s reputation similar to that of Ebola. And then finally, after all of that you elect our first black president. I’ve had to fight for every inch of progress with the most hateful, uncompromising and do-nothing Congress in this great nation’s history. The stock market is through the roof, there are millions fewer people without health care, there is finally marriage equality in America, prices are way down at the pump – even lower than Newt Gingrich was promising, we’re talking to Cuba, unemployment is way down as is the deficit, bin Laden is dead and so is Fred Thompson…what, too soon? I saved this nation from having Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the presidency of John McCain, who is technically still alive. You lost John, get over it already. I spared this country from President Romney and vice president (and Ayn Rand devotee) Paul Ryan; sure he’s now Speaker of the House, but I can hardly be blamed for that.

So bring on the November election. Thank Allah for term limits. I’m outta here in a year and eight days. I can’t wait to get back to Kenya. Hey, at least I wasn’t born in Canada.

So Long and Thanks For All The F#[%s
Actual SOTU Wrap-up
Things Republican’ts didn’t applaud for: cutting carbon pollution; affordable college for all, equal rights, equal pay, less gun violence, feeding the poor, closing Guantanamo, ending gerrymandering, getting money out of politics, making voting easier, affordable health care, less war
Things Republican’ts did applaud for: cutting regulations
I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you're too darn close.

And now for something completely different…

DUCK!
(insert unnecessary 1000 words here)

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