So Much Stupid, So Little Time

A Stupid Trifecta

Here, there and everywhere, USA

April 13, 2013 

What Type Of Assault Weapon Would Jesus Use?

One good thing about the current debate on gun regulation, it’s nice to see all the crazed Second fund-Amendment-alists frantically scurrying around in a desperate attempt to protect their precious, fabled gun rights. They just can’t let go of their insane fetish with and interpretation of the second half of the Second Amendment, above which, for them there is no other. Let ‘em eat lead I say. It's interesting because my interpretation of the "right of the people to keep and bear arms" simply means that the government shall not, without proper cause, remove the upper limbs of its people. As you can see, I too can happily ignore all that militia nonsense that starts off the Second Amendment. And I assure you I know exactly what was in the minds of our Founding Fathers…even if they didn't.

The problem is the Second fund-Amendment-alists are a very dangerous bunch to go up against because so many of them are unhinged and all of them are armed, many of them – to the teeth. And behind those teeth are some very unstable reptilian brains. The Second fund-Amendment-alists are just beside themselves with angst over imminent changes to some gun laws. These self-imagined uber-patriots are a lot less likely to exercise their Second Amendment rights to protect the First Amendment than they are to suppress those who use the First Amendment to disagree with them. Take heart though, before long these knuckle-draggers will be stocking up on the drones Obama is helping to proliferate here and abroad. You're worried about North Korea taking out a major U.S. city? Maybe you should focus on South Carolina.

Meanwhile Congress is bending over barely to determine just exactly what is the least they can do to decrease the number of gun massacres in America. We're supposed to be very excited over the Grand Background Check Bargain they're using to misdirect our attention away from the fact that they won't even talk about banning assault weapons or military-sized magazines. Remember, the Congress is essentially a Halfway House of Representatives for ex-lobyists or soon-to-be lobbyists, so they must be very wary not to antagonize their previous employers, whom they are in Congress to service, or their near-future employers for whom they are finding ways to be of value when they leave "public service" for loftier paychecks.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does 

While we're on the subject, the man whose face is in the dictionary next to the word stupid – George W. Bush – is having his “presidential” "library" open its doors to the public on the ten-year anniversary of Bush’s MORON MISSION ACCOMPLISHED declaration – approximately ten years before his illegal, miserably wrong, staggeringly failed, stupid war in Iraq finally ground to its excruciating halt. I'm sure each and every annual visitor to this "lie-brary" will be simply enthralled by the collection of coloring books, The Very Hungry Caterpillar and reams of massively redacted official documents filling the House That Bush Built. And of course you will be able to see every copy ever printed of his recent autobiography, "Delusion Decision Points."

George W. Bush greeting a roomful of blind well-wishers 

Exxon Is As Exxon Does; There's No "U" In Exxon

Finally, the stupidest of all...the Fourth (and most powerful) Branch of Government, The Oil Industry. There were 364 oil pipeline spills in 2012. Exxon, the perpetrator of the latest oil debacle in Mayflower, Arkansas, was seen (despite their best efforts to keep the public from knowing by banning the reporters, photographers and curious citizens and acquiring a no-fly zone over the disaster area courtesy of their Halfway House of Representatives) sopping up the toxic sludge with paper towels. Paper towels. Because the most profitable company on the face of the Earth can easily afford to take all necessary precautions and be ready to respond to any problem at a moment’s notice. After all it’s just common courtesy. Did I mention that in 2013, with a horrendous track record of discharging gobs of oil all over the planet for decades, Exxon is using paper towels to sop up the most toxic, dangerous form of petroleum we have ever seen? Paper towels.

Actual photo of Exxon's super high-tech clean-up in Arkansas 

In fact, Exxon, which pays almost zero taxes while getting over ten billion dollars in tax subsidies and pulling in record profits, is claiming that this isn't an oil spill. Thanks to the Halfway House of Representatives they can call it a Bitumen event since tar sands oil is so different from all the other kinds of petroleum substances. Tar sands oil is so cool because unlike other petroleum substances it doesn't float on water…it sinks. Isn't that special. Coming soon to a neighborhood near you, since the rotting, ancient pipelines that carry this crap are just about everywhere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FkoIS41v30

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible tax subsidies (for me) invited.

