Turmp Has A Bad Case Of The Runs

If At First You Fuck Everything Up Beyond Recognition, Try, Try Again

September 20, 2021

Some close to the disgraced, twice-impeached, single-term, seditious ex-president are telling anyone unfortunate enough to hear them that their lord and pussy-grabber is “somewhere between 99 and 100 percent” likely to run for the office he was landslided out of on November 3, 2020. This is another completely unnecessary and largely unwanted scummer rerun.

Naturally, Turmp himself continues to tease the next-season opener. I am looking forward to seeing him hanging from a cliff – I believe that is how they say it in the entertainment biz…when they’re not busy eating children in non-existent pizza parlor basements.

While fake reality star Turmp’s attempt at a bummer rerun is no surprise, it is exceedingly nauseating and only slightly less frightening than ending up on a ventilator with COVID. My question at the moment is shouldn’t he stop running in 2020 before moving on to 2024?

Critical Presidential Race Theory

Despite his absolute shellacking at the polls in 2020, Turmp refused to admit defeat. He begged his Lap-Veep Mike Pence to override the Constitution and the election by not fulfilling his ceremonial duty to certify the election results on January 6, 2021. For his part, Pence left no stone unturned in search of a loophole to hand his master. After all options were found untenable, including a desperate call to Dan Quayle (Dan Quayle? Really?), Pence was forced to tell Donnie Dearest that he had no choice but to carry out his constitutionally mandated duty. To which Turmp replied, “No, no, no! You don't understand, Mike. You can do this. I don't want to be your friend anymore if you don't do this.” Awww, poor Mikey. Just kidding, fuck Mike Pence. There are countless three-year-olds with more maturity than pathetic hot air buffoon Turmp.

Up, up and away…mostly away. Far, far away. Please.

And what, you might not ask, will Turmp’s new platform be? Our intrepid reporter T. Doff risked life and lunch by going undercover to learn some of the dirty little secrets poised to become filthy big campaign planks in the next failed Turmp campaign to make America sick again:

          People of color, across the nation will only be permitted to vote between 3:30 and 4:58 on Election Day, and that will include any time spent waiting in line. This is designed to make it much easier for these America haters to vote. It has nothing to do with the color of their skin – that’s our story and we’re sticking to it. We have yet to determine whether this will be AM or PM.

          Votes from California, New York, Massachusetts, Vermont and certain parts of Pennsylvania will no longer be counted as part of the popular vote. Other states that tend to vote for the wrong party will be on double secret probation.

          Masks, vaccines and any other measures other than the introduction of disinfectant and very powerful lights into the body will be outlawed as treatments for COVID or any other pandemics we might try to encourage. This has nothing to do with the fact that people of color are much more likely to die from such diseases than white people – that’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

          Any state that votes for a Democrat will immediately be subjected to a state-wide audit to be performed by secret companies that have no experience carrying out election audits, and are hired by Ratpublicans.

          Losing both the popular and Electoral College votes will not be sufficient to defeat any Ratpublican presidential candidate.

          We will petition the Extreme Court verify that America is a white nation that graciously tolerates dark-skinned people who will be immediately arrested for any perceived actions, words or thoughts that might infringe on this law.

We will continue to pack the court system with young, objectively unqualified, rabidly partisan hacks who will upend law after law, regardless of precedent, moral clarity, or relationship to democracy.

This is what we believe in. This is what we will do. Death to America.

There are quite a few more rotten planks that no one should risk walking on, let alone including in a major political party’s platform intended to become our nation’s policy. It was difficult enough hearing them. I am hoping I will be able to forget this entire assignment.

In other news of phony phuckwits, former one-term worst first lady Melania has expressed no interest whatsoever in being thrust back into public life. Too bad her opinion means about as much to her hubby as a world-wide virus pandemic featuring the deaths of more than 600,000 Americans that are not him.

I. Mangrey recovering. There is no sanity clause.