August 5, 2017
Der Furor recently “joked” that he might end up on Mt. Rushmore.
The only way this yarn-topped fire alarm will end up on Mr. Rushmore is if
during a fly-over of South Dakota, Gutzon Borglum’s granite Lincoln reaches up,
yanks the thing called president out of Air Force One, and tries to cram Chrump’s
bloated bulk into Teddy Roosevelt’s mouth just for fun. Many people do not know
that all of the presidents on Mt. Rushmore are anatomically correct – with the
exception of George Washington’s wooden teeth – though only their heads are typically
visible. I heard this on Fux News – the most trusted name in cable news – by
Donald Chrump. And they are Chrump’s number one source of information. He
watches Fux and Friends daily to divine his policy decisions in his quest to
make America grape again, or some such thing.
Sponge Blob
As Chrump told us, “you know, I’m, like, a smart person.” I have
yet to see a shred of evidence, but that is what he told us. He also told us he
has “a very good brain”. Where is he hiding it? What is it good for? Our
science team here at Paying Attention has been investigating this for several
months. It turns out that we may never know where, or if, Chrump’s brain is. Our alternative research has concluded
however, that whatever it is that is lurking beneath that mass of fibrous
debris is like a sponge. Not that it is supple and quickly absorbs everything
he hears, it is just that what fills his “hair” holder is essentially an autonomous,
symbiotic multicellular organism that is full of pores and channels allowing
water to circulate through them. It is nothing more than a jelly-like substance,
filling the empty space behind his lifeless eyes, spreading nose, and
horrifying face sphincter that keeps his corroding cranium from collapsing in
on itself.
Actual photograph of Chrump’s inner workings
Despite what Sponge Don may “think”, he cannot run a country like
running a business…certainly not the way he runs his business. Either way, government is clearly none of his
business.
The Buried Lead
Enough
about the half-wit, double-ego polluting the White House. It is with the utmost
humility – probably the most humility anyone has ever seen – that Paying
Attention proudly announces that we are now the most widely read blog in the
world. Maybe in the history of blogging. Our research shows that we have 308,697,0953
followers. We have the greatest blog and the greatest readers, and there is absolutely
no proof whatsoever that most of them are Russians. It is entirely possible
that we have the most readers of anything that has ever been read. Do not
bother trying to verify this, all you will find is fake data. That much I can
tell you.
Our
new-found popularity dictates that we must be much more responsible in our
reporting going forward. I personally vow to raise the level of discourse. I
promise to be the most presidential blogger in the history of blogging, with
the possible exception of…well, I would say no one. I promise to tell the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth even if it becomes necessary
to lie to do so. The truth will be told even if it is the alternative truth.
You can rest assured that you will get the latest, most truthy, pithy, fat-free
information the moment it becomes un-redacted, or if need be, created out of
whole cloth. No Stone will go unturned, no Scaramucci de-greased, no Kushner
un-debunked.
Only
the most presidential of language will be used to describe Steve Bannon
“sucking his own cock”, or what a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic” a top White
House aid might be, or who might be grabbing who’s pussy, or pecker or
prehensile tail. No more f*&king foul language. Ever. And that is a solemn
f*&king promise. This is a class act. Speaking of Steve Bannon sucking his
own cock, we have it on good authority that there’s no way the Mooch said those
things about Bannon. Our sources in the White House characterized this as so
much fake Mooch, saying, “Bannon doesn’t need to suck his own cock, that’s what
we had Reince Priebus for. He will be missed.”
As
for the actual facts themselves, we promise to craft the finest facts anyone
has ever seen. All for the same low monthly fee you are paying now.
I.
Mangrey and Ty Erd reporting.
Read
on Macduff
↓↓
↓↓
No comments:
Post a Comment