Stupidity Is Stranger Than Fiction

The God, The Bad and The Unbelievable

March 29, 2013

Worst Book Report Ever

If you haven’t seen the new miniseries, The Bible, consider yourself lucky. Rumor has it that God is turning over in His (or Her) grave. The Hitler History Channel miniseries, produced by Roma Downey and her husband, Mark Burnett, the guy who brought you Survivor and Celebrity Apprentice. So you know it’s got to be something special. SPOILER ALERT: Jesus gets thrown off the island crucified. The new miniseries, which the producer says will get over a billion new people to open up a Bible, also boasts his wife, who looks like she’s had her face tightened up so much that her navel is just below her nose, as the Virgin Mary (who appears nowhere in the Bible I grew up with, but that’s a He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named of a different feather altogether). Personally I plan to make every effort to miss each griping episode, no matter how many times they are aired.

Downey and Burnett with best bud and famous psycho Glen Beck



The Mouth That Roared

In other news of the rich and vapid, Donald Chump Trump who bullied an entire town on the Scottish coast into selling their homes so he could build one (apparently two actually) more useless golf course on what is now one less environmentally sensitive and unspoiled area, is throwing yet another of his patented hissy fits because of the potential erection of a wind farm right next to his precious new playground for the ne'er-do-well-to-do. Not content with the damage he's already done, forcing people from their homes and destroying the local landscape,  The Hair That Roared is hot to build a second course right next to the one he just had built. The man who wouldn’t know an eyesore if it stared him in the mirror every single day for decades thinks the wind turbines will foul the view of his grotesque mutilation of this previously exquisite section of Scottish coastline.

This coastline features a unique dune ecosystem, which provides scientists tremendous insight into the interaction between the ocean and the coastline, particularly as regards climate change. Or at least it once did.

This pig-in-weasel’s-clothing continues his classless assault on the human race as he careens toward his fifth round of bankruptcy. Apparently the enormous amount of money pumped into the project enabled English golf architect Martin Hawtree to disfigure the land to an unprecedented degree. Who could ask for more? It seems Trump's golf architect has done for the Scottish coastline what Trump has done for human hair design. Permission was initially denied by the local Aberdeenshire Council, whose decision was overturned by the Scottish government's claim that it was in Scotland's best interests…that and the likely massive bribes proffered by The Douchebag Donald.

Supreme Ignorance

Finally, our esteemed Supreme Court is showing off its unique brilliance as it battles against civil rights for gays and lesbians. Anthrax Antonin Scalia repeatedly referred to California's female Attorney General Kamala Harris, who along with her state's governor refused to defend Proposition 8 finding it unconstitutional, as "he." Not sure what that's about - I'll assume it's just blinkered-philistine-pig-ignorance with a side of misogyny. Scalia, as is now becoming a weekly event, cited non-existent research saying that same-sex couples are damaging their children and Sam "The Sham" Alito worries that gay marriage is "newer than cell phones or the internet" and is therefore too new for the High Court to discuss. One can't help but wonder if he takes his head out of his ass to use his cell phone. It would seem that Alito would prefer a more gradual progression of fair treatment under the law, like we saw with women's suffrage, equal voting rights and inter-racial marriage. Because America's stance on those issues over the years made us look so intelligent and civilized. Thankfully the more evolved, liberal (i.e., non-hate-mongering) justices are doing a good job of keeping their less coherent brethren in check. Clarence Thomas remains in a virtual coma.

She Quits, Mouth Runs, All Errors

Also, Sarah Palin just can't STFU.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Rage against the machine invited.

 

The Punk, The Godfather and A Bumbling Bush

White Gets In Your Eyes

Around the World and into your face

March 16, 2013

Well, there was white smoke at The Vatican, but all we’ve got in Washington, D(ou)C(he) is a White Schmuck, by the name of Paul Ryan. The 2012 losing VP candidate has unleashed his “new” “budget” proposal on an incredibly underwhelmed public. Though it’s not completely white - he did manage to string together a few words, but of course there are no numbers - there’s plenty of smoke and more than a modicum of mirrors in Ryan’s “latest” façade of a budget. It's just a repackaged version of the budget the dress-and-lipstickless version of Sarah Palin waved around during the catastrophic Romney/Ryan campaign to ru(i)n America. America despised his budget last fall and they will continue to loathe it now. The Great White Poop continues to channel the right wing's most beloved psychopath Ayn Rand's hatred of everyone making less than $250K a year, and combined her inimitable charm with the unwavering resoluteness of persona non grata George W. Bush. Can you say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

