The Donald Solution

The White House Un-American Activities Committee

The WTF House
August 6, 2016

Before we get into today’s communiqué, a brief diversion into Chrump’s recent dust-up with a baby who was being mean to him by crying while the candidate was trying to “speak.” What is this baby? Baby? The old führer never said “baby.”

Chrump loves babies. Here he is trying to eat two of them at once.

Back to the matter at hand…

Reality TV and real-life fraud extraordinaire Donald Chrump took (many, many people say plagiarized, many people) a few pages out of the 1968 Richard M. Nixon win-at-any-cost-fuck-em-all playbook for his (bowel) moving acceptance speech at the 2016 RNC. Chrump used his face sphincter to tout himself as the “law and order” candidate, sent to rescue America’s “silent majority” from the politically correct liberal elites. Apparently he thinks Nixon’s the one with the best words. Sad. 

Just in case anyone forgot, that Agnew character
on the right resigned in disgrace over bribery charges
and his buddy there next to him...
well you probably remember that guy.

First and Worst

In the 1930s Germany saw a charismatic madman whip up the darkest depths of the human spirit and incite a nation to madness, World War and genocide. Fear is a powerful motivator. Even if it is manufactured. Hatred and bigotry are easy to encourage in the unstable and ignorantmasses. Most presidential candidates in America try to appeal to a different segment and sentiment of the electorate.

America’s Turn

America saw something similar in nature though thankfully not in scope also in the 1930s. Our foray into making hatred great again never got to the war and killing stage, but what it lacked in death and destruction it made up for in longevity. The House Un-American Activities Committee lasted until 1975 and would-have-been-if-not-for-the-whole-resigning-in-disgrace-thing-then-president Richard Nixon had his sweaty paranoid hands all over this sordid affair starting in the late 1940s.

And then of course there’s the old race thing. Still wrestling with that one we are. Among other things the South is still reliably Republican’t because of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the hated Voting Rights act of 1965. Still trying to reverse those they are. Chrump is reigniting all of this sentiment because to him it’s all just Reality TV – a way for him to keep the cameras pointing at his face. Like a toddler with a handgun who thinks it’s a toy, he plays with it a little, manages not to shoot himself, and then just like he saw on television he pulls the trigger, but oopsmommy falls to the floor.

And speaking of toddlers with guns…

Donald certainly raised good caring boys
who love (dead) animals…and their dad.

The White House Un-American Activities Candidate

Chricky Dick

Now we find ourselves in the year 2016 poised to elect a badly dyed toxic narcissist with the world’s most bizarre comb-around-and-around, peddling the same fear, ignorance, hatred and superiority complex the world witnessed in the two examples above. The most insulting, spiteful, nasty and pathologically dishonest presidential candidate we have ever seen is now saying “No more Mr. Nice Guy...I’m taking off the gloves.” WTF. So far this has been him being nice? Holy shit. Taking off the gloves? Whatever gloves there may have been slipped off his tiny little hands long ago. He was simply too busy doing his hair and painting his face to notice.

America is three months away from conceivably entering the Twilight Zone via Donald Chrump’s White House Un-America Activities Conflagration. Anyone who dares disagree with Heir Chrump will be declared an enemy of the state. The most American things about Chrump are his toxic capitalism and his arrogance.

Would you say or have you ever said something mean about P*#@!&%#t Chrump? Do you know of anyone who has said unpleasant things or had impure thoughts about Dear Donald? Have you ever met anyone who has made fun of his surreal hairdo or the absurdly engineered color of his face (with the exception of two pasty-white ovals around his beady little eyes)? Do you know anyone who has commented his puny hands or child-sized penis? Well do ya punk?

Speaking of Hitler Chrump, a recent book contains secret diaries left by Chrump’s Hitler’s doctor which testify to the fact that not only did Der Fücker have one less testicle than the average pair, but his shriveled little walnut was reportedly attached to a deformed micro-penis to boot. I wonder if he had small hands.

At the risk of ending up on the White House Un-American Activities Committee un-orange list in 2017 I must report the following: During an hour-long policy briefing, which Chrump clearly failed with flying artificial colors, he reportedly asked several times about nuclear weapons: “If we have them why can’t we use them?” Many people are reporting this. Many people. They come up to me on the street and tell me this. Believe me. Chrump denies it; therefore we know it is true. Plus, it is on the internet. Chrump is ready to shoot from the lip. He does not know what nuclear weapons are. This is the guy tied with Dick Cheney for draft deferments during the Vietnam War with five. Now we know why he consults with himself and not with other people. It’s time Chrump gave himself a good talking to.

And Now For Something Completely Not Different…

Researchers at the Indianapolis Zoo observed, for the first time, an orangutan able to mimic the pitch and tone of human sounds. Big deal. The entire world has been watching this happen every day for over a year during the Republican’t primaries and now the presidential election.

I. Mangrey. Chrump angriest.

 

Speaking of Nixon…

Holiday Greetings From Everyone at Paying Attention

One Less Dick Never Hurt Anyone 

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
August 7, 2016

Hello loyal readers. It’s me, Ed Venture. As managing editor here at Paying Attention, it is my job at this time of year to remind you of our obsession with Richard Milhous Nixon and to keep the Resignation Day(s) tradition alive. As most of you are probably unaware, today is Erev Resignation Day(s) (or Resignation Day(s) Eve, depending on how you roll). On the evening of August 8, 1974, crook, felon, anti-Semite, Liberal-hating, secret-bomber, paranoiac, all-around uncommitted mental patient and then-president Richard M. Nixon, resigned after serving half of his second term in the People's House in order to avoid a term in the Big House. Today we have a new prospective mental patient playing in the presidential sandbox. You may have heard about this already. I won’t go into all that right now. The more things change, the more they stay the strange. Anyway, Resignation Day(s) is one of my favorite American holidays. A great day for democracy and as close as we get to a great day for justice in this country. I snagged a photo of I. Mangrey sporting one of his prized t-shirts to commemorate this festive time of year. He and it are a bit wrinkled, but the message is timeless.

