Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 26, 2022

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here we are once again. One year dies out, another takes its place. 2022 was filled festooned with the hit miniseries January 6^th Committee v. Trump and The Stupid. So it goes. We survived the campaigns of Herschel “Abortion King” Walker, Doug “Election Decider” Mastriano, Mehmet “I Always Get My Crudités At Wegners” Oz and Kari “On, Like Trump In A Skirt” Lake. Though, Lake is still carrying on, and carrying on Trump Ratpublicans’ new normal by refusing to accept the results of any election they lose.

The COVID pandemic Trump tried to turn into a random genocide mutated its way into our hearts for another year, as Trump mutated into an even more pathetic, more dangerous and more indictable version of himself. Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine in an attempt to remove it from the map so he can start World War III and become the next Russian tsar. The United States Extreme Court overturned more long-standing law by overturning Roe v. Wade, which played no small part in handing Ratpublicans the weakest midterm showing in decades, allowing Democrats to increase their Senate majority, and add governorships and state legislature majorities across the country.

Climate crisis catastrophes accelerated in number and degree across the globe as oil companies continued to sabotage all attempts to reduce human impacts on global conditions.

NASA launched the James Webb telescope to see if there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe. Nothing so far.

Save America From Americans

Still, thanks to Ratpublicans insisting on eliminating elections, democracy and reality in general, the stupidity is so overwhelming and so widespread that our entire system of political and social norms, such as they are, risk collapsing into chaos and fascism. It is not hyperbole to imagine long-term irreparable damage to civilization itself if these medieval Machiavellian morons have their way. This is not one of our predictions (Or is it?), but just something think and gnash your teeth about.

Now, Back To The Future

Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large swath of America does not even think science is real. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our non-existent reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2023

So, 2022, finally goes the way of all years, good, bad or ugly. It is all but guaranteed that we will be here to see it end.

In any event, here is what we predict you will see over the next 12 months…

January 6, 2023

If The Guy’s A Blight, You Must Indict

The Jan 6 Committee along with Attorney General Merrick Garland reconvenes in a surprise primetime appearance to announce the warrant for the arrest of Donald Trump.

A somewhat less somber than usual AG Garland:

Two years ago today in this hallowed edifice, then-president and life-long asshole, racist, fascist conman Donald Trump – you’ll pardon the expression – incited a premeditated coup attempt. His supporters beat law enforcement officers with American flags, Blue Lives Matter banners, pointed sticks, and assorted other weaponry as they attempted to subvert the will of the majority – an uncommonly large majority – of the American electorate. Obviously, seeing as Mr. Trump was sorest winner when he did actually win the Electoral College – with the help of Russia (even says so in the Mueller report, though Mueller himself was unwilling to say that), he was not expected to take losing well, especially losing in such spectacular fashion. Frankly, he got crushed. But really, what could he have expected? The first time, no one knew what a Trump administration would really look like. Well, some of us kind of did know, but once people got a good, long whiff of the criminality, incompetence and blatant racism and authoritarianism, who but the most deplorable among us would vote for him a second time. Okay, so he did get many more votes the second time around, but that’s not the point. He lost. He lost big. He committed innumerable crimes in the attempt to overturn his loss and now his ass belongs to the law. The only thing left to say is, “Lock him up!”

January 11, 2023

This Is An Ex-president

As authorities search for the disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president, Trump attempts to hide out in a Monty Python sketch from 50 years ago.

But is ultimately caught because he is too big, fat and stupid to blend in…

Trump, placed in the appropriate Python sketch,
more than just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk

And so begins the Paying Attention™ panoply of predictions for 2023. As always, Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King bring you the future before it’s too late.

Go and get an appropriate attitude adjustment and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started.  It is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.