Chrumping Ourselves Back To The Stone Age

Grabbing The Headlines

All Over, The F*&#ing Place
October 13, 2016

Talking Out of Both Sides of His Face Sphincter

“And even the polls are crooked. I’m telling you.” Don Chrump, October 10, 2016

“Out of all the online polls, we won 10 out of 10 of them by big margins.” Don Chrump, October 12, 2016

Talking Out of His Lower Sphincter

“We’re doing something that’s incredible, it’s a movement. But if we don’t win all it is is just a little asterik (sic) in history…make sure you get out and vote – November 28^th.”  Don Chrump, October 11, 2016

Ship of Fool

The Titanic of presidential candidates appears to have, let’s say nudged the iceberg. In true Chrump fashion, even though everyone is telling him it is an iceberg he will put it in reverse and then floor it for another collision. He will, as always, prevail. Sure, there is a yuuuuge gash in the hull, the crew is donning life vests and directing traffic toward safety, women and children are piling into lifeboats, the band is still playing because Chrump is threatening to sue them if they stop, but the ship’s captain has gone full-on King Lear. “This ocean is rigged. Nobody is a better captain than Donald J. Chrump. I know the ocean better than whales do. I have a great relationship with the fishes. This is not an iceberg, I’ll just grab it by the pussy and show it who’s boss. Never give up. Never turn back. Full steam ahead. And just for good measure, hoist up the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. I never fail. I never lose. I never fail. I never settle. Not as long as one single person wants to watch me on television. That makes me smart. I will defeat this iceberg just like Napoleon defeated Waterloo. This is not an iceberg. Okay?”

It’s Debatable

The second presidential debate is now history. Chrump did a great job both convincing his minions to still vote for him and horrifying everyone else on the planet. If he can just keep this momentum going for another two weeks America will be great and the Chrump brand will be relegated to the dustbin of history where it belongs. Don did manage to drop a major bombshell to kick off the second debate: Bill Clinton had sex with women other than his wife. Who knew? Everyone who was born yesterday is shocked. The ever petulant Chrump made this very clear in between Category 4 sniffles (I am surprised that his tiny hands were able to keep the microphone from being sucked up through his nose and slamming right into his shriveled brain), peddling old lies and repeatedly debunked conspiracy theories, and in between whiny tantrums about being picked on by the moderators (“It’s one against three.” “Why don’t you interrupt her? You interrupt me all the time.”). Like a four year old who cannot seem to comprehend that his mother is on the phone and continues to flail about and demand her attention despite much finger wagging and being repeatedly shushed, Chrump picked up where he left off in the first debate with his constant interruptions. He has the best temperament.  

Pouty McFuckface stalking his opponent

 

When the Orange Lump was not either wandering aimlessly or literally stalking Clinton as she spoke, he used his face sphincter to call her the Devil, threaten to use a special prosecutor to put her in jail and insisted that she has hate in her heart. Given his history with women, this could have gotten much uglier than it did. Fortunately Hillary is well out of his age range for kissing or grabbing her…well, you know. Chrump cannot control his hands or his mouth, his thoughts or his whatever. Maybe he was off his game because a growing swath of the party for whom he is the standard-bearer doesn’t want to be caught dead endorsing him after his 4,378^th major malfunction. Not that he cares what they think. Maybe he was upset that his running mate is very, very disappointed in his potty mouth and hid from the public for a few days.

Maybe Chrump couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he bragged about sexually molesting women. Maybe every time he is near Hillary something funny happens in his pants and it goes to his head. Maybe it is (sniff) too hard for him to (sniff) breathe when he is (sniff) engaged in something other than (sniff) “locker room talk”. Maybe his meds went haywire. Maybe whatever has him snorting like a demented warthog when he attempts to talk kicked in harder that he expected. Maybe he is simply incapable…

BREAKING NEWS

Unnamed spokesperson: “You’re better off
jabbing yourself with a dirty syringe.”

