Un-Conventional News

Being P*&%!@#*t Chrump Will Be So Easy

Not Cleveland
July 20, 2016

Okay, so I was right. We had heard that team Chrump was looking for a VP who was “an experienced person who can do the part of the job he doesn’t want to do.” I imagined this meant basically all the stuff that actual presidents do. It turns out the hair might be real but everything underneath it is completely fake. Chrump thinks being presidential is nothing more than a facial expression. As we all know by now he has the best facial expressions.

I assume he considers most of them very presidential.

Now we have learned that Donny Jr. has been calling around asking if anyone wants to be the actual president once daddy dearest Chrumps the White House. Unsurprisingly Mr. Chrump has no interest in doing any presidenting. He just wants to make America Chrump greatly.

Reliable sources and the New York Times (not the usual voices I hear when I’m in my happy place) say that Crump Jr. contacted team Kasich to make the governor an unprecedented offer: How would Kasich like to be the most powerful vice president ever? When asked what that might mean (after all we already lived through the Cheney/Bush years) Kasich’s adviser was told that the VP would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. He was then informed that Chrump would be in charge of “making America great again.” One assumes this would free Donald up for playing with our nuclear arsenal, waterboarding people who annoy him, attacking the liberal media and tweeting 24/7. Oh and obviously P*&%!@#*t Chrump would take the lead on all matters of Outer Space. This will likely consume much of Chrump’s time as countless refugees flee the planet immediately after a Chrump victory, which will be known as The Great Chrexit. (More on this next time.)

Chrexit: The ultimate in reality TV

 

Chrump tweeted a denial of any such contact. So you know it really happened.

Editor’s Note:

As a yuuuuuuuge favor to myself and the staff here at Paying Attention, and especially to you the reader, I have decided not to cover the Republican’t National Convention. I am working hard to avoid as much of this debacle as possible. We did stumble across one candid shot of popular conservative talker Laura Ingraham finishing her screech:

Not Photoshopped. Just sickening.

And one from outside during convention downtime…

 

I. Mangrey reporting. We report, you try to keep your lunch down.