Newt vs. Penguin

St. Louis Zoo

April 20, 2012

While not nearly as exciting as Godzilla vs. Mothra or even Seymour vs. The Frogman, this bit of Newt news shouldn’t be missed.  Newt was visiting the St. Louis Zoo earlier this week desperately wooing the only demographic likely to favor him in any election.  All polling shows that Newt does best among non-mammals, especially those incarcerated for public abusement.   As Newt made his way through the various snails, lizards, birds and insects he stopped to spend some extra time with the penguins.  Newt became enraged by something one of the penguins said about his failures political and personal and began lecturing the bemused creature.  Pompous and overbearing as always, the lesser beast began arrogantly gesturing with his finger causing the penguin to nip Newt’s disrespectful digit.

Mr. Gingrich sustained only a mild injury before the Secret Service ditched their hookers and wrestled the enraged bird to the ground.  Several of the agents then had to be forcibly separated from the penguin unable to stop stroking the now horrified fowl.

While Gingrich received a band-aid the penguin almost immediately swelled up to almost twice its original size and subsequently refused to return to its long-time mate.  We will update you on the penguin’s condition as details become available.  We will not update you on Gingrich for any reason whatsoever.