I Kid You Not. And Then I Kid You.

Don’t Be An April Fool. This Is Not A Joke.

Splitsville
April 1, 2016

From the Editor

Dear Readers,

Do not let the date atop this post fool you. This is a bit more serious than our usual fare here at Paying Attention. As we watch with a mix of horror and delight the psychotic ranting of neo-fascist Donald Chrump and the surprising rise and momentum of democratic socialist Bernie Sanders respectively, a pattern seems to be further solidifying across the American political landscape. Fissures forming. Alliances arising. Conundrums coalescing. With any luck our two-party system is poised to metamorphose after too long a time in stasis.

Mitosis: process in which a cell nucleus splits in two, followed by division of the parent cell into two daughter cells. (After this it is customary for certain religious zealots to protect this “person” right up until the actual moment of birth. Then all bets are off.)

Both major parties are undergoing mitosis. The result is different than the biological event in that instead of just two distinctive offspring, a third entity lingers. The result might be properly depicted as a turd-filled Oreo – with the Tea Party on one side and the Sanders/Occupy Wing on the other. Each ‘cookie’ is, for better or worse, a populist movement – one really is populist and deeply committed to making life better for the many; the other believes it is populist, but on some deep level favors wealth/corporatism and every-man-(literally)-for-himself over the actual plight of people within a society. The festering turd filling consists of the old school Republican conservatives and the conservative Democrats. They are corporate lackeys. Period.

Do Not Eat! The middle is not chocolate cream!

The Tea Party has seen its crescendo; its “best” days are behind it. The Sanders/Occupy Wing is just finding its legs and is probably somewhat bigger than it appears. Some voters and politicians claiming to support The Middle, which despite protests to the contrary is where Hillary Clinton spends most of her time, do so not as much because they oppose Sanders, but because they have succumbed to the notion that only Clinton can win the general election. They may be right. Maybe not.

Either way the future of the rigid two-party system in America is on thin ice. Here’s to political climate change.

Ed Venture
Editor, Paying Attention

Now For The April Fool

Chrump Glower
April Firstier, 2016

The presidential election season is nearing playoff time. The Republican’ts have whittled their frightening field of freakish frauds from a cast of thousands to the Final Three. Two certifiable psychos and a dweeby governor. The Republican’t frontrunner, who has occupied the driver’s seat since he squeezed into the clown car, is scaring the crap out of most of the American electorate as well as the rest of the known world.

Clearly these two have more in common than their micro-penises and bad hair.

Why Does Chrump Hate Our Freedoms

Chrump wants to kneecap the First Amendment because unpleasant things have been said about him. He insists that the United States should ban all Muslims, which is exactly what ISIS wants for recruiting purposes. But do not worry because Chrump is obsessed with torturing people in violation of our laws so he will show them who is boss. I know there is nothing in the Constitution about demeaning women…Chrump just does that out of the goodness of his heart. Absolutely free of charge.

Chrump waxes presidential about the Constitution

The Economist Intelligence Unit is a esteemed world leader in economic analysis and global threat forecasts. The 170 year-old journal’s well-regarded global economic analysts base their forecasts on a variety of factors. They warned that the “negative economic impact of a Trump presidency on the world’s economy would be worse than a monumental rise in global Islamist terrorism.” The good news is that they rated a Chrump presidency as potentially somewhat less catastrophic than a new Cold War. But who cares what a bunch of Brits think anyway. We are Americans; we only care what Americans think.

What Some Americans Think

An open letter to The Chrump signed by 121 members of the Republican national security community ended with this:

“Mr. Trump’s own statements lead us to conclude that as president, he would use the authority of his office to act in ways that make America less safe, and which would diminish our standing in the world. Furthermore, his expansive view of how presidential power should be wielded against his detractors poses a distinct threat to civil liberty in the United States. Therefore, as committed and loyal Republicans, we are unable to support a Party ticket with Mr. Trump at its head. We commit ourselves to working energetically to prevent the election of someone so utterly unfitted to the office.”

I am sure this is not such a big deal, just 121 Republican security experts. What the hell do they know? They are not people who Chrump consults on security issues. For such important matters he knows better than to talk to strangers who know stuff. He talks to himself when the stakes are this high. The problem is he just doesn’t listen. Or does he? He is not gullible enough to trust such a douchebag. Or is he?

He Loves Women. He Cherishes Women.*

Just to prove what a serious political figure he is Chrump has played his Ass-in-the-Hole – the my-wife-is-better-looking-than-your-wife-and-besides-he-started-it card. Nobody saw this one coming. To be fair, Chrump’s latest wife is an ex-model and Cruz’s wife is married to the man with the most punch-worthy face in America. And that is not me being rude; it is a scientific fact. I don’t know what the current Mrs. Chrump sees in the buffoon with the tiny hands and micro-penis, but that’s not for me to say. At least they are finally talking about the issues that really matter. Nyaah, nyaaah, nyaaah.

Nobody respects women more than Chrump. He said so himself. Nobody. He is the best. The best. Everyone knows it. Everyone. Except 75% of American women.

Women on Chrump on women

*April Fools!

Chrump be great president. Chrump have very good brain.
Chrump stop ISIS. Chrump have large penis.

I. Mangrey reporting. Is that a wall you’re building or are you just glad to see me?
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                    Mad in USA