Cloudy With a Chance of Death

Not Holding My Breath

September 7, 2017

                       “He’s an asshole, but he’s our asshole.”
Republican’t Congressman, Duncan Hunter (R-CA and currently under FBI investigation for ethics violations and quite the asshole himself), on Donald Chrump

In a desperate attempt to distract everyone from Global Depression Chrump, Hurricane Irma - the most powerful storm ever recorded (which Chrump will eventually take credit for) is rushing across the Caribbean on its way to vacation at Moron Lago before the Summer of Chrump comes to a Hindenburg-like end. I thought I would welcome any distraction, but this is not quite what I had in mind. And there are more of these following close behind. The good news is that climate change is still a hoax.  

I really am trying to calm down and take deep breaths. The problem is, every time I breathe in I get a face full of world-class stupid. I hold my breath for a while, hoping it will pass. I look both ways before getting cross, and with great trepidation, I attempt another breath. But, alas. The air remains thick with the stench of something I still cannot comprehend. I start wheezing and next thing I know, I am crawling around wondering how I ended up on the floor. And all around me is an Orange Gas Cloud. Try as I might, it is impossible to ignore. Maybe all this breathing is not such a good idea.

Worst fart in the history of the world.

 

The very silly man who looked right at the total eclipse of the Sun, while all around him knew better and tried to share this knowledge with El Dummo, has now figured out that hurricanes can cause problems. During a recent attempt at communicating with the public Chrump said, “There’s a new and seems to be record-breaking hurricane heading right toward Florida and Puerto Rico and other places. We’ll see what happens. We’ll know in a very short period of time, but it looks like it could be something that will be not good. Believe me, not good.” Is there no one who can sew his face sphincter shut? He should at the very least stop getting talkin’-in-public lessons from Sarah Palin.

Chrump also admitted that he had “no second thoughts” about destroying DACA and the lives of an as-yet-undetermined number of innocent people. The question on the minds of many is whether he had any first thoughts. If he did, they were likely about grabbing women’s private parts or dating his daughter.

The Art of The Dumbass

Speaking of no second thoughts, Der Furor sat down with Republican’t and Democratic leaders to discuss money for Hurricane Harvey relief and the looming debt ceiling crisis. Schumer and Pelosi made what they thought would be a very clever opening offer, one that surely would be nothing more than a starting point for negotiating what they really hoped to get – you know, the art of the deal. What “Chuck and Nancy” – as Chrump would soon refer to them – never saw coming, what their Republican’t counterparts would not have ever imagined in their wildest nightmares, was exactly what happened next.

After Chuck and Nancy made what they hoped would be a very clever opening gambit, the self-described greatest deal maker in the history of deal making swallowed the bait so hard that the damn hook went into his face sphincter, all the way through all the convoluted tubing, and stuck in the chair groaning and pleading for mercy beneath the weight of Chrump’s bounteous behind. Pence, Mnuchin,McConnell and Ryan probably soiled themselves watching this unfold right in front of them. Reports from several observers at the meeting say that all the Republican’ts turned even whiter, except for Mike Pence who became translucent.

Perhaps the best part was when, before the meeting, but after Schumer and Pelosi made their “plan” public, Speaker Ryan – who would be present at the meeting – said of the idea, “ I think that’s a ridiculous idea, I hope that they don’t mean that.” Then he blathered on about how evil Dems were for playing politics with the debt ceiling and disaster relief – all of which was fine when Ryan and Repubs were doing it not so long ago. In fact, no one had ever thought of playing politics with the debt ceiling before McConnell, Ryan, et al. Ryan then added, “I think it’s ridiculous and disgraceful.”

Meanwhile, my fake Twitter account has finally paid off. My message must have gotten through to someone. Full disclosure, before the big meeting I may have had a few, if not a few too many. Oh, okay, more than a few too many. For now, as I work to recall exactly what transpired, I will just share my selfies with none other than the very hot mess currently living in the White House…

I’m pretty sure this is the guy running everything – HR Grabbinstuff.

 

And that is definitely not a bong in my hand. Believe me.

 

I. Mangrey reporting.