I. Mangrey in his Resignation Day(s) finery

"I have never been a quitter," began Nixon during prime time on August 8, 1974, "To leave office before my term is completed is opposed to every instinct in my body…Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office." Gerald Ford, Nixon’s hand-picked pardoner/successor took the oaf of office on August 9, 1974 capping off America’s only two-day national holiday. I still remember it well, to the best of my recollection.

And so I offer you this special phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two; and though it's been said, many times, many ways - Happy Resignation Day, Happy Resignation Day, Happy Resignation Dayyyy to you.

Wishing you and yours all the best during this brief, fun-filled 42^nd anniversary of the finally-not-having-Dick-Nixon-to-kick-around-anymore holiday season.

Ed Venture

In 2006 I stumbled across a bit of this very old, well-know verse that I thought would be fun to share with everyone at this special time of year. It’s an age-old seasonal ditty and this being the eve of my favorite American holiday and all. I’m not sure I remembered all of the words correctly but I’ve rendered them to the best of my recollection, though I may have been overzealous and inadvertently added a few verses that didn’t exist at all. But, it’s full of holiday magic and joy – a favorite of children and adults throughout the ages so read it to your children and grandchildren to keep the tradition alive. Now without further ado, in honor of August 8-9, 1974, a moment in history, which our Founders would surely have savoured, I bring you…

Twas the night before Resignation

Twas the night before Resignation, when all through the house
Richard Nixon was cornered, like a trapped diseased mouse.
His burglars had screwed it tho they burgled with care,
His cover-up in ruins, soon the end would be there.

The Congress were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of impeachment danced in their heads.
Sam Irvin with his gavel, exposed all the crap,
And roused our democracy from a long winter’s nap.

So all o’er the land there arose such a clatter,
Even the public could see what was the matter.
And there it was every day on TV like a flash,
Then everyone knew the president was trash.

It was hard to imagine this crook being regal
Tho he said, “If the president does it then it is not illegal.”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But his lies all exposed and the end of his career.

A great day for democracy, it happened so quick,
What could be worse than that horrid old Dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And all those were sentenced and each one by name!

"Now Haldeman! now, Erlichman! now, Mitchell and Dean!
On, Colson! On, Liddy!, oh my what a scene!
They all came a tumbling from the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

‘Tis the eve of impeachment –Oh please just once more
So much fun to be had, who knows what’s in store,
This appointed dry-drunk liar with his head up his butt.
Must be ripped from the Peoples’ House and his prison door shut.

Yes we did it one time not so long ago
Said it couldn’t be done, well how could we know.
Who knows what can happen when clear thinking rules,
Maybe we can get rid of this new batch of fools.

A long train of abuses and usurpations once again stains us all,
By Constitution, our right and our duty - this Despot must fall.
Again let’s take back our nation from thieves,
Then lock them away and dispose of the keys.

It’s that time of the season, to excise George the king,
The land of the free and that sort of thing.
And I say to you all, Power To The People, Out Of Sight,
More Impeachment to all, and to all a good-night!

Thanks Ed. That was a treat as always. I hope you don’t mind if I add a verse or two for 2015…

Once more it’s that season, and Obama’s still here
Watching those who’d replace him lurch into gear.
They’re angry and senseless, they screech and they bite

No need for good reason, they just like to fight.

Now Christie! Cruz, Kasich! Paul, Bush, Carson, Trump!
On, Rubio! On Walker! On, Huckabee! A great bunch of chumps!
They all come a tumbling from the zany clown car!
Now dash away! Dash away! Please dash away far!

So let’s watch in amusement, as they trip o’er their tongues

As they sputter and spew and expel from their lungs,

All the hot air and spittle, all the BS and blight,
For the chance to meet Clinton or Sanders for the big fight!

I enjoyed your addition for 2015 I. And what a year it has been since last Resignation Day(s). Bernie made quite a splash and Chrump took out all the trash. It was truly a campaign to remember, now it’s on to November. So I will see your 2015 verses and raise you a few for 2016 (with reverence and apologies to Ogden Nash)…

Once more it’s that season, Obama time’s near done
Each party’s wild primaries have narrowed to one.
Bernie lost to Hillary, but inspired revolution

Chrump bested all Republican’ts, and might end evolution.

 

Now East Coast, now West Coast, now swing states, Midwest!
Oh, Donald you suck it, tho you say you’re the best!
I never liked Clinton but I hope Chrump gets schlonged!
And goes back to his mirror, where’s he’s always belonged!

Let him talk, let him squawk, it’s politically suicidal,

Keep making voters nauseous, ere November’s decidal.

Keep insulting, and frothing, and hating, and screaming…
All the stuff of which anti-Chrumpers, tho pained are all dreaming!

Tiny hands, tiny brain, tiny what-the-fuck-ever,
You will lose very bigly and be president…NEVER
Go prepare your next bankruptcy, it’s what you do best
You whiny Tweet-aholic, and sanity’s pest.

If I never see your hair-thing or hear your voice again,
I know I will not miss your face, but I’ll feel much less pain
Go away oh Orange Putz, away and out of sight
Close your pie-hole, hide yourself, for once do what's right.

Enjoy Resignation Day(s) 2016. Drink up – you know old Tricky Dick would.

“The Dick is out but we’re still getting f*&%$d” sg, August 9, 1974

All the best from everyone here at Paying Attention.