Saturday, August 5, 2017

We Are The Chrampions

Chrump v. History

August 5, 2017
Der Furor recently “joked” that he might end up on Mt. Rushmore. The only way this yarn-topped fire alarm will end up on Mr. Rushmore is if during a fly-over of South Dakota, Gutzon Borglum’s granite Lincoln reaches up, yanks the thing called president out of Air Force One, and tries to cram Chrump’s bloated bulk into Teddy Roosevelt’s mouth just for fun. Many people do not know that all of the presidents on Mt. Rushmore are anatomically correct – with the exception of George Washington’s wooden teeth – though only their heads are typically visible. I heard this on Fux News – the most trusted name in cable news – by Donald Chrump. And they are Chrump’s number one source of information. He watches Fux and Friends daily to divine his policy decisions in his quest to make America grape again, or some such thing.
Sponge Blob
As Chrump told us, “you know, I’m, like, a smart person.” I have yet to see a shred of evidence, but that is what he told us. He also told us he has “a very good brain”. Where is he hiding it? What is it good for? Our science team here at Paying Attention has been investigating this for several months. It turns out that we may never know where, or if, Chrump’s brain is. Our alternative research has concluded however, that whatever it is that is lurking beneath that mass of fibrous debris is like a sponge. Not that it is supple and quickly absorbs everything he hears, it is just that what fills his “hair” holder is essentially an autonomous, symbiotic multicellular organism that is full of pores and channels allowing water to circulate through them. It is nothing more than a jelly-like substance, filling the empty space behind his lifeless eyes, spreading nose, and horrifying face sphincter that keeps his corroding cranium from collapsing in on itself.
Actual photograph of Chrump’s inner workings
Despite what Sponge Don may “think”, he cannot run a country like running a business…certainly not the way he runs his business. Either way, government is clearly none of his business.
The Buried Lead
Enough about the half-wit, double-ego polluting the White House. It is with the utmost humility – probably the most humility anyone has ever seen – that Paying Attention proudly announces that we are now the most widely read blog in the world. Maybe in the history of blogging. Our research shows that we have 308,697,0953 followers. We have the greatest blog and the greatest readers, and there is absolutely no proof whatsoever that most of them are Russians. It is entirely possible that we have the most readers of anything that has ever been read. Do not bother trying to verify this, all you will find is fake data. That much I can tell you.
Our new-found popularity dictates that we must be much more responsible in our reporting going forward. I personally vow to raise the level of discourse. I promise to be the most presidential blogger in the history of blogging, with the possible exception of…well, I would say no one. I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth even if it becomes necessary to lie to do so. The truth will be told even if it is the alternative truth. You can rest assured that you will get the latest, most truthy, pithy, fat-free information the moment it becomes un-redacted, or if need be, created out of whole cloth. No Stone will go unturned, no Scaramucci de-greased, no Kushner un-debunked.
Only the most presidential of language will be used to describe Steve Bannon “sucking his own cock”, or what a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic” a top White House aid might be, or who might be grabbing who’s pussy, or pecker or prehensile tail. No more f*&king foul language. Ever. And that is a solemn f*&king promise. This is a class act. Speaking of Steve Bannon sucking his own cock, we have it on good authority that there’s no way the Mooch said those things about Bannon. Our sources in the White House characterized this as so much fake Mooch, saying, “Bannon doesn’t need to suck his own cock, that’s what we had Reince Priebus for. He will be missed.”
As for the actual facts themselves, we promise to craft the finest facts anyone has ever seen. All for the same low monthly fee you are paying now.
I. Mangrey and Ty Erd reporting.

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