Clinton Trumps Chrump

Must This Show Go On?

Hempstead, NY
September 27, 2016

I hate to admit it but Don Chrump really held his own in his first presidential debate. According to RNC chair and actual talking chair Reince Preibus, Don prepared for this big moment by firing people on The Apprentice and his experiences abusing all those poor pathetic little men during the Republican’t primaries. Chrump was fully dressed, stood upright the entire time and once even briefly acted respectful to Hillary. Chrump certainly did not live down to the expectations of this reporter. Not once did he call Hillary Clinton the b-word, or the c-word, or the other c-word. His “hair” remained exceedingly well behaved the entire time. However, the form supporting the malignant mane struggled considerably throughout the event.

Chrump pretended to sip his water about 400 times, squirmed constantly like a five year old needing to pee, and his constant sniffing like a truffle hog with hay fever or perhaps as Howard Dean wondered:

Could this also explain all the ridiculous 3:00am tweeting?

Immediately after the debacle debate Don ran straight into the loving arms of Sean Hannity to try to make up for the fact that he could not speak in coherent sentences about actual issues in front of 84,000,000 people. Strongly advised by his beloved daughter to refrain from hurling childish insults at his opponent all that was left for Chrump was to lie, pout, make faces, lie some more and interrupt not only his opponent but the moderator as well. By one count Chrump out-interrupted Clinton 51-17. He has the best interruptions. And not even the finest Persian rug can lie like this guy.

After he slept off whatever it was that was going on during the debate, Chrump managed to pick up the phone to use his last lifeline in what to him is just another unbelievably beautiful episode of his reality show. First thing this morning he called in to Fux and Friends to register more complaints. “That was just unbelievable last night. Hillary just kept talking whenever I tried to interrupt. Who does that? Not very presidential if you ask me.”* responding to a question about whether all the sniffling was due to a cold or allergies, after several minutes grumbling about the bad microphone he was given and how low the volume was, Chrump told the Fux Freaks, "No, no sniffles. No, you know, the mic was very bad, but maybe it was good enough to hear breathing, but there was no sniffles."** Chrump also whined about moderator Lester Holt, "He gave me very unfair questions at the end, the last three, four questions, but I'm not complaining about that. I thought he was okay."** Yes this is what passes for not complaining in the Land of Chrump, the same alien universe where the main moron constantly says the things he would never say as in, “I would never say that Hillary Clinton is a worthless loser like most women I know. That’s just not something I would ever say. Ever, ever, ever.”*

Chrump’s most ardent and most unhinged supporter, Rudy Giuliani has such great confidence in his boy Don’s ability to fend for himself that, "If I were Donald Trump I wouldn’t participate in another debate unless I was promised that the journalist would act like a journalist and not an incorrect, ignorant fact checker.” The only incorrect, ignorant fact checker I saw last night was Lyin’ Don Chrump. Tough to be more presidential than that…unless maybe you were a ferret – and not just wearing one.

Hillary Clinton for her part had to repeatedly stop herself from laughing so hard she might have to do that thing she did during a commercial break during one of the primary debates, which Chrump found so “disgusting”. If you guessed ‘going to the bathroom’ you are last night’s big winner. Clearly this is something a person of Chrump’s stature has other people do for him. I suppose this explains why he is so full of shit.

*actual made-up quote
** actual quote

I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you’re too darn close.
                                                                                                                        Mad in USA