At least Ryan is consistent. He persists in holding to his vicious principals (except when he denounced his biggest political influence, Ayn Rand, during the 2012 campaign), the centerpiece of which is, of course, repealing Obamacare despite the fact that a large majority of the American people just thumbed their collective nose at his Randian rubbish, preferring a foreign-born, America-hating, not-entirely-white, secret Muslim to the Tea Party Darling and his anti-47% running mate. Our dashing young dipshit also seems to have missed the news that the ultra-conservative Supreme Court pronounced Obamacare legal.

Ryan also continues his crusade to kill Medicare and Medicaid, and I quote “...because we’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.” Most people assume this was merely a Freudian slip, but as we saw with this man who clearly pays more attention to his body than his brain, and his human-etch-a-sketch running mate, they don't like most Americans and they certainly don't like the government helping those making under $250K/yr. The feeling is mutual.

"Ayn Rand wouldn't kick me out of bed."

I'm sure Ryan feels right at home with the Republican'ts in the House of "Representatives" who just unanimously voted down any increase in the minimum wage. Republican'ts, who only remain a majority in the House because of very creative and extraordinarily cynical redistricting, insist that allowing workers to afford food, clothing and shelter all at the same time would increase unemployment when what they're really angry about is that unemployment is steadily declining under our re-elected Kenyan/Muslim/Marxist/socialist president. Hey Boehner, is that a gun barrel in your mouth or are you just glad to see me?

"If I don't get a drink soon, I'm gonna gavel myself to death."

 

In related white smoke - or at least white - news, Antonin Scalia has taken the other eight Supreme Court justices hostage claiming that the new Pope was not properly elected. In a crayon-written note thrown at an anxious S.W.A.T. team stationed outside the Court, Scalia charged, “Once you give a small unelected group the unchallenged power to elect their chosen one to a very prestigious office it’s very hard to change the rules. Just like allowing nig black people to vote without any restrictions, as a form of racial entitlement, your country, or church or what-have-you is doomed. We cannot allow this pro-working-class archbishop, though in his defense he is virulently anti-gay, to take over the Vatican. Especially since there is a perfectly viable Pope emeritus still lurking nearby." Scalia told the press that he will not release his colleagues until he, and he alone, is given the power to name the next Pope or until Clarence Thomas says something intelligent during oral arguments. "Hey I was the guy who named our 43^rd president and he did a heck of a job. I'm the guy who understands the Founding Fathers' original intent and it so happens that I also know who Jesus' original intent. All I want is to appoint one damn Pope. And then I can go back to beating down the poor, the blacks, the gays, women and everyone making under $250K a year."

In even more news of the criminally dim and repugnant, Jeb Bush, apparently determined to out flip-flop Willard Romney as he kicks off his 2016 presidential campaign, “My guess is that history will be kind to my brother, the further out you get from this and the more people compare his tenure to what’s going on now. I think history will be kind to George W. Bush.” ^* The younger Bush continued, "I'm proud to be the son and brother of presidents of the United States. Not many people can say that, and probably nobody would admit it under the current circumstances, but what the hey, at least none of us is my brother Neil or my other brother Marvin, both of whom are felons more or less. In any event, my name is Jeb Washington and I approve this message." ^**

Which one is the drunk and which one is just Bush being Bush?

 

Stay tuned to this channel for further news of the hapless, helpless, hopeless and horrifying.

^*actual quote

^**actual fake quote 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Reprehensible comment invited.

Antonin Scalia, Man of The (Rich, White) People

Scalia v. Justice
Protecting The Vote For White People and Corporations

The Supreme Court

March 2, 2013

I apologize for using the words justice and Antonin Scalia on the same page. It is beyond oxymoronic. The self-outed Tea Party Justice not to be confused with the eternally silent (while sitting on the bench at least) husband of outspoken, Tea addled Ginny Thomas, famous drunk-dialer of her husband's sexual harassment victim Anita Hill. Scalia, a clearly politically-biased judge, who hides behind his besotted insistence that he and he alone understands the minds of our Founding Fathers, still believes himself an originalist even after breaking the law by appointing our 43^rd president against the clear wishes of the American electorate. 

