Willard is W-2

Romney’s Bane

On The Campaign Trial

July 18, 2012

I realize the Republican’ts are trying, with every ounce of strength a bunch of lily-livered old white dudes can muster, to unite behind their least-favorite-presidential-candidate-of-all-time, Willard M. Romney, but this latest attempt to prop up the richest, second-most-clueless-man ever to get this close (alright, maybe third if you count Dan Quayle) to the nation’s highest office makes even me, an avowed non-Republican’t, feel uncomfortable.  Don’t get me wrong, I wish the guy’s hair would fall out overnight, scaring off a solid 90% of his voting base, but some things cut across all differences.  After all, we are all just mortal beings, sharing a small planet - albeit in the process of melting, orbiting a mediocre little star in a vast galaxy - much of which is owned by W. Romney - who I call W-2.  All of us, that is, with the possible exception of one Willard M. Romney, whose birth certificate I have yet to inspect for, 1) authenticity, 2) proof he was not born in Mexico where his great-grandfather fled to in order to maintain his Mor(m)on harem, and 3) proof that he actually was born and not manufactured in China.

Poor Willard, he’s fighting to figure out how he feels about so many things, like his time at Bain Capital.  He’s trying to figure out when he left Bain, what he did while he was there, where he hid all his money, how he amassed an IRA that would take normal non-corporate people several lifetimes to build legally.  These are all difficult decisions even for Mr. Etch-a-sketch.  

As if all that wasn’t enough to drive a Mor(m)on to drink, his helpers are not helping so much. Romney surrogate and former chief of staff to George H.W. Bush, John Sununu, clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box, was evidently let off his leash too early, sputtering, “I wish this president would learn how to be an American,” shortly before his head exploded.  Sununu later apologized for “using those words.”  Not, of course for the disgusting sentiments they represented, just the actual words.  Then fellow Republican’t John “I-Lost-Five-Of-Our-Planes-In-Vietnam- and-Can’t-Remember-How-Many-Houses-I-Have” McCain, trying to deflect attention from just about everyone clamoring for Willard’s tax returns insisted he didn’t reject Romney as his running mate in 2008 because of anything to do with dodgy taxes.  McCain said he chose Palin “because we thought that Sarah Palin was the better candidate.”  Just so we’re clear - the McCain team thought that Sarah Palin, the moron’s moron, was a better candidate for vice president than “Mitt” Romney.  Sarah Palin.  McCain declined to speculate on whether or not he still felt that way.  Oh, the humanity.

In other news of the mentally and morally deficient, George W. Bush was interviewed in some basement, by some unknown yahoo for the prestigious network -You Tube, not to be confused with You Tool.  With his signature-style folksy/moronic talking ability, the 43^rd “president” told the unknown interviewer, "Look, eight years was awesome. You know, I was famous and I was powerful, but I have no desire for fame and power anymore."  Thank God for small favors, though not for the eight “awesome” years he allowed this assbag to befoul our White House, or for allowing his dad’s Supreme Court to appoint him.  The ways in which God works seem to get mysteriouser and mysteriouser.  It just figures that America would force a black guy to clean up Bush’s mess and then blame him for making the mess he so desperately is trying to clean up, hindered at every single step by all those who thought the Worst Eight Years in American History were “awesome.”  The horror.  The horror.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible comment (and more crappy, stupid presidents) invited.