Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
I’ll Believe The Future When I See It
Project Protect 2025
December 31,
2024
Anyone can put
together a look back at the year that was. Not that there’s anything wrong with
that. But it takes true courage, a complete disregard for common sense and real
spunk to pretend to know what will happen in the year to come.
So, here it
is. The final installment of what to expect in 2025.
Donald Trump
– the long COVID of presidents – still has us gnashing our teeth, fighting to
keep food down, losing sleep and praying that the Constitution will ultimately
prevail despite the unrelenting and seditious efforts of its arch enemies –
Donald Trump, his Fascist Party, and the Supremely Extreme Court.
Hopefully, Trump’s legacy will attain a fate similar to so many of Trump’s
other fraudulent, and ultimately failed ventures.
Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor
September 24, 2025
Trump suffers what for most
would be a fatal heart attack. But since he is devoid of both heart and soul,
the incident barely fazes him. He did stop yapping for several seconds and
appeared to stop breathing, but quickly regained what passes for consciousness
and continued his indecipherable drivel.
November 4, 2025
Trump makes another stunning(ly
stupid) announcement.
“My people tell me that today is the first Tuesday in
November, and that this is the traditional day for voting. Since this is an off
year I thought it would be a good time to make this very special announcement.
Everyone knows that I am this country’s favorite president of all time. I have
asked many people to weigh in on this and every single one came up to me, tears
in their eyes, barely able to speak, and I can tell you this had nothing to do
with their arms being twisted almost off, and they said “Sir, please let me say
to you that you are the best president ever. And so strong and handsome. And
from what I can tell, the best golfer of all time.” Because of this, I am going
to do all of you a big favor – you will never have to waste your time voting again.
I have agreed to remain your favorite president for the rest of my life, and if
Elon’s new cryogenic freezer thing works, the rest of yours as well. And you
can feel good knowing that if anything happens to me, my very talented son Don,
Jr. will take my place – assuming he hasn’t died of a cocaine overdose or goes
out Fatal Attraction style by his psycho ex-fiancée who I made
ambassador to Greece.”
Meanwhile, the Supreme Court, despite having no case before them, decides that there is nothing in the Constitution requiring a president to be a living person. While they did not declare that women were disqualified to serve as president (that being an unnecessary edict since it will never happen), they did make it possible for Trump to remain in office post-mortem if he merely declares his intent before his long-overdue demise.
December 13, 2025
Trump finally, via executive
order, kills the Affordable Care Act.
“The terribly horrible Obamacare that I worked so hard and so tremendously to make great is so horrible that I alone can kill it. My very beautiful and highly genius concept of a plan is now ready. Everyone will now be able to get all the health they can afford with the great new TrumpCare Plan. For only 60% of your annual salary – that’s gross, not net – you will be able to see any doctor that I and the great RFK II approve, unless you’re a woman, since women have no need for medical. I have made medical great again. You can thank your favorite president now.”
December 25, 2024
Trump announces the release of his “brand new Bible”
“This will be the greatest Bible of all time. You may notice a
slight change, which you will love very much. I have replaced Jesus with Trump.
As I announced last week, I have legally changed my middle name to Jesus. And
this will make it totally official. I am the new chosen one.”
This Will Have Been The Year That Will Have Been
We are predicting that the year 2025 will come to an end, at
midnight or there abouts. We are simply not stupid enough to even consider
predicting how. There is a non-zero percent chance that we will once again be
relieved to wring out another year.
Out With (ano)The(r) Bad Year, In With The Completely
Unpredictable (With The Exception Of Our Predictions) And Potentially Fatal New
Year
In any event,
hope for the best, expect the worst. Remain vigilant. Sleep with one eye open.
The year 2025 is coming for you and is plotting to kill you if you’re not
prepared.
And this is not
a prediction, this is a guarantee: the word of the year will be
Either that or the ever-reliable gift from the Hopi language
Anyway, that’s it for Paying Attention™ in 2024 and now we all know what to expect in
2025 – or at least some of it. For now, just enjoy New Year’s Eve, think
responsibly, and for now, forget the future ever happened.
Feel free to ignore all predictions except this one from the world’s foremost authority: “If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.”
From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff
and Shay King, and our research and legal teamS:
Hello 2025, come right in, we’ve been expecting you.
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