The National Institutes of Health and Center for Disease Control and Prevention has put out this emergency warning regarding having unprotected exposure to a dangerous pathogen:

We are putting out this unprecedented warning for American women to absolutely avoid places known to be expecting a visit from Donald Chrump. Mr. Chrump will be crisscrossing the United States for the next four weeks attempting to get your votes…and your whatever. This is particularly important if you are a female between the ages of 18 and 36. Do not take any chances; it is simply not worth the risk – if you can see this man, you’re too darn close. In addition to the risk of being verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused by someone who thinks he can do whatever he wants because he is famous, there is no way to know what kinds of diseases he might be carrying given his long history of despicable treatment of women. The way he acts, late-stage syphilis is a distinct possibility. This, coupled with Mr. Chrump’s proclivity to wantonly kiss and sexually assault any woman he finds attractive and then brag about it, constitute a national health emergency just waiting to happen. Zika mosquitos aint’ got nothing on this blood-sucking varmint. Please take every precaution any time you hear that Chrump is coming to your area. We strongly suggest you shelter in place until November 9^th, especially if you are planning to vote for the racist, woman-hating orange lunatic.

Beware lest he grab you by the pussy!
Why? Because he wants to.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Angst

…difficult to know for certain exactly what is going on in Chrump’s fevered brain.

Who’s With Him?

Chrump remains resolute in the face of the latest exposé of his deplorable behavior, “I don’t care how many loser Republicans withdraw their endorsements. I don’t need them. Paul Ryan is a communist. I don’t care if people decide that I’m a vile, serial assaulter of women. Hey it worked for my buddy Roger Ailes for decades…almost as long as me, and I’m much better looking and I’ve assaulted much better looking women than Roger. I don’t care if everyone who’s not a neo-Nazi, a white supremacist or whatever decide not to vote for me. I know more about ISIS, women, taxes, nuclear and the cyber than anyone ever. I have a very good brain. There’s no way I can lose. It doesn’t matter if don’t get any votes from the blacks or Latinos or women. If they want to be losers that’s their business. I don’t need voters to win this election. That I can tell you. I can win this election all by myself. That I can tell you.”

Let’s face it, both of these candidates have been running for president for decades, each in his or her own way. But now there is less than one month to go. One will win and one will lose, or one will win and everyone will lose. If Chrump gets…gulp…elected, there will be no need for a wall on our southern border. What Mexican, what foreigner in their right mind would consider coming into this country? The bigger question at that point? How many American citizens will be leaving?

If the election goes the other way, thousands of Muslims (and millions of Americans in general) will literally be dancing in the streets (for real this time) on November 9^th when the Thing of Queens tucks his orange tail between his puffy lips and waddles off into the sunset, into which he will quickly disappear since he and it are the same orange hue. Don’t stop at the sunset Don, keep walking toward the Sun, in space no one can hear you whine. 

BREAKINGER NEWS – PG*13 (and counting) 

The *Pussy Grabbing King of Mar-A-Lago is making headlines hourly now. There is just no way a small news outlet like ours can keep up. It appears that women across the nation are anxious to get something off their chests; off their chests, off their lips and off their whatevers, and that something is Don Chrump. We are now able to form a much clearer picture of what Don is like when he is unshackled. He is not taking the news well, shouting at the reporter who called him to get his side of the story and threatening to sue everyone in his path. Maybe he should have tapped into his excellent memory before deciding to use Bill Clinton’s sexual escapades as a campaign strategy. 



We cannot emphasize strongly enough the necessity of heeding the NIH/CDC warning from earlier today. Hide your daughters. Even the briefest contact could be toxic. If you see Chrump avert your eyes, avert your whatever. Just for the record and contrary to what Mr. Chrump has said, this reporter is quite sure that somebody respects women more than Chrump.

I. Mangrey unshackled. He who lives by the pussy dies by the pussy.