Scalia, the man who brought you “president” George W. Bush last year took it upon himself to regale the Supreme Court, government attorneys and the American public with Tea Party truthiness in his blatant attempt to derail the Affordable Health Care for Americans Act - now known as Obamacare. During oral arguments Scalia sounded more like Bill O’Reilly than a Supreme Court justice.  He compared health care to broccoli, bemoaning the possibility that the federal government might force people to buy broccoli after making medical insurance mandatory. How many people have gone bankrupt for wont of broccoli?

 

Because flipping the bird is too common

Scalia and his fellow travelers next reversed a century of legal precedent in destroying what semblance of democracy of, by and for the people remains with the vastly unpopular Citizens’ United decision. This outrageous decision all but assures that American politicians will be wholly owned by large corporations and perhaps foreign interests who can afford to influence elections at every level under the loving protection of this Supreme Court derision. These are not justices. They are political operatives albeit unelected ones.

This yutz, who calls himself an originalist, implying he is able to interpret the original intent of the Founders with Pope-like infallibility (something of which the Founders themselves were wholly incapable), thinks the 1965 Voting Rights Act is passé, while simultaneously asserting that the Second Amendment, written in 1791, applies perfectly well to assault weapons, grenade launchers and 100-round magazines for the mentally ill and suspected terrorists, and not just the original intent, which was musket-baring militias. Maybe Scalia's originalism is harkening back to the days of the Founders, who unfortunately couldn't even afford blacks personhood, let alone suffrage. Maybe Scalia should take a cue from the real Pope and begin his retirement now.

Republican'ts over the years have decried activist judges, which apparently means anyone to the left of Robert Bork. The current Court has done more legislating from the bench than should be possible in a democracy where the People are supposed to have the last say.

Now the esteemed court is taking a look at The Voting Rights Act, which in part ensures that Alaska, Arizona, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina and Virginia – all states with histories of...let’s call it discrimination – cannot suddenly decide to change their voting laws. Since the act passed in 1965 Congress has, by larger and larger margins, voted to extend it. Congress worked overtime to decide whether or not to extend it in 2006. They decided it was still necessary, voting overwhelmingly to extend it. Even the Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of the Voting Rights Act four times over forty years. But now Scalia, Roberts and Uncle Thomas are going to just spit on precedent and voting equality?

Scalia, during oral arguments on extending the Voting Rights Act this week growled, “This is not the kind of a question you can leave to Congress. There are certain districts in the House that are black districts by law just about now. And even the Virginia Senators, they have no interest in voting against this. The State government is not their government, and they are going to lose votes if they do not re-enact the Voting Rights Act. Even the name of it is wonderful: The Voting Rights Act. Who is going to vote against that in the future?” Not content that he had raised his racist bona fides high enough he continued, “This last enactment, not a single vote in the Senate against it. And the House is pretty much the same. Now, I don’t think that’s attributable to the fact that it is so much clearer now that we need this. I think it is attributable, very likely attributable, to a phenomenon that is called perpetuation of racial entitlement. It’s been written about. Whenever a society adopts racial entitlements, it is very difficult to get out of them through the normal political processes.” So this pompous, perpetual putz thinks that voting is a "perpetuation of racial entitlement?" Go fuck yourself figure.

Add to this Chimp Chief Justice John Roberts who, starting in his late 20s as one of Ronald Reagan’s sadistic minions, spent much of his legal career trying to destroy the Voting Rights Act. Roberts chose to fabricate statistics to support his disgraceful position during his oral arguments last week. I wonder if these guys have pointy hoods to go with their "judicial" robes.

Clarence Thomas...just watching. As always.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Righteous indignation invited.

Putzpourri

Neither Snow Nor Rant Nor Heat Nor Gloom Of Night Stays The Stupid
From The Swift Completion Of Their Pointed Heads

Everywhere, USA
February 15, 2013

The United States Postal Service was explicitly authorized by the Constitution probably because it democratized the ability of all citizens to send and receive messages regardless of economic status or geographic circumstances while ensuring the privacy of said correspondence. Like everything else in those days it didn’t do much for blacks or Indians but, hey nobody’s perfect. Benjamin Franklin was America’s first Postmaster General, a post which became a cabinet-level position in 1792. I like Ben. Maybe that’s why I like the Postal Service so much.

