April 8, 2024
Today, as millions
of Americans scramble to view the total eclipse of the Sun which, depending on
who you listen to is the manifestation of God’s wrath (I'm looking at you, EmptyG - bless your heart), the end of life on Earth
as we know it, or just another in a long string of celestial events that are
completely predictable. For example, we already know that the next total solar eclipse viewable in North America won't
be until August 23, 2044. Soon many dangerously unstable and frighteningly
ignorant people will be positing why that day was chosen – is it Antifa,
pregnant women, or maybe the Jews after their space lasers have all be
confiscated?
Instead of all that,
we here at Paying Attention™ have decided to gambol down memory lane at what
could have been a momentous day in American history, but alas, sputtered with a
whimper, barely remembered by all but the truly weird.
Long,
long ago, before the Trump Times (not to be confused with the End Times...well,
that actually remains to be seen), in a galaxy right where we all are, previous
worst president in American history George WTF Bush was almost killed by a
pretzel.
President
Moron briefly lost consciousness on January 13, 2002 after he choked on a
pretzel while watching football in his ill-gotten living quarters. Bush II fainted, then tumbled from
a couch to the floor. He bruised his lower lip and suffered an abrasion the
size of a half dollar on his left cheek (see image above, laugh and dream of
what might have been – forgetting for the moment that Dick
“Shoot-Em-In-The-Face” Cheney was VP). With Bush out of the way, Cheney would
have taken over. If Cheney was unable to end elections, he would have served
out Bush’s first, ill-gotten term and it would have been very unlikely Cheney
would have been elected on his own. And the Supreme Court would have at least
thought twice about appointing another president so soon after their first presidential
perfidy.
Professional
dumbass and the only president ever appointed by the Supreme Court (so far) after
they illegally stopped the counting of votes in Florida – the state whose
governor at the time was the brother of the losing/appointed-anyway candidate –
almost bought the farm at the “hands” of a patriotic Pennsylvania pretzel.
Hammond’s of Lancaster, Pennsylvania:
The Pretzel that almost saved America
Surely
there is some sort of heroic foodstuff that can come to America's rescue before
it’s too late. A courageous chicken bone? An overly-crispy French fry? Perhaps
a classified document Trump is trying to hide from authorities. You know he
still has a bunch of them stashed somewhere, and you know that he has a habit
of disposing of papers he’s too rushed or too fucking lazy to flush down the
toilet by stuffing them in his sphincteresque maw. After all, those documents
do belong to him...according to him, though no one else who follows the law
agrees.
I. Mangrey reporting. This story is making me thirsty.
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