Schrodinger’s Candidate

Inside The Escher-esque Labyrinth That Is W. Mitt Romney’s Head

After The Rain, The Other Side of Sandy

October 30, 2012 

For those of you not into physics, there’s a thought experiment/paradox known as Schrodinger’s Cat.  Briefly, there’s a cat in a box such that it cannot be seen by observers of the experiment.  The cat may or may not be alive, depending on the outcome of a random event inside the box, but there's no way of knowing the condition of the cat without opening the box, an act that is not part of the experiment.  Here’s where it gets really interesting: Some interpretations hold that the cat is both dead and alive.  It’s all very interesting and mystifying. 

This, as far as anyone can tell, is the essence of W. Mitt's candidacy.  This candidate is both for and against every single issue that comes before him.  This would seem to be unthinkable in the real world, but is rather common in the world of quantum physics.  For example, depending on the experiment being done, light either appears as a wave or a particle.  This at first seemed to be an irreconcilable puzzle, but scientists ultimately decided there was no choice but to consider light as a wavicle.  But, things are not supposed to be this bizarre once you get out of the subatomic world.  However, science may have to revise everything after doing the autopsy on W. Mitt Romney's through-the-lying-looking-glass campaign.  It appears that Romney is either completely bereft of the ability to hold a position for any length of time, like a quark, or he is in fact Schrodinger’s Candidate.  Able to hold two completely incompatible positions simultaneously.  I’m starting to think I had old W. Mitt all wrong.  Romney may apparently be some kind of metaphysical marvel.  And not just his underwear.  (W. Mitt first appeared in Ed Venture's science news on this site on July 5, 2012 - The Romney Uncertainty Principle.)

W. Mitt talking out of both ends of his tube



Here's an example of Willard's multiplicity in action: He says the government shouldn’t back potential groundbreaking companies like Solyndra but it should funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to bolster a parasitical prosperous company like Exxon, which makes more money than God…every quarter.  I won’t trouble you with the 4,089 other easily-found examples of Romney’s Schrodinger-like duplicity; suffice it to say that if I did we would all be both dead and alive in a matter of seconds, but probably not in equal amounts.

Most American voters do not understand quantum physics.  Most Romney voters don’t believe in the existence of physics or science of any kind.  They feel that gravity is just a theory and therefore open to debate, and that debate will surely be won, they insist, by their well-funded team whose collective IQ would surely suffer a coronary in its attempt to reach double digits.

In any event it’s time for each candidate to find their final message to carry them across the finish line. Willard Romney is running on “Change.”  This is an altogether appropriate theme for the man who has done nothing but change...his opinions...on every issue...every six seconds.  A less polite reporter would translate Romney's Change as Lie, but that is only because this is what he does every time sound accompanies the tepid air insulting the air around him when his mouth opens.  I hope you will not find a less polite reporter than this one, so let me take a stab at it.  W. Mitt has never in fact changed a position.  He never had a position.  All he has is imposition.  How does he do it?  Volume.

Barack Obama has decided to close out this campaign with the theme of Integrity, as in which candidate do you think has even a shred of it.  On this final leg Obama has the strong support of Bruce Springsteen while Willard has enlisted the musical backing of Pot Roast, I mean Meat Load...umm Meat Laugh, er, Loaf...hey Willard the Seventies called and they want their B-level talent back.  You may know Meat as one of the pathetic losers on king-of-pathetic-losers Donald Trump's Celebrity Asshole Apprentice or perhaps his lunch-wrenching stint on Celebrity Rehab.  I guess Romney had to bring out the big over-the-hill guns to help push his Final Lies Tour.

 

 

Willard maintains a terrifyingly tenuous tether to the truth.  If only because one must know the truth in order to so consistently keep it at arm's length, or in W. Mitt's case, strapped to the roof of his car. 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible comment invited.