And
On The 15th Round A Speaker Was “Elected”
January 7, 2022
On the two-year
anniversary of bringing disgrace on the Capitol (not to mention the
Constitution and democracy), Ratpublicans could help but pile shame upon
disgrace on our nation once again. Only one single Ratpublican bothered to show
up as the nation honored law enforcement and election officials who stood up
for democracy in the face of hand-to-hand combat, slander, libel and death
threats. Ratpublicans were much too busy showing America and the world that they
are stunningly unfit to wield any power in any nation larger (or more real) than
the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
As if to flaunt their
unquestionable anti-democratic bona fides, Ratpublicans couldn't even have a
clean election among themselves. The party of gerrymandering districts into
oblivion, the party of perpetual racist voter disenfranchisement, the party who
cannot win the presidency via the popular vote, and the only party in our
nation’s history to need the Supreme Court to step and stop the vote count
before appointing the 44th president after all other means of
stealing the election failed. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you today’s
Ratfuckingpublican Party.
Chicken Kev
Ratpublicans finally
managed to install their very own Speaker of the House in the wee wee hours of
the fifth day of a political circus the likes of which we have not seen since before
the Civil War (which they intend to resurrect). This was only after a fellow
Ratpublican had to be physically restrained after appearing to lunge at Matt
Gaetz, but to be fair, who among us hasn’t fantasized about taking a swing or
ten at Matt Gaetz on any given day.
Ratpublicans could
not even manage to give their new “leader” an actual majority. It took a
procedural loophole to drag Kevin McCarthy – battered, bloodied, and now
toothless – across the finish line. This is why we can't have nice things. It must
be admitted however, that it takes a particular set of skills to simultaneously
win and lose an election.
A few months ago
McCarthy told a gathering, “I want you to watch Nancy Pelosi hand me that
gavel. It will be hard not to hit her with it.” Thankfully, McCarthy uttered
this gem before Pelosi’s husband was almost bludgeoned to death with a hammer
by a fairly typical Trump supporter. If McCarthy tries anything, Pelosi will
punch him in the face, she will go to jail, and she will be happy.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
happy thoughts.
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