News It Or Lose It

The Creature From the White Lagoon
 

August 26, 2016 

Chrump arrives to save America…from herself?

Chrump is now working harder than ever. He has been told by his new handlers to pretend he is not the flaming asshole he has unwaveringly shown himself to be. The thinking is that by reading a few normal sounding sentences – with a wink and a smirk – and acting remorseful for an hour or two, America will simply forget the fifteen months of bigotry, meanness, childish name calling and general all-aroud world-class assholery, not to mention a lifetime of lying, cheating, lying and flip-flopping. And lying. Chrump is trying to sell himself as the Great White Hype who, after his first term as president, will get more black support than Barack Obama ever did. At a recent campaign event in a 95% white neighborhood, to a 99% white audience Chrump yowled, “And at the end of four years, I guarantee you that I will get over 95 percent of the African-American vote. I promise you. Because I will produce.” A Chrump guarantee, good enough for me. I plan to change my voter registration to black so when I vote for Chrump it will really mean something.

Devout Capitalists

More brilliant policy declarations from the same patriots who brought you, “Our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny President Obama a second term.” As always the Republican’ts are looking out for the little guy. Little as in the size of the the percentage of the population they comprise, not little as in the chance they have of anything more than mere survival. Not those who decide whether to buy medicine or food this month, but those who decide how much gold is appropriate for outfitting one’s yacht, or plane, or servants. Brian Ballard, a former top Jeb Bush donor who is now Trump's finance chair in Florida welcomed Trump's proposal to repeal the estate tax, calling it "the linchpin of the conservative movement: they get you when you're earning your money and they get you when you die." The estate tax affects the incredibly small percentage of the population who leave more than $11M behind for no other reason than, ‘You can’t take it with you.’ If you could, they would. If only to stiff the country and all the little people upon whose backs they made their wealth. Like making sure the president they despise (not because he is black of course) serves only one term rather than making the best of the situation, trying to work with the loyal opposition (who crushed their guy and his dangerosly ignorant running mate) in order to run the country for the good of all Americans. Patriots!

Laugh Now While You Still Can

Many top comedians are saying, and I mean this, so many people, that they will miss Donald Chrump come election day and he and that stuff atop whatever that thing on his neck is will finally be deposited into a HAZMAT container and carted off somewhere inaccessible to human senses. They despise him, but they will miss all the free jokes that write themselves day after day after day after day... Since I am not a comedian I am free of the need for easy albeit hilarious jokes to be delivered unto me free of charge in order to obtain cheap laughs from people desperate not to know what is going on in American politics. This seemingly endless supply of so-called free jokes is not free at all. The emotional and psychological damage eroding away at the struggling comedian, reporter or average citizen, if not the very soul of our nation – many people are saying the world as a whole – along with the physical toll resulting from the sound of his voice, the sight of his face and tiny hands...and tiny whatever, will not be inconsequential, that I can tell you.

America, you’re f&*%#d…and I don’t mean fired.

I. Mangrey reporting.