Tableau For Two

Obama's Recovery Act

Hofstra University, NY

October 18, 2012 

I have to sympathize with Barack Obama.  It must be hard trying to look like a not-angry angry black man in America, even if you are the President of the United States.  Barack Obama may not have been the one wearing magic underwear at his second debase debate with Willard “If-It-Was-Possible-To-Lie-More-Than-I-Already-Do-I’d-Sure-Consider-It-I’m-Running-For-Office-For-Pete’s-Sake” Romney, but he somehow had his Mojo back.  He did a great job of finally calling a spade a spade.  Apparently this caused Willard’s clone son Tagg to “want to rush down to the debate stage and take a swing at him. But you know you can’t do that because, well, first there’s a lot of secret service agents between you and him…”  I wonder how Tagg felt when his dad called him a liar during the first debate.  Hey Tagg, maybe you should consider trying to get your old man to stop lying every time he opens his mouth.  Or maybe you’re afraid he’ll outsource your sorry ass to China.

Romney’s platform is simple:  

   Romney: Every American will have their own Unicorn when I am president.

   Undecided Voter: But Unicorns don’t exist.

   Romney: That’s not important right now. The important thing is that you can trust me when I say every American will have their own Unicorn under a Romney administration. I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this answer.

   Undecided Voter: But governor Unicorn...I mean Romney, there is no such thing as Romneys...I mean Unicorns. The science is quite clear on this. Nobody has ever seen a Unicorn in the known history of humankind. We have fossil evidence that there were dinosaurs, but not one shred of evidence of the existence of Unicorns. How can you stand there and tell us we’ll all have our very own Unicorns? By the way, do you believe there were dinosaurs?

   Romney: Unicorns are people my friend. I cannot tell you exactly how I will put a Unicorn in every American home until I am officially sworn in as president.

   Undecided Voter: Are you high?

   Romney: I am a Mor(m)on sir. I don’t even drink coffee and I frankly resent the implication that just because I have stood up here lying and misrepresenting everything I campaigned on up until this moment that somehow this has anything to do with my ability to lead 53% of this nation into a prosperous future. I am offended by your question sir.

   Undecided Voter: I am a woman Mr. Romney. But thank you so much for clearing that up, severely-conservative-governor Romney. Does everyone in Massachusetts now have a Unicorn?

   Romney: No they do not, just guaranteed health care...for now. I was saving this incredible Unicorn plan for my time as president.

   Undecided Voter: So you stand by your promise to give each and every American a Unicorn once you become president.

   Romney: Sir, I don’t know where you got such an outlandish idea. I never said anything about anyone getting Unicorns. Are you on drugs or just part of the 47% who thinks they’re entitled to government Unicorns?

   Undecided Voter: Hurray! We’re all getting Unicorns. USA, USA, USA!

 

 

I guess Willard was reading too much Mao before the debate. He couldn’t stop talking about his “Five Year Point Plan.” And you might not have noticed he always held up his left hand to emphasize this point.  Was Willard sending secret signals to all the communists he hopes will vote for him?  For more details on Romney’s incredible Unicorns plan to save the economy see the exchange recounted above.

During the debate we learned that before Willard had blinders on regarding women, he called for "binders full of women."  Then we learned that, strangely enough, Willard was lying about those binders full of women.  He hadn’t, as he claimed, been told where to find a buried binder of golden plates inscribed with the names of qualified women by an angel in a vision he had.  Nor had he asked for them at all; they were delivered unto him and his opponent by a group advocatiing for a more substantial number of women in Massachusetts government.  To his credit, Mr. Romney and his opponent, a woman, agreed. 

Upon being elected governor, Romney did in fact appoint many women, most of whom soon quit and were replaced by men, leaving Massachusetts with fewer women in government at the end of his term than when he started.  I’m not sure if that had anything to do with the huge fiscal deficit Romney left behind or the fact that he’s now behind Obama by close to thirty points in the presidential election.  The only good thing Romney did as governor was provide universal health care in his state, which he now hopes to destroy by repealing Obamacare. 

More recently Romney showed his respect for women by backing out of a scheduled appearance along with his wife on The View.  Willard was earlier referring to the non-conservative women on the view as "high risk" interviewers and "sharp-tongued," particularly Whoopi Goldberg.  So brave Sir Willard sent his wife in his stead.

Speaking of our undying respect for women, the Green Party's presidential candidate, Dr. Jill Stein - mother, physician and teacher of internal medicine - and her running mate Cheri Honkala were arrested outside Hofstra University, site of the second debate, and shakled to metal chairs for eight hours.  The Green Party in on the ballot for 85% of voters.  The Green Party duo was merely attempting to get a seat at this unfairly-exclusive table for two.  It should be noted that the two interlopers were brandishing an American flag.  The nerve.

Two things should make us all feel a little safer though.  At least there was no substantive discussion of gun control and most important there was not a single mention of climate change or environmental protections of any kind, even with all the talk about the continued wanton incineration of coal, petroleum and natural gas.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible comment (and more George McGoverns) invited.