Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The
End (of The Year) is Near
December
29, 2023
Telling
It Like It Will Have Been
It
is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently
soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered
as 2023 melts away like the Arctic and if many
people have their way, America’s democracy. If you had already started
your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a
timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least
blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while
you were “out.”
It
was with great trepidation, constipation and crustacean – no, that can’t be
right… that we even forced ourselves to look at the coming year. 2024 promises
to be horrifying, angst-ridden and exhausting. And that’s the best-case
scenario. This election could have people running for the exits faster than the
audience at the premier of Springtime For Hitler just before the lovely
and talented Lorenzo St. DuBois took the stage and stole the show.
As
we watch 2023 dissolve into the American memory abyss, Donald Trump is
desperately appealing each and every indictment, claiming that former
presidents, even a disgraced,
twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leading and
Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term one has a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free
cards. Never thought I would use the words ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘appealing’ in
the same sentence.
In
any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it
will be in 2024. With any luck the prediction gods will provide something
to save the day, if not the year.
January 16, 2024
It’s My Party
And I’ll Win If I Want To
Trump wins the
Iowa caucuses running away, but is either confused about having won or is so
accustomed to whining, yelling and mooing about hoaxes, witch hunts and rigged
elections, that he spends several hours between midnight and 3 am posting a
series of all-cap screeds on his soon-to-be-forgotten fake media platform…I
want to say Ruth Social, or something like that. Here’s a frightening and
painful sample:
Despite being
told by his team that he had actually won, Trump began kicking his aides and
throwing food until he was finally subdued with the help of a tranquillizer
dart, well several, since no actual elephant tranquillizers were available.
February 25, 2024
What's That Smell? Is It
Musk?
Despite still
insisting that he lost the “very fake and horrible” Iowa caucuses, Trump
announces his running mate as he continues his for American fascism. Quoting
Hitler with reckless abandon, praising Xi and Putin at every turn, many thought
it would be Mike Flynn or perhaps super-genius and anti-Semitic,
anti-social-media empresario Elon Musk. Others insisted Trump would choose Icky
Haley or the sniveling Reejek Ramasmarmy.
It turned out
to be a complete unknown. Someone who could rile up the base and drive the libs
crazy. Someone who would never – at least not for the next 20 months or so –
criticize Trump or say anything that would make Donald seem stupid by
comparison. Though small in stature, and having never been in politics, this
would-be second-in-command at least comes with no baggage, no skeletons in the
closet. In fact, no skeleton whatsoever…
This would assure Trump that his VP would always stand by him, well at least once he was born and was given a name, if not quite able to actually stand yet. And there is no way little What’s-is-name would be able to run against his boss in 2028, 2032 or any election prior to 2060. After that, he could just be mysteriously shot or suffer a high-rise window mishap.
April 1, 2024
Golden (Or Is It Orange)
Shower
or
Piss On, Piss Off
Trump finds
that pissing off the courts is not enough, so he whips out his mushroom-shaped,
barely-functional phallus and reenacts the infamous Pee-pee Tape, only this
time he’s the one providing the golden shower, pissing on the court,
with his idiot lawyer Alina Habba taking friendly water, taking it on the chin,
as it were.
July 21, 2024
TRUMP = MUD
As part of the
settlement for E. Jean Carroll’s second defamation suit – the one she filed after
Trump was found liable and forced to pay $5M in the first civil trial,
immediately after which Donald went out and defamed her again – Trump was
required to change the marquee on every property festooned with his name. The
judge thought a new name would be appropriate
Ironically,
though figuratively his name is now “Mud,” revenues went up as soon the TRUMP
logo came off those buildings that had still been saddled with it.
Nap
Time
Go
and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of
Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon.
We’ve
got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless
hazy replies, and a surprising number of “Signs point to WTF”. These are
not fake predictions.
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.
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