Personally I think our postal service is one of the most amazing things going, especially now that even blacks and Indians can use it. You can send a letter anywhere in the United States for under fifty cents - not that anyone does, but you could if you wanted to. You can send packages anywhere in the States for a very reasonable price and they deliver anything you want right to your door. Sure they do what they do because the Constitution mandates it, but I’m pretty sure no private concern will ever perform like the USPS. They would simply tell people who live in inconvenient locales to take a hike…literally - these people will have to take a hike to get to a place convenient to whatever greed-based-corporate-blood-sucker oozes in to replace the USPS - to get their mail if we lose our current delivery system.

USPS couldn’t do anything without asking Congress until 2006. They couldn’t change the price of stamps, their hours of operation, close post offices in poorly accessible rural areas or stop delivering mail because of snow, rain, heat or gloom of night or because it’s Saturday, without Congress saying so.

Like so many other things in America and throughout the world, the USPS was put on a path-to-destruction, i.e. privatization during the George W. Bush outbreak whose Republican’t majority congress caused USPS to fund its pension seventy-five years into the future. No other business, public or private has to do anything even vaguely resembling this. No business could stay afloat under such conditions and strangely enough, the USPS keeps losing money. Thanks to this misanthropy the USPS is currently $20 billion in debt instead of having a $1.2 billion surplus, which it would have had if the deranged Republican’t law hadn’t been passed. Yet the USPS is entirely self-funded and takes no tax money to operate.

Truth be told, many hugely profitable private businesses simply trashed their workers’ pensions in the past decade or so, and the only ones who lost any sleep over it were those very workers. Speaking of workers, the USPS is one of the largest employers in the country and eliminating Saturday delivery will eliminate at least 25,000 jobs. The Republican’t congress in 2006, with no complaint from George W, made the Postal Service live under impossible conditions while the “president” and his know-nothing congress put two wars – one of which was illegal – on the nation’s credit card for eight years and made the country go broke. This asshat wasn’t willing or able to fund the actions he was taking while he was taking them but he thought it would be okay to make the Post Office fund pensions for three-quarters-of-a-century.

I think it says something about Americans that so many will fight tooth and nail for their guns, claiming it’s important to honor the Constitution, technically only a small section of one Amendment, but throwing a Constitutionally created and sanctioned, totally awesome and totally job-creating US Postal Service under the bus - no biggie.

Never content with merely destroying just one time-honored institution that makes life easier for every American, Tea Brains are pushing Congress to vote against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act, claiming it provides too much protection for women. Ya gotta love these big palookas, at least they say what’s up their asses on their minds. Do any of these geniuses have wives or girlfriends? If they were legitimate public servants we’d have a way of shutting their whole thing down. Republican’t State of the Union rebutter, Marco Rubio voted against reauthorizing VAWA just hours before delivering his State of the Useless tirade. Please continue Senator.

Rubio lunging for his water bottle midway through his inane SOTU response

Lastly, Barack Obama just got one of the most powerful endorsements for his new cabinet picks he could ever hope for - Dick Cheney. Yes, Dick Cheney, the man who shot his friend in the face, mistaking him for a flightless bird, and stole a dead girl’s heart, emerged from his death bed to spew more bile into the air whose oxygen and nitrogen (and minute amounts of other gases) he continues to consume and violate for no discernible useful purpose. Cheney is dead-set against all of Obama’s picks, one can only assume on grounds that they are not sufficiently filled with greed and loathing.

The Least Popular Political Figure in America (perhaps in all of American history), Cheney knows quality when he sees it. After all, following an exhaustive search of his entire bathroom he finally found the running mate George W. Bush sent him to unearth. Nobody could have anticipated that person would be right there in Cheney’s mirror. Even more surprising, who could have guessed that Cheney had a reflection? And speaking of high-quality appointments, Cheney had the good fortune to serve with the great Donald Rumsfeld, the unforgettable Secretary of Defense - the job Chuck Hagel wants - and the ever-misunderestimated Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State - John Kerry’s new job. In a recent interview Cheney rattled off answers to a series of questions, but when asked what his main fault was he paused and looked down at what I assume was the gun in his lap, finally answering, "my main fault. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my faults, I guess, would be the answer." Guess again you lying, murderous reptile.

