Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The
End (of The Year) is Near
December
29, 2024
Telling
It Like It Will Have Been
It
is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently
soused, fittingly fried, wonderfully wasted, or otherwise appropriately altered
as 2024 melts away like the Arctic and if many
people have their way, America’s democracy. If you had already started
your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a
timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least
blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while
you were “out.” If you have already decided to just down your ENDITOL, we understand;
you will be missed.
It
was with great trepidation, constipation and crustacean – no, that can’t be
right… that we even forced ourselves to look at the coming year. 2025 promises
to be horrifying, angst-ridden, painful and exhausting. And that’s the
best-case scenario. This election could have people running for the exits
faster than the audience at the premier of Springtime For Hitler just
before the lovely and talented Lorenzo St. DuBois took the stage and stole the
show.
As
we watch 2024 dissolve into the American memory abyss, Donald Trump, or as JD Vantz
described him not so long ago – “America’s Hitler,” is preparing his American
Carnage II: REVENGE OF THE TURDS.
In
any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it
will be in 2024. With any luck the prediction gods will provide something
to save the day, if not the year.
February 25, 2025
Trump issues an executive order
abolishing the Senate and House of Representatives. “Nobody needs a bunch of
egomaniacs thinking they control our government just because it’s in the very
old, very fake Constitution. These unnecessary busybodies want to know
everything your favorite president is up to and it’s none of their damn
business. I am fixing the Constitution and making it great again for the first
time.”
April 22, 2025
Trump picks Earth Day to
announce even more drilling, fracking and a number of controlled oil spills in
Democratic sectors. After outlawing any Earth Day celebrations, Trump orders
the removal of all windmills and creates the American Solar Systems
Hauled Off Leading to Environmental Suicide,
charged with crisscrossing the country to confiscate solar panels and electric
vehicles from American citizens.
“The scientists don’t know this, but with my very, very large
uh-brain, which is bigger than any brain you have ever seen – have I told you
that my uncle taught at Princeton – making me the smartest man who ever lived,
I have determined that the environment is a hoax. There is no such thing. Never
was. God, who is almost as smart and popular as Trump, created all of this
from nothing, so obviously everything is nothing, so why worry about it. What
do you think of that? Pretty amazing. Now we don’t have to worry about global
wokeness. Drill, baby, drill. Burn, baby, burn. Now, watch this drive.”
May 1, 2025
Trump invites Putin to move
into the White House.
“I think it would be good to have such a strong, powerful and
honest person moving into Melania’s room. She is hardly ever here, though she
loves me very much. She just doesn’t want to distract me from being president,
dancing to YMCA, playing golf and wandering aimlessly around the West
Wing talking to the late great Hannibal Lecter.”
West Wing movie night
July 4, 2025
Trump orders January 6 to be a
federal holiday as a replacement for July 4th.
“This is a new very strong and powerful holiday. This will
now be the real Independence Day – the Day we almost became independent of the
annoying Constitution and all the fake voting that happens when I don’t win.
Today we say good-bye to the old, outdated Independence Day. From now on,
starting next January 6th we will be celebrating Trump Day. Now,
watch me dance to the new National Anthem – YMCA after I bang this flag
like it was my daughter.”
July 21, 2025
Trump unveils his new line of spiked catheters.
Nap
Time
Go
and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of
Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon.
We’ve
got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless
hazy replies, and a surprising number of “Signs point to WTF”. These are
not fake predictions.
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.
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