Higgs Bosons, Big Morons And One Giant Mitt Wit
The Science Beat
July 4, 2012
By Ed Venture
Scientists believe they have finally discovered the long sought after Higgs boson, better known as the God Particle. The Higgs boson is the last missing piece scientists needed to explain how all matter in the universe has mass under the Standard Model, the most-widely accepted theory of particle physics. The Higgs boson has been extremely elusive. The only things more elusive than the Higgs are coherent thoughts by Tea Party politicians and a consistent position on any single issue by Willard Romney.
Political scientists are now busy at work trying to create the proper experimental conditions in which they might observe, even for the briefest moment, the appearance of a coherent utterance or just a fleeting rational thought from anyone in the Tea Party. They attempted to create what these researchers call a “no-brainer” by pitting the consistently and aggressively insane Joe Walsh (R-ILL) against an opponent – a veteran who lost both legs flying a helicopter in Iraq. Walsh, who rather than serve his country in the military, and felt it more patriotic to stiff his ex-wife on $177,000 in child support, slammed his opponent as not a “true hero” because she talks about her service on the campaign trail.
Rep. Alan West (R-FL), always good for a psychotic outburst like saying on the House floor six months ago that government programs supported by Democrats are the “most insidious form of slavery remaining in the world today,” or more recently calling progressive Democrats in Congress “members of the communist party,” is at it again. Researchers have been following West, an African American veteran, since being elected during the Great 2010 Tea Party Infestation, hoping for that one moment of lucidity that still eludes detection. Joining his fellow Teabrains in their current hysteria over the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare, West let fly with his latest foray into slavery imagery. “He [Obama] does not want you to have the self-esteem of getting up and earning and having that title of American. He’d rather you be his slave,” said West.
Meanwhile professional presidential candidate Willard Romney continues his subatomic, somnambulist, sub-intellectual pursuit of our nation’s highest office. Though Romney seems reluctantly willing to address policies of the past, he has steadfastly refused to describe any policy he might enact if elected. Scientists remain unwavering in their insistence that Romney’s opinion on some policy can be discerned using the most up-to-date equipment and round-the-clock vigilance or that he can be observed maintaining a position on some issue. It is hoped that both phenomena will at some point be observed since Romney does appear to be running for president. One would think that people would be averse to voting for someone who expresses every opinion on every issue while simultaneously refusing to elucidate even a hint of how he would accomplish anything he claims he will do once in office.
Lead researcher, Allyson Wundarland recently generated excitement with what she thought was clear example of Romney holding a position for more than a nanosecond, but it turned out he accidentally reread a statement from his teleprompter. Wundarland explained, “I’ve been after this for so long and really thought this was the big one. Willard, I mean Mr. Romney was speaking to a group of mental patients at one of his better attended campaign stops and I was sure this was it. I admit I was a little sleep deprived; after all I’ve been on Romney’s trail for the better part of a decade and as he’s as good a sedative as there is, but I cannot afford to let him anesthetize me off my game. There was a point in his presentation where he said that the healthcare mandate was not a tax and then repeated that statement and I almost screamed out in surprise, but I caught myself just in time, not wanting to startle the already tense and unstable crowd. I quickly returned to my lab with the video only to discover that Romney had quickly reversed himself at the moment I became excited. I can’t believe I lost my focus and my objectivity like that. I will not give up though. If my colleagues at CERN can find the damned Higgs boson anything is possible. I just know it. One day Willard Romney will agree with himself. And I will be there to verify it.”
No comments:
Post a Comment