Needless to say, Cheney’s latest caterwaul was not greeted as liberating. I think he is in the last throes, if you will, of his insurgency.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible disdain for Cheney invited.

Walk Softly And Carry A Huge Purse

Weapon Of Choice
Choice Of Weapon

Capitol Offense Hill
January 31, 2013

You can't make this stuff up folks. Gayle Trotter, Senior Fellow at the Independent Women's Forum, insists on a woman's right to choose. You might want to know that the right to choose Ms. Trotter is so vigorously fighting for is the right for a woman to choose what weapon she wants to wield in order to protect herself from a horror-movie-like attack inside her own home. Trotter explained during her Senate testimony that, "Young women are speaking out as to why AR-15 weapons are their weapon of choice. The guns are accurate. They have good handling. They're light. They're easy for women to hold." And as we've learned over and over again, they're also easy for kids to take to school for Show-and-Kill.

Gayle Trotter, Gun Violence Lover
Placing a call to God

She is dead-set against a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body of course. In fact last year she even opposed the Violence Against Women Act, which gives women the right to choose to be beaten, raped and abused less often or at least to choose to see their attacker brought to justice. This is naturally something that Republican'ts feel could set dangerous precedents for men who need to perpetrate violence against women or worse yet, for their God who occasionally needs to watch women bear their rapist's child. There are some things a woman just shouldn't be allowed to choose.

Trotter, rather than present salient facts supporting everywoman's right to pump forty or eighty rounds into any would-be intruder - say a wayward teen who accidentally pulled into her driveway as a result of an errant GPS - instead chose to paint a Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-esque tableau during her Senate testimony. The Senate Mice, just looking for a good excuse to back away from creating sensible gun legislation, were treated to a brain-rending story of a young mother opening her front door to a band of hardened criminals "as she’s facing three, four, five violent attackers, intruders in her home with her children screaming in the background, the peace of mind that she has knowing that she has a scary looking gun gives her more courage when she’s fighting hardened violent criminals." Where the hell does this woman live? Yemen? Texas? Maybe she should have a peephole installed to avoid opening the door to three, four, five men of unknown intent, especially if her babies are back there screaming and unarmed in the background. Do the words psychotic hypocrite ring a bell?

Interestingly, she and her merry band of armed loonies produced not one single case of an assault-style weapon or Rambo-sized magazine being used for defense purposes during their tortured testimony. All actual examples presented, mouth-watering fantasy-attack scenarios aside, were normal guns with normal capacities being successfully wielded in self-defense. Speaking of Rambo, even Stallone himself has come out in favor of banning assault weapons, "I know people get (upset) and go, 'They're going to take away the assault weapon.' Who ... needs an assault weapon? Like really, unless you're carrying out an assault. ... You can't hunt with it. ... Who's going to attack your house, a (expletive) army?" Apparently Mr. Stallone has never spent a weekend at the Krueger Trotter house.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Reprehensible comment invited.

A Paul Appalls

Son Of Son Of Paul Beats Woman A Hasty Retreat 

Westworld

January 16, 2013 

It was recently learned that the teenage son of Senator Rand Paul (R-YFKM), ditsy pseudo-libertarian son of pseudo-libertarian, semi-closeted-anti-Semite and perennial presidential candidate, soon-to-be-ex-congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) was arrested for under-age drinking and assaulting a female flight attendant during the first week of the new year. Rumors that Skippy William was still inebriated from his New Year's Eve festivities remain unsubstantiated, so it is assumed that the 19 year old was freshly lit to the gills. To be fair, I imagine tempers were short throughout the aircraft on the very long flight from Lexington, KY to Charlotte, VA - a grueling hour-long ordeal. Who among us could make it through such an arduous expedition without consuming enough alcohol to make you want to assault a woman in plain sight on a small plane? This of course presumes the younger Paul was not inclined to assault women as a general rule. 

