WTF* 2016

Chrump Fiction

Somewhere, Right Next to Reality
October 2, 2016

So let me get this straight, Don Chrump can spend five racist years (so far) dogging the sitting president of the United States about his birth certificate – something no other president has ever been asked to provide – but a professional conman, with no discernable qualifications, who repeatedly filed for bankruptcy, has a history of questionable international connections including apparently disregarding the embargo against doing business with Cuba, a scam “university” facing a class action suit, bragged that he has not paid any federal income tax, claims he is being and has been audited by the IRS for fifteen years and whose “charity” foundation is currently under investigation by the attorney general of New York (who also called Chrump University “a straight up fraud”) does by not have to show the American public his tax returns – something every presidential candidate has done since a man called Nixon – the original Law and Order candidate. I have the best sentences.

Chrump told the debate audience (during one of his numerous interruptions) that not paying federal taxes “makes me smart.” (Wrong.) Let’s accept that his premise is correct (Wrong. Wrong. It is not correct.) just for the sake of argument. If not paying taxes makes one smart (It does not.) then Chrump is obviously the exception that proves the rule. (I did not say that, but if I had said it, it is because it is true.)

Pasty-face over here could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody
and he wouldn’t lose any voters. So who’re you planning to vote for?

The man who tried to force his second wife to pose nude for Playboy, has been accused of rape three times (including by one of his wives) and treated marriage like it was “The Apprentice”, cheating on his wives and bragging about it, always having his next contestant in pre-production before telling his current wife (each of whom had to sign a non-disclosure agreement in order to continue receiving alimony), “You’re fired,” thinks it’s a good idea to bring up Hillary’s husband’s infidelities to go after her. As everyone knows, and many people are saying, Chrump is currently trying figure out how to replace his current wife – who is nearing her marital expiration date – with his oldest daughter. He has the best ideas.

While blaming Hillary for Bill Clinton’s affairs and threatening to blab about it for the remainder of the campaign, Don asserts that he has “a very good” marital history. His marital excellence bona fides are being ballyhooed by two of his most high-profile please-give-me-a-cabinet-post-Mr.-Chrump surrogates: Newton Leroy “Resigned in Disgrace After Being Jettisoned by His Own Party” Gingrich and Rudolph William Louis “Thrown Out of The Mayor’s Mansion By His Wife (and children) For Cheating on Her and Dumping her On Television” Giuliani. Both of these upstanding idiots, also married three times like Don are out there selling marital wholesomeness. Gingrich of course cheated on his wife and informed her he was divorcing her while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery – a great role model.

A bloated fast-food-guzzling Twitter-obsessed (self-medicated?) insomniac rages about his 1996 Miss Universe gaining weight, calling her Miss Piggy and “an eating machine.” We know he is sleep-deprived because of the time stamps on his all night tweets, we know his brain is oxygen-deprived because we can hear him talk. Here’s another brain-free gem from the Orange Gas Cloud: “The Clintons are the sordid past. We'll be the very bright and clean future.” Oh yeah, bright and clean as a freshly polished turd. Or did he really say blight and spleen? Dark and early the next morning – at 3:20 AM – before tweeting a series of disgusting, pathetic lies Don opened his barrage of bullchrump with:

Doesn’t he ever get tired of talking about himself?

Chrump’s most despised – and devastatingly demoralizing – Twitter nemesis Elizabeth Warren got a good night’s sleep, ate a healthy breakfast, worked a full day and at a more reasonable hour countered with righteous relevance and strategic snark:

Paper or Spastic?

Major newspapers all across the country, many of them century-long Republican-leaning – from Dallas and Houston, to Cincinnati and Akron, San Diego and Los Angeles, Baltimore and New York to Maine and Arizona and Virginia – are urging their readers to vote for Hillary Clinton and not Chrump. USA Today has never before weighed in on a presidential election. They recently broke their silence fearing a Chrump presidency imploring their readers to “resist the siren song of a dangerous demagogue.” Don has the endorsement of exactly zero papers. Face it, Chrump is just in this for the real estate. As he said during the first debate, “we’re just opening up, on Pennsylvania Avenue, right next to the White House, so if I don’t get there one way I’ll get to Pennsylvania Avenue another.” *Wells The Fargo?

Please just move in next door and skip all this pretend campaigning crap. You don’t even want to be president. Everyone knows that. You made your point – whatever that might have been. Put up your very own MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner and move on. You can even have another television show for all I care – at least I can turn it off like I always used to do. I’ll chip in for your fucking rent. And you’ll have much more free time to tweet. Until your tiny little fingers fall off. I promise I’ll read every single one, and my promise is as good as any of yours. Live it up. Moon the White House every day at noon. Date you daughter. It’s all good.

Chrump’s new hair-do.

Respect elders

I. Mangrey reporting. Our motto: To protest and serve.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA