Russia, If You’re Listening…

But His “Emails”

February 14, 2022

Donald Tmurp famously does not use email. Or formulate coherent sentences. Or know how to spell most words. More comfortable yelling insults and big lies, he was much more at home tweeting. Before being jettisoned for spreading disinformation about COVID-19, Twitter was his preferred means of assaulting our senses in written form. Many people were saying this was in part because he could not focus long enough to create statements any longer than 280 characters.

During the 2016 presidential campaign Donald Tumrp had this to read aloud about Hillary Clinton’s fake email scandal: “People who have nothing to hide…don’t destroy evidence to keep it from being publicly archived, as required under federal law.”

That was then This is now: Witnesses reported seeing Turmp literally ripping up documents in the White House, and on at least one occasion, according to former Turmp aide Omarosa Manigault, shoving the hand-shredded evidence into his face sphincter. More recently we have learned that Turmp removed 15 boxes of documents, including some marked…wait for it…classified, with some documents labeled top secret, from the White House and took them to Mor-on-Lago when he finally, grudgingly was coerced into leaving the White House. The National Archives were forced to go to Mor-on-Largo – I hope the received hazard pay – to retrieve the documents by authority of the Presidential Records Act. 

It is believed that there were also an unknown number of documents that were destroyed in “burn bags” and permanently lost. And who knows what else this life-long criminal is hiding. One assumes that since Trmup believes he is president-for-life, he can do whatever he wants since, and I quote, “When somebody is the president of the United States, the authority is total. And that's the way it's got to be. It's total.” Therefore, it only goes to show that any documents that he wants belong to him in perp…etuity

Tmurp’s famous, altered weather map featuring his “Sharpie bubble”

was one of the illegally pilfered documents retrieved by authorities

According to our sources, it was proudly displayed on his refrigerator

Royal Flush

It is well known that Turmp has serious potty issues. Number one, he reportedly spent a good deal of time tweeting from that particular porcelain pedestal. Number two, he also went on frequent toilet tirades, for example, “I won’t use the example of toilets ‘cause it’s sort of gross, right, but let’s use it anyway. People are having to flush it seven, eight, ten, twelve times.” We may now have new insight into why this mildewed-melon-masquerading-as-a-mammal was so focused on frantically flushing his toilet.

New reporting from Maggie Haberman reveals that while Turmp was in office, “staff at the White House residence periodically discovered wads of printed paper clogging a toilet, and believed [Trump] had flushed pieces of paper.” According to Haberman, staff members would periodically find his personal toilet clogged. The plumber (presumably, not one of Nixon’s Watergate guys) would have to come and find the source of the problem, and what he would find would be clumps of printed paper. Apparently these papers were flushed whole, and not digested like the ones he shoved into his misshapen maw. It would not be wise however to rule out the possibility that at least some of these documents were pre-chewed before being deposited in the crapper, like a mother bird preparing food for her hatchlings. So just to be clear, these documents could have emerged from either end of the president, or placed by hand, or any combination thereof. The mind reels. The stomach churns.

In any event, it seems that either Turmp was attempting to illegally dispose of government documents or he was, as many suspected, literally wiping his ass with the Constitution. Clearly a full, far reaching rectal investigation is in order. We must look into his entrails.

You may remember, (Hopefully not) when the Classified Document Consumer said of Hillary Clinton, “She sent vast amounts of classified information, including information classified as top secret. Top secret. Okay? and this is where they said that she was extremely careless, and frankly I say, grossly incompetent.” Grossly incompetent? You mean like someone blithely divulging extremely sensitive top-secret information to Russian agents in the Oval Office, putting a key ally’s operations in jeopardy? Like that? 

James Comey, Donald Tmurp, Vladimir Putin and much of the “liberal” American media used Clinton’s so-called Email-gate to assure, purposely or otherwise, Tmurp’s Electoral College victory in 2016. As we all know, it was repeatedly determined that Clinton was sloppy, but not criminal. Unlike some people we know, who are both.

Many people are asking: Can you impeach a twice-impeached ex-president? While #45 ended up facing his post-second-impeachment trial as ex-president, both actual impeachments took place while still in office. So the question still stands. As does the need.

How about a dead one?

And I would be remiss if I did not say, Lock. Him. Up!

I. Mangrey reporting.