Not Sure Where Yet
September 1, 2016
I predict that Chrump will
shoot someone on Fifth Avenue just to prove that what he said some months ago is
true. He told a “friend” that ever since he said, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody
and I wouldn’t lose any voters,” he has been obsessed with really shooting someone to
prove he was right. The anonymous individual – demanding anonymity lest he or
she become the target of Chrump’s new obsession – told Paying Attention in an
exclusive interview that, “Mr. Chrump –
that’s what he has insisted I call him ever since we met as teenagers at the New York
Military Academy – became fascinated to learn that he could probably shoot
someone in cold blood, in broad daylight and not lose one single voter come
election day in December. I don't know why he said he learned about it, he's the one who said it...more than once. Mr.
Chrump went on to say it was very tempting since he hadn’t ever shot anyone
before. I’m not sure why he winked at me when he said that. I just let it go. I
mentioned carefully that he was actually the one who said it, so what did he
mean when he said he learned about it. This seemed to upset him. I could see
his natural skin tone begin to push up through the artificial coloring – I
believe it’s Orange #34. I decided it was better not to pursue the matter and
just let him pay me the usual ‘being-his-friend’ fee and live to breathe
another day.”
In The Mean Time
How does he do it? Up at five
every morning washing, rinsing and repeating – no one knows how many times,
then two hours staring into the mirror admiring who-knows-what and blowing
kisses, waiting for just the right consistency – not too wet, not too dry –
when he can begin the three-hour comb-around-and-around-and-around and
hairspray marathon. Then it’s off to a busy day of campaigning,
frothing-at-the-mouth and insulting everyone he meets or thinks about. Followed
by a scrumptious meal of Chrump Tower taco bowls or KFC on the good china or
just spraying two or three cans of Cheez Whiz into his face in order to have it
ooze out through his pores to augment the custom coloring job. Finally, between
midnight and 3:00 am some heavy tweeting in a desperate attempt to ensure that
he leads the headlines later that day. How does he have so much energy? A little
crystal meth perhaps? Many people are saying that Chrump drinks a five hour
energy drink every hour just to keep his edge. Nobody knows for sure, not even
Don himself, but many people are saying he is on something. How does he do it? More importantly why does he do it? And why must he do it
where everyone has to see it? Most important of all, when is he going to stop? For
now let me just say to Donald Chrump, “Go fire yourself.”
Adios Asshole
We had a chance. Mexican
president Enrique Peña Nieto,
who previously compared Chrump to Hitler and Mussolini, and much to the abject
horror of most Mexicans, invited
Chrump to Mexico, absolutely certain that the man who called most Mexicans
coming to America criminals and rapists would not show up, actually ended up having
to host the virulent racist live and in person. America should have immediately
built that beautiful wall to keep him from coming back. While in Mexico, Chrump
didn’t have the balls to talk about his great wall and deportation squads. He acted “presidential” and lied to the
Mexican people about where he stands and then lied to the American people about
what was said in Mexico. American reporters immediately forgot the vile, self-obsessed
child Chrump has been over the past 15 months (even without the prior 828 months
of being a vile, self-obsessed child) as they swoon over him having “a
presidential moment”. Really? One presidential moment suddenly erases a
lifetime of buffoonery? Immediately after pretending to be reasoned and
diplomatic Chrump returned to the scene of the crime-against-humanity he calls
a presidential campaign and turned the hate and fear-mongering up to 12 during
a screed in Arizona. If not for the concrete-like stability of his “hair” his
head would have exploded as he raged on about “criminal aliens” raping and
killing everyone in America and then taking our jobs. In response to Chrump’s
crazed rant Peña Nieto said "His policy stances could represent a huge threat to
Mexico, and I am not prepared to keep my arms crossed and do nothing. That
risk, that threat, must be confronted. I told him that is not the way to build
a mutually beneficial relationship for both nations." And Hillary
Clinton’s poll numbers continue to drop. How does she do it?
I. Mangrey reporting.
Nurse!
How does she do it? Contact lenses!
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