Senator Paul, while admitting some disappointment in his son, mainly for getting caught, held a brief press conference to address the emotional issue. “Now look, this is supposed to be a free country and I don’t see how we can, in good conscience, put such harsh restrictions on our young people, where they can’t even get drunk and assault the occasional flight attendant,” said the semi-older Paul. “He was just exercising his genetic endowment and his freedom of stupidity just like it says in the Second Amendment...or one of those amendments. It hardly matters which one really. The point is, that our Founding Fathers were some pretty heavy drinkers and they never intended for us to have a legal age for abusing alcohol and punching out a few working class losers. They didn't even think women should be allowed to vote. This kind of behavior really harkens back to the great Boston Tea Party when those brave patriots, disguised as Indians in order to avoid being recognized, threw that tea into the harbor to demonstrate their God-given right to drink beer and whiskey and not that stupid British tea they were forced to drink by that tyrant George III." When reminded that most members of the original Tea Party crowd were born tea drinkers and essentially British themselves, Senator Paul snarled and walked out on the press conference.

The older elder Paul could not be reached for comment. The younger elder Paul could not even be found for the purpose of declining further comment. He is now busy preparing to fight any sort of gun control such as that just ordered by President Obama and supported by the American people. “I’m against having a king,” Paul the dumber younger said Monday. One might be forgiven for assuming he is most upset with his son for not taking a shot at that flight attendant, just to show his patriotism. 

 

Sen. Rand Paul in Westworld re-enactment

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible drinking (sans assaulting women) invited.

America Celebrates, Drinks and Goes Home

You’re Not Actually Paranoid If You Spent Your Entire Career Pissing Everyone Off And Ended Your Public Life In Disgrace After Illegally Bombing Cambodia And Covering Up The Break-in Of Your Opponent’s Campaign Headquarters, Causing Just About Everyone To Despise You For Good Reason

Nixonland
January 10, 2013

Just had to give a big fuck you shout out to our 37^th president, Richard M. Nixon who was the only American president ever to resign in disgrace (and that even includes the walking definition of disgrace, George W. Bush), after what became known as Watergate. If you don’t know about this, look it up. I’m pretty sure it was in the Washington Post. Nixon would have been one hundred years disgusting old yesterday. One of the most enduring legacies Tricky Dick left behind was the "-gate" suffix often affixed to any appallingly scandalous episode.



I had never seen or heard this quote from December 14, 1972, just a few weeks after Nixon secured the second term he would eventually relinquish to Gerald Ford, who was appointed vice-president after Nixon's second in dishonor command - Spiro Agnew - resigned due to criminal charges of which he was eventually found guilty, paving the way for Nixon's ultimate legacy of shame and paranoia: “Also, never forget: the press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Write that on the blackboard 100 times and never forget it.”



Somehow this bastion of Republican't hubris presided over the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, Consumer Protection Safety Commission, Title IX, the Social Security Administration and the “Cost-of-Living Adjustment." Most of these more by accident of history than a keen sense of right-and-wrong.  Nonetheless this kind of unseemly behavior would have caused the Tea Party to run him out of town on an assault rifle in today’s political climate.

In other news of the morally and intellectually challenged, Fox News host and alleged mammal Eric Bolling is trying to sell the idea, long ago debunked by everyone else on the planet, that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks.  Rumor has it that Bolling is currently at work on a documentary outlining proof that the Sun revolves around the Earth.  Stay stupid my friend.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible irresponsibility invited.

I Have Seen The Future...or Something Like It

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Somewhere In The Known Universe

January 1, 2013

Following a long night of intense "meditation" with many dear friends followed by what I can only assume was a period of deep medication meditation induced sleep, the New Year's "morning" Sun has "coaxed" me back to ordinary reality after my conscious mind temporarily stepped aside allowing the connection with all of time and space each of us hides inside us, to reveal many great secrets of the future. Of course the future is what we make it, not merely what some formless, very possibly non-existent universal essence imparts as prophesy to any mere mortal. But what the hell, we hairless apes just eat this shit up. However, for our own pieces of mind we must take such predictions with a grain of salt, a pinch of garlic and a whole mess of unscented bathroom tissue. As always, keep on your toes…not on anyone else's; keep your nose and genitals clean and protect your precious bodily fluids. And with that I give you my Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle for 2013…

January 28, 2013: Willard Mitt Romney will narrowly escape death and serious hair damage in a freak car elevator accident. Authorities will discover that Willard was hopped up on Coke and Marlboros and had been riding up and down in the elevator for twelve hours. Romney will then enter a Mormon rehab facility from which he will emerge with a heroin habit.

