Waiting With Debated Breath

Obama vs. Romney, Round One

Denver, Colorado

October 2, 2012

Many thoughts and feelings fill our minds and hearts as America prepares itself for the first Big “Debate” of the 2012 election cyclone.  Questions, questions, questions, flooding the minds of today’s nauseated concerned voters.  Who will win?  Who will lose?  Will I be able to stay awake?  Will I be able to keep my dinner down?  Who will suffer the most zings and arrows of outrageous rehearsals?  Brother can you spare a dime?

The two candidates and their merry men have spent the last two weeks lowering expectations, trying desperately to impress us with their own candidate’s stunning inability to perform under the big lights of a nationally televised (exchange-which-in-no-way-should-be-considered-a) debate.  In preparation for the battle to see who can better fit their usual talking points into a question/answer/rebuttal format, both candidates have been practicing hard, losing valuable fundraising and glad-handing time.

Team Romney has been coaching their “guy” to try to seem human, perhaps even empathetic.  They are working feverishly to plan out as many spontaneous moments as possible for the man who's social skills are somewhere in the Caymans.  One source who refused to be named told me, “We had to tell him over and over not to attempt to do any singing.  I can’t tell you how many times we had the conversation - ‘No sir, we’re talking about zingers sir. No we don’t want you to name singers sir, not really sure why you think that would win you the debate sir.  No we don’t want you to be a singer sir, just try to say the words we planned sir.  No sir no melody needed sir.  Yes I think we’re clear on this now. Sir we really need you to watch some TV to see how regular people without Swiss bank accounts really live. No sir, not everyone actually has a Swiss bank account. No, most people pay a little more than 14% in federal taxes sir, so no you probably shouldn’t be bragging about that too much sir.’  Yeah, there was a lot of that kind of thing going on during prep month.  I’d say we’re pretty screwed, but hey it pays well.”

Team Obama meanwhile has its work cut out making sure the President doesn’t get too ticked off and call in a drone strike.  They’ve also spent time trying to teach their charge how to look relaxed but not high.  And they’ve also told him not to break into song, but for a completely different reason than the opposition.  Apparently team Obama has decided against trying to lighten up the President for the occasion, figuring people are already all too familiar with the fact that he’s not as white as they’d like him to be.

Personally, I’m waiting to see what color Williard Romney will be.  Normally he’s as white as Wonder Bread.  But when he spoke before an audience of Hispanics last month, desperately trying to win at least their votes, he had dyed himself to such a degree that he made John Boehner look like Michael Jackson.

The big problem for Romney of course is that he will be speaking.  You can expect the following zingers from Mr. Romney:

            -Are you talking to me?

            -Oh yeah, if I had $10,000 for every time I heard that...

            -Yeah, I guess that's how they do things at your elitist Harvard...where I also
             went to  school...oh, never mind.

            -Well let me just say that you were for that before I was against it.
            -So you live in the White House...you didn't build that.
            -How can you accuse me of hating on the 47% of Americans that don't pay
             income tax when I'm one of them...zing!!

All in all your best bet is probably watching the whole thing with the sound off and your eyes closed, but I can't because I. Mangrey...

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible comment (and more Romney zingers) invited.