Resignation Day(s) - Day One

August 8, 2020

Deep Float

I usually open my annual celebration with “Happy Resignation Day(s)”, but it’s very hard to muster up more than a modicum of happy these days. I have bitten my nails down to the wrists already and there are still 87 cheating days left until Election Day. Typically, visions of Nixon’s impeachment dancing in my head cheer me up for a few days this time of year.

Desperate attempt to cheer myself up

Last year at this time America was teetering (in some cases, tittering) on the brink of impeaching the motherfucker already. Special Counsel Robert Mueller stopped short of completing his job and left just enough vagueness in the minds of too many. The House of Representatives led by Adam Schiff did an excellent job of laying out the case and then voting to impeach the worst president in the nation’s history. Led in the Senate by Moscow Mitch McConnell, the anti-government, pro-corporate, anti-people Republican’ts ignored all evidence and decided the smart money was on supergluing themselves to President Albatross. Well, that’s not entirely true. As you may recall they refused to even ignore much of the evidence, opting instead to not even hear it. So, we were left with a hollow feeling – impeachment-sans-conviction thanks to a rigged jury of Chrump’s peers/enablers.

Donald Chrump, Killer of People, Killer of Democracy, Enemy of Reality remains at the helm of a morbidly leaky ship of state. Chrump remains staggeringly popular to too many among us: pea-brains, flat-Earthers, climate crisis deniers, father stabbers, mother rapers, father rapers, you know…deplorables – some of them I assume are good people (two or three at best).

Nonetheless, I feel obliged to muster what it takes to celebrate the great American holiday – Resignation Day(s) and the end of the ill-gotten presidency of Richard Nixon.

Those were simpler times.  Nixon was a vengeful, murderous megalomaniac, but he seems almost quaint in comparison to the Toxic Orange Gas Cloud under which this nation, and the entire global community now finds itself fighting for survival.

Happier times

Sure, Nixon was responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of American troops in Vietnam. Chrump outdid Nixon’s death count without even dragging another country into the fray or getting off the toilet. Plus, he did it in record time, and shows no signs of letting up any time soon. All he had to do was be a sociopathic, morbidly ignorant, lying sack of shit, which after all has been Chrump’s life-long default setting.

Nero Fiddled, Chrump Golfs

Watergate was characterized as “a third-rate burglary” by first-rate whack-job Nixon. Chrump is committing a first-rate hit job on America on behalf of Vladimir Putin. Tricky Dick was so paranoid, that he brought in a crew of imbeciles – the Plumbers – to break into his opponent’s headquarters, only to have them screw up royally. Chrump brought the imbeciles right into the West Wing to run every single federal department into the ground. The door Nixon’s Plumbers had duct-taped open at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC on June 17, 1972 was ultimately discovered and reported to police by night watchman Frank Wills – an American hero whose good deed did not go unpunished. Chrump is waterboarding America in broad daylight. Wills lost his job over his excellent, and ultimately historic work.  Nixon lost his job only after his party realized that unless they jettisoned their leader, they would all go down with the shit. Today’s Republican’ts seem unable to extricate themselves from the festering wad of flypaper that is Donald Chrump. They are stuck, and if America hopes to survive in anything resembling a democracy, she must wipe Donald Chrump off her shoes this November and then try him for the countless crimes he and his crime family have committed against America.

Not satisfied with handcuffing themselves to him, Republican’ts will run the electoral version of a three-legged race with Chrump in 2020. Moscow Mitch is living up to his Rasputin reputation by refusing to vote on giving Putin an official sternly worded warning of serious repercussions if he continues to meddle on Chrump’s behalf. The U.S. intelligence community is once again frantically waving a red flag that Russia is in fact pulling out all the stops (reportedly making their 2016 effort look like child’s play) to keep Chrump, and by extension Putin, in the White House. Apparently, Republican’ts are fine with Russia meddling in our election; they just don’t want American voters doing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wixtjUL42E
The late, great Gil Scott-Heron

So many “gates” have come and gone since that fateful day in 1974.  Reagan’s Iran-Contragate – selling arms to Iran to fund Nicaraguan Contras, Clinton’s Monicagate – sex with a White House intern, Cheney’s Plamegate – outing a vital CIA operative as revenge for her husband’s truth telling, and countless lesser “gates,” all endeavored to ride the tattered, rotting coattails of Nixon’s Watergate.  Under the current regime, we find ourselves embroiled in Don Chrump’s resurging Stormy-gate, his snowballing racist hate-gate, and his unrelenting Russia-gate – thanks to the allegedly alleged COLLUSION, conspiracy, connivance and corruption, of Donald Chrump, his namesake, his daughter, his son-in-law, his campaign manager, his personal attorney, several of his national security advisors, his attorney general, and countless others, several of whom are already in jail as a result.

