Northeast Corridor
April 27, 2016
April 27, 2016
We here at Paying Attention
had been “hopeful” of late that religious fanatic, bull-goose homophobe and human
zit Ted Cruz was poised to knock Donald Chrump down a peg or two in the fight
for the Republican’t presidential nomination. I know, what were we thinking?
Cruz never even had his own reality show. In fact nothing about him hints of
reality. It now seems that Chrump is on his way to the general election because
the more people get a whiff of Cruz, the more they like him less.
Ted Cruz, who Al Franken recently
described as “the love child of Joe McCarthy and Dracula”, pushes on in his thus
far successful quest to get as many people as possible to despise him. Whereas
Bernie Sanders started out as an unknown and seems to attract more and more
supporters the more he gets his message out, the mostly unheard of Cruz just
sickens more and more people the more he pokes himself into the public eye.
Sure Bernie seems perpetually cranky, but he is old and Jewish, so it works for
him. Cruz just sounds like he is simultaneously
whining and scolding and doing a bad Yoko Ono impression. He comes across as condescending and punchable – evermore so as he
continues to defile the universe with his McCarthyesque demeanor.
It could not be clearer that
New York values do not include whatever Cruz is oozing. On the heels of his
schlonging in the New York primary, accomplished lawyer and constantly self-proclaimed
super patriot Ted Cruz decided to wax philosophic in his own very special way.
In an effort to spin defeat into I-don’t-know-what said, "But America has
always been best when she Is lying down with her back on the mat, and the crowd
has given the final count." I guess this makes sense coming from the man
who completely misses the point of Green Eggs and Ham and made a point of
displaying his shocking ignorance on the floor of the Senate during his epic
anti-Obamacare filibuster. I don’t think I want to know what the hell he meant
by that. What planet is this guy from? More important, when is he going back?
It’s My Party and I’ll Lie if I Want To
The reality-challenged Cruz
claims he is a Constitutionalist, but somehow he does not believe in the
Supreme Court. He believes in states’ rights über alles. Responding to a
question about same-sex marriage, the Canadian-born Cuban said, “I don’t think
it should be five unelected lawyers down in Washington dictating that.” No, he
believes the states should be able to dictate who can marry whom. And who goes
into which bathroom. Because The Constitution. Also because God talks to
him...well, actually God only talks to his family members because even God can
only take so much.
Cruz is only half way into
his first term as a Texas senator. Before he became a senator Cruz went to
elitist Ivy League schools in order to become a lawyer. He is very proud of his
2 and 4 record (out of nine appearances) arguing in front of the Supreme Court.
One of Cruz’s two victories allowed Texas to execute a convicted
murderer despite an order from an international
court and the urging of President George W. Bush to hold off so he could
receive a new hearing.
As
reported here previously, in 2008, Texas Solicitor
General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys.
According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of
sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and
it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of
prostitution." But the US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought
this argument was stupid. Their opinion of Cruz himself has evaded
documentation, but I will go out on a limb and assume they thought Cruz himself
was reminiscent of having your teeth slowly drilled while having your own nails
dragged across a chalkboard. I have read
the Constitution and I don’t remember anything in there about dildos – either
Cruz himself or the ones he tried to outlaw in Texas. Some say that Cruz just
wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.
Has
Ted been a naughty boy?
Getting Cruz-ified
Former House Speaker John Boehner
called Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” , adding “I have Democrat friends and
Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked
with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.” Cruz continues to get spanked
in the primaries. New York netted him exactly zero delegates and the latest
super Tuesday saw God’s candidate swept away by a Chrump tsunami across the
northeastern US. Cruz is now getting flattened by John Kasich. As you may
recall Mr. Cruz prayed and prayed until he finally badgered God into telling
him to run for president. According Cruz’s freaky fundamentalist father God
ordained that his son should run for president. Clearly the Lord works in
mysterious ways. Was it God’s will that Ted come in a distant third to Kasich? Kasich is currently in fourth
place in the delegate count behind Marco Rubio – remember Marco Rubio? I don’t. If
this is what being God’s anointed one looks like, I’ll take my chances going it
alone.
Epilogue
In his last ditch effort to
a) pitifully attempt to drag the spotlight away from the ever-billowing Chrump
and b) vainly appear as a still-viable candidate, Cruz has just announced his
(chucle, chuckle, laugh, debilitating guffaw) running mate (still catching my
breath)…wait for it…none other than delusionally woman-hating, disastrously
failed candidate, business woman and third to only Chrump and Cruz in
dislikability – Carly Fiorina. You just can’t make this stuff up folks.
I. Mangrey reporting. Because
it’s there.
Mad in USA
Mad in USA
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