February 13, 2013: Dan Quayle will throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election. He will eventually fail to qualify for any primaries being able to submit only one petition with exactly one name on it.

February 28, 2013: Republican't governors will band together to outlaw abortions, gun regulations, unions, minimum wage, gay rights, Democrats, science being taught in schools and women working outside the home. "Hey, we didn't reinstate slavery," said a spokeswhiteman.

March 15, 2013: Sarah Palin will say 147 incredibly stupid things in 23 days causing her to lose her new Fux News show "Being The One Talking Is Me" after only one month. For example, "Having been a candidate of the vice presidency race, I can tell you exactly that going through the mind of Joe Biden is his running for president in 2016 as can be thought of as something thought about by others such as myself too," and "As is known by all of us, the president, Obama, having been born in an unknown place or country, he is unwilling to lead this country or even appear on my show, which has been requested by me for the purpose of his questioning thereof." And perhaps her greatest revelation, "I can  see myself in the mirror every time I look at it."

March 25, 2013 (just after sundown): Jesus will return to Earth and endorse Obamacare just before driving the money-changers from the Senate and the House of Representatives, smiting Pat Robertson, hurling expletives in Yiddish and then disappearing in a puff of strange smelling smoke and an ear-splitting, "Oy vey."

 

 

April 1, 2013: Bill O'Reilly's head will literally explode on air after it is revealed by the hacktivist collective Anonymous hacking into his broadcast, that he is in fact Ann Coulter.

May 1, 2013: NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, shortly after being punched in the nose by Gabby Giffords, will be shot repeatedly while speaking at a hastily convened NRA rally the day after he shot up a movie theater, a crowded diner and a busy mall food court. He will say he committed these acts to show the importance of arming the entire U.S. population, which could have prevented his heinous massacres. Having survived these injuries he will be non-fatally shot more than once a week for four months as he travels the country espousing more-guns-in-more-hands, each time while clutching an assault rifle in his cold not-quite-dead hands. LaPierre will finally take his own life by tripping and falling while attempting to enter the grounds of the White House wearing an explosive vest.

June 21, 2013: A previously unknown Mayan calendar will be found with the end of time specified only as Tuesday, 4:20 p.m. 

July 31, 2013: The Ronald Reagan Ballroom, site of a conference of climate change deniers will be lifted up out of the parking lot and into the sky, having been separated from the remainder of the Holiday Inn in San Diego by a freak tornado, and smashed to smithereens twenty miles off the California coast after colliding with a huge chunk of glacier that just happened to be in the neighborhood.

 

 

August 3,2013: John McCain will single-handedly invade Syria in a final bid to get one up on Barack Obama.

September 24, 2013: Donald Trump will be strangled to death by his own hair due to the same freak tornado (longest sustained tornado on record) that abruptly halted the climate change deniers ball on July 31^st. His preserved corpse will continue to host Celebrity Apprentice for three more dismal seasons.

 

October 31, 2013: Weekly fiscal cliff/debt ceiling negotiations keep a riveted nation on pins-and-needles. Each time an agreement is reached it carries with it a six day expiration - hence the weekly crisis.

November 4, 2013: Clarence Thomas will utter his first word ever during oral arguments in the landmark case Obama v. State of Arizona, attempting to settle once and for all the critical issue of where the current president was born. The word Thomas will speak: "Huh?" The decision ended up being delayed when Antonin Scalia was rushed to the hospital after falling out of his chair, shocked by Thomas' unexpected utterance. Scalia's thick skull was undamaged while shattering the oak floor beneath him, but an artery in his arm was severed by the splintering wood. His condition remains uncertain - not that we were that sure of his mental state prior to the accident.

December 31, 2013: Colorado and Washington will be the only two states not to declare bankruptcy due to the enormous influx of cash brought in by taxing marijuana sales.

 

 

 

 

I. Mangrey predicting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible confusion invited.