A number of Chrump’s “best people” were tried and convicted only to be spared justice thanks to Chrump’s pardon power. Chrumpgate has lasted long enough. It is actually making Watergate look like the third-rate burglary Nixon wanted us to think it was by comparison.  Though nothing can replace Watergate and the Fall of Nixon, today’s imbroglio promises to be very, very special.  Believe me.  In any event, today we bring you some of the memories from Resignation Day(s) past.

A Riddle

Q: How can you tell that Chrump is lying?
A: He’s not dead yet. 

Ed Venture
Editor-at-Lunch

2015

Thanks Ed. Always nice to have you sneak out from behind your very, very large and very, very real desk.  Always brings a tear to my eye and a snarl to my lip.  I hope you don’t mind if I add a verse or two for 2015…

Once more it’s that season, and Obama’s still here
Watching those who’d replace him lurch into gear.
They’re angry and senseless, they screech and they bite
No need for good reason, they just like to fight.

Now Christie! Cruz, Kasich! Paul, Bush, Carson, Trump!
On, Rubio! On Walker! On, Huckabee! A great bunch of chumps!
They all come a tumbling from the zany clown car!
Now dash away! Dash away! Please dash away far!

So let’s watch in amusement, as they trip o’er their tongues
As they sputter and spew and expel from their lungs,
All the hot air and spittle, all the BS and blight,
For the chance to meet Clinton or Sanders for the big fight!________________________________

2016

Thanks I.  We enjoyed your addition for 2015 I.  And what a year it has been since last Resignation Day(s).  Bernie made quite a splash and Chrump excited all the trash.  It was truly a campaign to remember, now it’s on to November.  So I will see your 2015 verses and raise you a few for 2016 (with reverence and apologies to Ogden Nash)…

Ed Venture
Mangling Editor, Paying Attention

Once more it’s that season, Obama time’s near done
Each party’s wild primaries has narrowed to one.
Bernie lost to Hillary, but inspired revolution
Chrump bested all Republican’ts, and might end evolution.

 

Now East Coast, now West Coast, now swing states, Midwest!
Oh, Donald you suck it, tho you say you’re the best!
I never liked Clinton but I hope Chrump gets schlonged!
And goes back to his mirror, where’s he’s always belonged!

Let him talk, let him squawk, it’s politically suicidal,
Keep making voters nauseous, ere November’s decidal.
Keep insulting, and frothing, and hating, and screaming…
All the stuff of which anti-Chrumpers, tho pained are all dreaming!

 

Tiny hands, tiny brain, tiny what-the-fuck-ever,
You will lose very bigly and be president…NEVER
Go prepare your next bankruptcy, it’s what you do best
You whiny Tweet-aholic, and sanity’s pest

If I never see your hair-thing or hear your voice again,
I know I will not miss your face, but I’ll feel much less pain
Go away oh Orange Putz, away and out of sight
Close your pie-hole, hide yourself, for once just do what’s right.
__________________________

2017

Hi folks, I. Mangrey here.

Well, that certainly did not work out the way most of the country – and the world – had hoped.  Now we are ensconced in the most bizarre, incompetent, chaotic shitshow of an administration since Caligula.  Unlike Chrump, Caligula is described as a noble and moderate ruler during the first six months of his reign.  After that, he ramped up the cruelty, sadism, extravagance, and sexual perversity, and is remembered as an insane tyrant.  Der Furor wasted no time, in fact getting a head start, with his later-day Caligula-like behavior.  One can only wonder with paralyzing dread what the (hopefully short) remainder of Chrump’s tenure will visit upon us all.  I suppose I need to have one more go at updating this venerable old verse for 2017 while I can still think straight…

Impeachment in the air, now Chrump makes us sick
It seems he might kill us, get rid of him QUICK!
He’s angry and clueless, he tweets from his toilet,
The craziest nonsense. Our country, he’ll spoil it. 

Now Jared! Ivanka, Pence, Sessions and Chrump!
On, Conway! On Bannon! Such miserable chumps!
They lie, they collude, they love Russia not us!
Now dash away! Dash away! Please leave in a huff!

Robert Mueller, grand jury – Oh please stop this lout
Get the dirt, make it public, then throw the bum out
Waste not one more moment, excise Donald Chrump,
And air out the White House, which he called “a Dump”.

The endless lies and insanity assaulting us all,
By Constitution, our right and our duty - this Chrump thing must fall.
So I say to you all, Power To The People, Out Of Sight,
More Impeachment to all, and to all a good-night!

___________________________________ 

Heck of a job Chrumpy. You’re #1…twice  

Tune in tomorrow as we wrap up this year’s festivities with some new stanzas for the occasion.  Hoping your holiday is happy, healthy and humorous.

 

The gang at Paying Attention. Good night and good luck.