USA, USA, USA
January 14, 2016
January 14, 2016
Barack Obama does much of his own speech writing. He has a team of writers, but he is very active in the process. Thankfully he is willing to listen to others. You will see why after reading his initial draft. He must be feeling extra spunky as he prepares to return to life as a citizen. No more running for office, no more Mitch McConnell, no need to sit down with Bill O'Reilly ever again. No more Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter. That has to feel good.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my
fellow Americans. It is an honor ad a privilege to address you here tonight. And
to my colleagues across the aisle, just so you know - a one-term presidency is
four years and this my eighth. And good luck getting one of your knuckleheads
into the Oval Office without a visitor’s pass. I will be a hard act to follow.
Once you go Barack you can never go back.
Even after eight years - or two terms as we say in the
business - it is still amazing to me that I got to where I am. I never dreamed,
as a little boy growing up in Kenya, that one day I would be here - delivering
my seventh and final State of the Union address. Who would have imagined that a
young man - and a black one at that - who smoked his own weight in reefer,
could not only stay out of jail, but find his way to the Oval Office without
being shot on sight.
Contrary to what some people (who shall remain brainless) running
for president would have you believe, America is already great. And what the
hell is in that guy’s hairspray? You know who I mean - the guy who’s been
telling everyone that the American dream is dead. The only thing that’s dead is
whatever that thing on his head. Is that five year old spaghetti in meat sauce
or did he buy up all the orange silly string on the planet? And this guy seems
to hate everyone who is not him. I’m not saying that Donald Trump is a fascist
and an ignorant fraud, but some people are
saying that so it makes me wonder.
By every single measure America in 2016 is vastly better
than when I took office in 2009. And when I say ‘took’ office, I mean after
being elected by the American people, not appointed by the Supreme Court like
the last guy, who by the way did such a bang-up job that his own brother’s
political career went up in smoke in the bargain. At this point he couldn’t
even attract an identity thief let alone a voter. Although truth be told I
think little brother seems perfectly capable of obliterating his career without
any help whatsoever. He’s very talented that way, and he’s the smart one.
Clearly my good friends across the aisle have a very
different perception of the state of the union than I have. That’s
understandable. Lookig out at the world from the inside of your intestines probably
distorts your view of reality. I pity the fools. I am confident that the
American people will eventually help these well-meaning but completely
delusional folks to extricate their collective heads from…well you know what I
mean. I’ll just leave it there because it would be less than presidential to tell
you how I really feel about these fuckwits. And by the way, spell-check did not
even flinch at “fuckwits”.
Barack Obama and the ghost of
“presidents” past
I think I’ve done a pretty good job considering what I had
to start with and who I had to work with. The last guy left one of the biggest
most comprehensive messes any nation has seen. I doubt that he could have made
things any worse if he tried. And since he sees himself as a great “decider”
who made no mistakes while in office, maybe he did precisely what he intended
to do. Trillions of dollars of war spending off the books, Gitmo, torturing
prisoners, black sites, the demolition of the American housing market and near-death
of our auto industry, global financial collapse thanks to Wall Street greed and
government collusion (you’ve got to see The Big Short), the massive
destabilization of the Middle East, and America’s reputation similar to that of
Ebola. And then finally, after all of that you elect our first black president.
I’ve had to fight for every inch of progress with the most hateful, uncompromising
and do-nothing Congress in this great nation’s history. The stock market is
through the roof, there are millions fewer people without health care, there is
finally marriage equality in America, prices are way down at the pump – even lower
than Newt Gingrich was promising, we’re talking to Cuba, unemployment is way
down as is the deficit, bin Laden is dead and so is Fred Thompson…what, too
soon? I saved this nation from having Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the
presidency of John McCain, who is technically still alive. You lost John, get
over it already. I spared this country from President Romney and vice president
(and Ayn Rand devotee) Paul Ryan; sure he’s now Speaker of the House, but I can
hardly be blamed for that.
So bring on the November election. Thank Allah for term
limits. I’m outta here in a year and eight days. I can’t wait to get back to
Kenya. Hey, at least I wasn’t born in Canada.
Actual SOTU Wrap-up
Things Republican’ts didn’t applaud for: cutting carbon
pollution; affordable college for all, equal rights, equal pay, less gun
violence, feeding the poor, closing Guantanamo, ending gerrymandering, getting
money out of politics, making voting easier, affordable health care, less war
Things Republican’ts did applaud for: cutting regulations
I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you're too darn close.
And now for something completely different…
DUCK!
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