Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The End (of The Year) is Near
December 26, 2024
Where Will We Have Gone From Here
Well, here we are once again. One year dies a painful and horrific
death, another poised to take its place. The year 2024 will perhaps be best
known for two things. The first being the spun-as-heroic-albeit-much-too-late
exit of Joe Biden from the presidential race, leaving the nomination to Kamala
Harris. Harris insisted on being a woman of color throughout the campaign,
which all but assured her defeat, though she fought a smart valiant fight.
The second thing that has made 2024 so special is that Trump, running on a platform of
rich-getting-richer-poor-getting-poorer, fascists getting fascier and shit
getting shitter, squeaked out a popular vote victory along with winning the
unpopular/Electoral College vote. As it now stands, American democracy has been
knocked to the canvas, without the refs noticing the low blow that achieved
this end.
Sure the Climate Crisis catastrophes accelerated in number and
degree across the globe as oil companies and assholes like Donald “Drill, Baby,
Drill” Trump continued to sabotage all attempts to reduce human impacts on
global conditions.
If this was the America that Donald Trump is looking to
make, he would have either been locked up pending trials or found himself
briefly looking up at the 15th-story window from which he had only
moments earlier been looking down.
Save America From Americans
Still, thanks to Ratpublicans insisting on eliminating elections, democracy and reality in general, the stupidity – now with more fascism – is so overwhelming and so widespread that our entire system of political and social norms, such as they are, risk collapsing into economic depression, environmental devastation, fascism and chaos. It is not hyperbole to imagine long-term irreparable damage to civilization itself if these medieval Machiavellian morons have their way. This is not one of our predictions (Or is it?), but just something think and gnash your teeth about.
Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an
exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large
swath of America does not even think science is real. In
reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we
will put our non-existent reputation on the line to tell it like it will be.
Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions,
Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.
Now, Before It’s Too Late, Back To The Future
So, 2024, finally goes the way of all years, good, bad or ugly. At
this point, it is all but guaranteed that we will be here to see it end.
In any event, here is what we predict you will see over the next 12
months…
January 6, 2025
Let Them Eat Fake
Trump sees January 6 as a
good time to bring the nation together and goes on Fux News to speak to a
divided nation.
“On the anniversary of what almost became the greatest day in
American history, I have a very special announcement to make. Many of you
pathetic losers, I mean patriotic heroes, voted for me because of all the
promises I made. Of course, politicians – which I am not – always make promises
to get your votes. How could I have known that even though I am not a
politician you would treat me like one and believe all the crap I said to get
elected. But today, because I am so honest – probably the most honest person in
all history – I will tell you that the only promises I will keep are the ones
that help the richest people. The rest of you are on your own. And though this
might make some of you sad, you should really be glad…for me. I’m going to make
out like a bandit, or if you prefer, like a conman.”
January 11, 2025
Shove It Up Your Ass
Trump unveils his new line
of Trump
brand hemorrhoid creams in a variety of flavors.
January 20, 2025
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
America officially shoots itself in the face, inaugurating Donald Trump as the 47th and possibly last duly elected president. After running on a platform of authoritarian rule by white male Christians, based on the total dismantling of the federal government, the end of tolerance, women’s rights, voting rights, an aggressive assault on the environment, the rule of law and the Constitution, and a complete disregard for reality, Trump smacks the Bible out of a cackling Samuel Alito’s hands. Trump pushes Alito out of the way and instead of taking the usual oath of office, turns to the camera and tells America
“I just want to thank all the poorly educated who made this moment possible. I am looking forward to being able to do whatever the fuck I want, since the Supreme Court gave me all the power I should have had last time. Then we never would have had to bother with Sleepy Joe Biden who wasted four years fixing the great economy I alone created, ramping up infrastructure instead of just talking about it all the time and getting the rest of the stupid world to start respecting America again. I will fix all this and return the presidency to the self-serving cash cow it was when I was in charge before. Now, this is my country, and we will soon be officially changing the name to AmeriTrump, or maybe even something better. We'll just have to wait and see. And it will be great again. So great you won’t believe it. And so, I solemnly swear to protect and defend Donald Trump for all enemies, mostly domestic, until no one even thinks about being disloyal or criticizing me in any way, until death do they depart. Now leave me the fuck alone and buy my stuff.”
And so begins the
Paying Attention™ panoply of predictions for 2025. As always, Ed Venture, I.
Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King attempt to bring you the future before it’s too
late.
Go and get an appropriate
attitude adjustment, take a nap, flash yourself with that flashy thing the Men
in Black use, and break out the popcorn folks, we’re just getting started. It
is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.
You won’t want to miss a moment of 2025…or will you
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